autobiography

2004.05.18

Excuse me. I need to rant, and TCS is down. Thus, this is the only real place to do it. So, let's have it.

We got yeabook proofs back today from Jostens (who is printing our yearbook). As soon as I see my page, I cringe. First of all, the scatterbrained teacher couldn't remember to send off the right page. Secondly, it was orange. Not a nice orange, either. Yellow orange. Bright. A lovely spot colour used in the wrong way, on the wrong bloody page!

I had done 2 pages for our first signature. (Which, for those non-yearbookies out there, consists of 16 pages.) One was for our school's Angel Campaign (a Christmas thing we do to buy gifts for families who can't afford them), and the Ontario Student Vote. The Vote page was about to get dumped altogether, because no one really wanted to do it. So I, being the political one that I am (and because a friend might very well have killed me if that page wasn't included), swapped pages with someone else so I could do that one. The first problem: The page next to it- Awards Night- was done as a double-page spread. In other words, the space where my Vote page was supposed to go was already occupied. Both pages were done in the spot colour (again for the non-yearbookies, a spot colour is an additional colour used in addition to black and white. Think Schindler's List with the red coat), and both looked fairly nice. However, my original plan for the Angel Campaign page was to run with that Schindler's List idea, and make certian elements of certian photos stand out by making the phot black and white, with the spot colour used only for certian things. Lights or gifts, for example. It looked really nice, too- but I couldn't save the photos in the right format when I did that. So, the idea had to be dumped.

When I learned that my Vote page would not be used until later on in the yearbook, I asked the teacher if I could switch the two. If my Vote page was not used until another signature, then I'd miss out on the spot colour. While both looked nice done in that way, the Vote page wouldn't look very good only in black and white. The Angel Campaign page, however, did look nice in black and white. Anyways, the teacher agreed to make the switch, but you can't trust that man to remember anything. He forgot. And the wrong page was sent. To change it now would cost about $250 that we don't have. I was ready to hit somebody, but no one I disliked was around. (I'm not about to go hitting someone I like, and certianly not the teacher, as much as he might have deserved to feel the wrath of my hormones. He's promised me a good sized bonus in that class for taking so many photos for other people, and I'm not about to compromise that.)

I would have survived. I would have been just fine. It wouldn't have been so bad... but my pictures were orange. I originally did my Angel Campaign page using Adobe Pagemaker (version 6.5). This was then brought over to a computer that used Adobe InDesign, before the pages were sent off. Somehow things got crossed in the process, and the computers decided to fudge up my page. It looked perfectly normal on the computer. The photos I used the spot colour for were the dominate photo and the background. (It looked rather nice, I might add.) Well, for some reason we can't explain, when the page got sent, those other photos, whould should have been normal black and white, weren't. They were in the spot colour as well... and it was orange. My other photos used this colour, yes, but it wasn't nearly as bright as the ones the computer messed with. Those were bright. And they looked terrible. I was tempted to erase the little "Page Done By JennaLee" on that page, it looked so bad; that way, no one would know I did that page outside of my class, and thus I wouldn't have to put up with people telling me how much it sucked. The computer couldn't even get my borders right! Originally, I had nice white borders. The computer changed them to black. WTF?! Needless to say, I wasn't too happy after that. Stupid bloody thing....

After school, I went shopping with my mother. I needed to get my prom dress altered, (There is no way that could truly have been a small! I know small, and that was no small!) and we decided to pick up some shoes to go with it. The shoe shopping went great- I found some that look great with my dress, have a heel, but don't hurt my feet. (You have no idea how hard that is to find in a shoe.) We spotted some nice casual sandles and bought a pair of those as well. Ran into a slight problem in getting the right size though- apperently, my right foot is bigger then my left. Or at least wider. (Probably left over from my soccer-playing days. I kicked right most of the time, so the muscles in it were problbly more developed- and thus, bigger- then those in my left foot.) But, we managed, and I bought the sandles. Also spotted a small purse I can use at prom that goes quite nicely with my dress. So far, so good.

We were near a Wal Mart, so I suggested looking for a strapless bra. Because of the way my dress is, I need one, and the one of my mother's I borrowed for semi-formal just wasn't going to work. I did not want to spend my prom in the washroom fixing my bra. I wanted one that fit, and would stay put. Remember how I said how difficult it was to find shoes? The bra was worse. First of all, Wal Mart doesn't have a huge selection of strapless bras. And even then, it's a struggle to find one in my size.

