autobiography

2004.07.21

I don't really know why I'm bothering right now. The Internet's not working; I don't know when I'll be able to update. It's been a while, I know. I'll explain.

This is serving as a journal at the moment, one I've neglected for over a month now. It's not my fault, though. First those bloody ISPs I had to do, then a lovely bolt of lightning hits my house and fries this computer. We've only just gotten it back, and it's not even technically back. Worst of all, the pictures I took of prom (over 100) might very well be gone for good. (Expect a very long rant if that is true. The day it happened, the day the stupid thing died, I was going to burn those pictures. The same bloody day!)

I might be able to recover a couple. There are some I managed to send to friends just before it happened. What I was counting on most, however, was a CD Tarryn gave me, containing photos. I just looked through them, and yes, there are a few pictures of prom, but not many. They were all photos taken with Tarryn's camera, with 1 or 2 exceptions, and one of those photos was taken by Tarryn. Yet I noticed something, and it took 1 photo in the group to point it out to me. It's a very nice photo, one that Tarryn named "Sand Inscription". It takes a second to read- it's written in sand, after all- but I can see the names Els, Caitlin and Rachel, followed by "= Friends 4ever". Alright, so it was corny. But it made me realize that... I appeared in fewer of those pictures Tarryn gave me then Tarryn did. Considering that Tarryn is quite often behind the camera, one might think this odd.

I remember after prom so well; far better then either Cait or Rachel, who were counting on my photos to proove to them how stupid they were acting. (I'm assuming that no explination is needed to explain why they acted this way. However, for the especially dense, I offer 2 words: after party. If you still can't figure it out, then you either are stupid and don't deserve to know, or should wait until the effects of whatever you've been drinking wear off, and try again then.) Els and I were the last to fall asleep; this was around 4am or so. We finally truned off the lights, and I remember thinking as I began to drift off to sleep that I was glad I came here, glad that I spent this time with my friends. God knows, I've been needing that sort of thing for a while now. We made plans to go to Rachel's boat after graduation. Rachel said she'd call me with a date soon. Graduation was on the 23rd. There hasn't been a call. I wonder if perhaps I should stop waiting.

What that photo made me realize that, no matter what, I will never be as close to those girls as I was back in grade nine, when we all met and became friends. That's not a hard thing for me to accept, and it hurts a lot to say it, but dep down I know it's the truth. I feel like I did back in elementry school, when my friends moved away, when the other people I though were friends abandoned me, when I had to start over again. That same sense of lonliness has returned.

No one has abandoned me, per se. No one's stabbed me in the back either, not since Ally. And it's not like I'm completly without friends; I have Luke, for one. But he carries a difficult role in my life, serving as both boyfriend and best friend. I have Stephanie, but while we're close, we're not nearly as close as Luke and I are, or Ally and I were. And although I'm sure that the cat lying here purring beside me loves me dearly, it still cannot erase the fact that, once again, I must start over. And it hurts. It fucking hurts.

I was down at the cottage, like every other year, and like every other year, was allowed to bring a friend down for the week. My dad asked me if Luke wanted to come down and stay for the weekend, seeing as me mom and siser would be away at a soccer tournament until Sunday night. (We left Friday.) So, from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening, I was with Luke. And it was wonderful. Then he went home, and I retuned to the cottage, only to find my room had been taken over by my sister and her guest for the week, Karly. I turned into this emotional basket-case, and the tinest things would set me off. My mom suggested that I just spend time wit Katelyn and Karly, but I didn't feel as if I would be, for lack of a better way to phrase it, accepted by them. My mom got sick of me, and asked me why I haden't asked anyone else to come down, if I wanted a friend so badly. I asked her (or perhaps yelled would be a better word), "Who would I bring?" She didn't know. Neither do I.

To be perfectly honest, the main reason why I didn't want to spend time with Karly and Katelyn is because I was jealous of them. Jealous of what they have. They've been friends since elementry school. Years. Karly's the one Katelyn always brings to the cottage. Every year, just like it has been since she was in the 6th grade or so. They both enter grade 12 in the fall. Karly once told me that she's upset that my sister spends so much time with her boyfriend, Aaron, and less time with her. Rigth now, I'd like to smack Katelyn upside the head and tell her to be grateful for what she's got, because I for one would love a friend like Karly. And while I'm extreemly grateful that I have Luke, and therefore won't be starting completly from scratch, I still feel this empty void in my life, where the best friend is supposed to be. I see Luek straddling the line between "best friend" and "boyfriend", but really what I'm looking for is another Ally. Not her, of couse, for reasons I've already explained. But someone who can fill that role.

At my cousin's wedding in June, he had his best friend be the best man. His fiancee, Becky, had her best friend be her maid of honour. Who would I ask? Katelyn and Karly both have eachother. Even Luke has someone. But for me, that spot is blank. Unfilled. Empty. And although I'm sure she would be honoured, I highly doubt they'd let my cat do it.

-Jenna

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