autobiography

2004.04.29

Fair warning- this plans to be long, and rather messed up. At least, it seems rather messed up in my mind. Then again, things often are that way. I'm a messed up person. I think.

I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I don't know why. It just happens, I guess. My faith's been somewhat lacking, too. I used to read my Bible at least once a night. Right now, my bookmark hasn't mooved from the second chapter of Ezekial in a good week or so. (Although I think the fact that I can at least remember is a slightly positive thing.) I don't know why I haven't been. It's not that I've been too tired at night, like I'd told myself on occasion. I just haven't bene in the mood for it, I guess.

I'm in the middle of another one of those "questioning" periods again. I know it's healthy to question- I hate following anything blindly. But this has been different. It hasn't been so much a, "What if God doesn't really exist?" kind of thing so much as it's been a, "Who really cares?" kind of thing. Not caring though- that's easy. It's a safety thing, a scapegoat for guilt. I've been screwing up a lot lately- everyone does- and it's easier to make like I don't care then to feel guilty about doing the things that I know I probably shouldn't be doing, but do anyway. (Like, writing long, run-on sentences, for example.) I don't want to think about them. About my screw-ups. Because then I feel bad. The only reason these things might be considered screwing up in the first place are rooted more in my faith then anything else. So, the faith dwindles.

I haven't got any good excuse for it, either. It's just me. Me and my guilt. It'll all come back- it always does- but until then I'm just stuck with wondering... what if I'm wrong? What if, after this, there's nothing? Nothing but a wooden box and grubs chowing down on my rotting corpse until there's nothing left of me save bones. Shouldn't I then be trying to get the most out of the time I do have? Not in the sense of doing whatever the heck I want, regardless of other people's feelings- I couldn't do that without some feeling of deserved guilt- but... well, you know.

Yes, everyone, even I struggle with that sometimes. I'm human, aren't I? For the record, I haven't done it. That shouldn't come as any surprise. This is still me we're talking about here. But there's no sense in denying that the thought does cross my mind on occasion. That's true of anyone, and if you try to tell me otherwise you'd be lying. Everyone old enough to have reached puberty thinks about it. Still, it's a long way from thinking about it before actually doing it. I've still got a long way to go myself. That doesn't mean that I don't think about it, though.

Anyways, on to other things. I got a good chuckle out of some of Mopey's comments on Tuesday. He tried to debate homosexuality with me, and made attempts at using the Bible. He said that he knew of verses in Leveticus, Corinthians and Deutoronomy. I told him that he was missing Genesis, Judges, Jude, and Romans, to name a few. He could tell me what books those verses were from, but had no idea what the verses actually said. That debate ended rather quickly when I ended up supplying him with his own arguments. He told me that he's just not used to arguing that topic using the Bible- he prefers, "logic". Still waiting to see that logic, buddy!

For the record, I was not the one to bring up the subject. (Not this time, anyway.) He did. He made a low blow. We were discussing prayer, and I mentioend that God has yet to tell me anything in regards to what I may or may not be doing wrong. He told me that it's all in the Bible, and that I really must not be listening, "because a certian someone supports a certian b/f." Low blow. He had it coming to him. I let him have it. There was no way I would let him insult Luke like that and keep his head. Perhaps I might have been a little hard. I can be that way with Stephen sometimes. It's not his fault- not all the time, anyway. When he says stuff still like that, it's his own fault. Really though, it's not always him I'm mad at.

I'm mad at myself, for the reasons I mentioned in my last entry. For who I became while I was with him. Though, he doesn't help his case much when he makes low blows at my boyfriend and doesn't know when to shut his trap.

-Jenna

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