I'm small chested. I might as well state that (obvious) fact right now. The first model of strapless bras I looked at didn't have a single A-cup. Not one. I managed to find a collection made for people with smaller busts, and figured that I was in heaven. I thought that surely something there would work. I found my size, and went to try it on.

Nope. I ran into the same problem I ran into with the semi bra. It fit, but it didn't stay put. I put each bra I tried on to the "jump test"- I'd jump up and down a few times and see if it stayed up. This one failed miserably.

While I was trying that on, my mother located another strapless bra in my size. This one wasn't such a miserable failure as the first, but it still woudln't stay up. Getting desperate, I sought the assistance of a sales clerk. She told me that not all bras even come in my size at all. (Gee, way to boost my spirits, eh?) In spite of this, we managed to find 2 that came in my size, sans straps.

I tried one on. Jumped. This bra was an even bigger failure then the first. Next bra. This one was encouraging. It passed the test. I checked the mirror.

It passed the jump test, yes, but it made me look like I stuffed my bra with ice cream cones. You know sometimes in cartoons, when you see a woman wearing armour, and her breasts look rather a lot like cones? Well, I got the same effect with this bra, minus the heavy chest plate.

Another testimony to why I hate shopping for bras. Finding bras that fit me and are comfortable is worse then finding pants that don't require a few inches cut off the bottom. My size is hard to find, and hard to fit. I swear, I need to start a support group for women like me who hate bra shopping because it serves as yet another reminder of how you don't fit the image of how a woman's chest should look.

"My name is Jenna, and I am a 34-A."

After the failed bra attemps (with quite a few giggles from my mother and the sales clerk when I explained to them why I didn't like the one bra), my mom and I went to take my dress to be fitted. That went well. We passed a bathing suit store on the way out, and since I need a new one, decided to stop in and see what I could find.

High-heel shopping is difficult. Pants shopping is hard. Bra shopping is discouraging. Bathing suit shopping is all three.

I haven't had to buy a bathing suit in years. To be completly honest, I don't think I've ever ever needed to buy one myself at all. Most of the time, my mom gets one for me. She knows my taste, knows my size, and usually does well in this sort of thing. Anyways, I haven't needed a new bathing suit in 4 years. Seriously. I hate a nice red-and-black tankini that worked just fine. It fit, it looked nice, it was perfect. My mother liked it too. She started going to the gym this past year. Her gym has a swimming pool. She borrowed my bathing suit. Due to constant over-exposure to chlorine, it's no good anymore.

I never realized how much I loved my old bathing suit until today. I couldn't find anything. Nothing. Nadda. Either they looked cheesy, or didn't fit right, or made my stomach stick out far more then I'd like. That was a failed attempt from the get-go. My mom told me that people usually hate the way they look in a bathing suit when they first try it on. She said that bathing suit shopping was something I should do sometime when I've got an afternoon to waste and I'm with my friends. Fair enough- but I'm certianly not modeling off anything. Maybe I should just not go swimming at all this summer. It would certianly solve that bathing suit problem in a hurry.

Come to think of it, what friends would I go shopping with? After the whole incident with Alycia, I've really re-evaluated my friendships, and my closeness with people. The title of "Best Friend" belongs to Luke- and wasn't I trying to avoid that sort of thing after my relationship with Mopey crashed and burt to a crisp? My big mistake there was that I made him the centre of my universe. I didn't want to do that again. I wanted to keep my friendships strong, and not turn and spend the majority of my time with my boyfriend. Now, though, I don't have much other choice. I have other friends, sure, but Ally was the big one. She was the best friend. The one person I could share everythign with, and she did likewise with me. Now, I felt the same closeness with Luke- in fact, even more of a closeness- but it wasn't until this whole thing with Ally that I found myself really leaning on him as both boyfriend and best friend. Now, he's the only friend I've got who's truly worthy of that "best" title.

So that leaves me where? I don't want to put Luke in the centre of things like I did before, but it's really becoming that way whether I want it to or not. There isn't anyone else to share that spotlight with him anymore. Ally used to be there. She's not anymore. She's somewhere out in the rural suburbs of my friendships. It's unlikely that she'll ever be able to reclaim the place in my life she once held. What's worse, she doens't seem to realize this- or even appear to care.

I'm back at the place I was in after I broke up with Stephen, in a sense. If Luke and I were to break up, I might very well have no close friend anymore. We promised all the time to stay close if that ever did happen, but can we really be so certian? Sometimes, I worry that the worst will happen, as unlikely as that is. It's very unlikely that Luke and I will ever not have the friendship we share.

But still I worry.

-Jenna

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