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October 2000 September 2000 August 2000 July 2000 June 2000 May 2000 |
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October 2000 September 2000 August 2000 July 2000 June 2000 May 2000 |
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Links Main Thoughts |
December 4, 2000Where to begin? A head full of words and a life full of intangibles. Options and decisions have led me down many strange and wondrous roads, none of which can be accurately described or detailed. Faced with the imminent loss of my psuedo-patron that is the JET programme, I now find myself up against a strange challenge: that of finding a career. I am a writer; at least in the most basic sense of the word - I write. Not published, not known, not marketable - simply put, I exist as such purely within the realms of my own imaginings. Caught in the rift between my dreams and the world functioning about me, I am unsure which way to lean or to concentrate my efforts. This earth that we have constructed and covered with concrete and technology dictates that I should carve myself a niche and drink deeply from the currents of the economy in order to be considered a viable or noteworthy organism in this cyberecosystem we have created. Select a career, work towards advancement, climb the corporate ladder, make a name for myself whilst maintaining a semblance of a nuclear family on the periphery of that which is the focal point of my and everybody else's life: money. There's no denying it - though I may be a dreamer, though I may fill my heart with the beauties of the natural world, though I may seek a life of love and happiness - cold hard cash is what you need. So what choices am I left with? To date having lived a life outside this cycle of economic subservience I am now primarily suited to become a servant for those who have worked their way into the machine. I have learned languages, I have fought with and embraced them all my life - and it is with they that I have cast my lot. My interests are varied; I cannot seem to refrain from fascination at so many things and the hunger to learn more about them or to home my skills so that I might reproduce them. There are no certificates awarded for this. No institution of higher education or technical instruction is going to recognize this. Does this mean I have started down a foolish path? Perhaps, but there is no one thing on this sphere of steel and glass that I will not attempt, there is no task that I cannot learn to perform, there is no career that I cannot easily slip into and function readily within should I be asked to do so. Which is precisely the problem: I have lived a life of song and people keep asking me for the score. The terrible thing about writing is that the words never express the thought - even this is a far cry from the meaning I had intended to convey. Moreover, these words that I have chosen with consummate care will not be understood by you, the reader, in the same way that they are understood by me, the writer. Yet for all the terrible miscommunications whic occur, for every faulty metaphor and mismatched image, for every dream that evaporates over that first cup of coffee and every hope that dies at the end of the day, there is no other way for me to be. I don't mind that you might not know my name, I don't mind changing lanes between your SUVs, I don't mind being a patch of axle grease on the inner workings of this society we live in - I still have the morning and I still have the stars. Though I might rage and fight to find some place in this world, I will always return to my flights of fancy and impossible dreams. December 6, 2000
Things have changed. Post-examination trauma has resulted in the reconstruction of much of this endeavour. Expect further alterations at random intervals. I apologize for any inconvenience. December 10, 2000
Sunday morning. Quiet and unassuming, it provides an opportune moment to sit and contemplate the hazy winter sky outside. Cup of coffee, morning paper - the day begins with a simple soothing ritual that other days refuse to recognize. There's something about late winter mornings that pleases me. The biting chill of the night before has just begun to subside, the world outside is still rubbing the frost from its eyes like a child rubbing away all traces of the Sandman's last visit and the daylight has made its way through the clouds and creeps through the curtains to sit silently upon the hardwood floor. I sit with it, cup of coffee in hand and peer through the window, content in knowing that nothing needs be done this day. My thoughts roam in and out of focus, occasionally touching upon a subject of some concern or worry but soon drift off towards other flights of fancy. Sure, I've got problems but I don't need them right now. Sundays mornings help me realize that all these worries that I allow myself during the week are nothing to worry about at all and that the kettle whistling in the kitchen is the only thing that matters at the moment. The clock idly turns its hands upward in prayer, the sky answers with shafts of blazing sunlight upon my face and with that the morning has passed and the day has begun. December 12, 2000
Have the twelve days of Christmas begun, or is that tomorrow? Sojourning yet again on foreign soil as my family gathers back home, I can't help but wonder what exactly I am doing over here. Have the last two and a half years been simply an exercise in running from responsibility? Yes, I have met some great people and have had a wonderful opportunity to learn a new language, but what apart from that? There are times when I feel I've sacrificed the rest of my life for a few brief years of easy living. Now that the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam has come and gone, I've been trying to churn out some of the stories that have been in my head for far too long, but I still feel like I'm only treading water. There is no sense of self-improvement in either the personal or professional aspects of my life. I don't know how to feel or what to do about that; so I write, spit out a few morsels of prose and congratulate myself on a good day's work. Reading over the ever-useful JET Survival Guide, I discovered that December is traditionally the season for bouts of severe culture shock. After all this time? Is this what has been plaguing my mind and causing all sorts of wild mood swings? Or is it something else? Is it Kaori? Or have I finally woken up from this dream I've been living? I don't know, I wake up in the morning and I feel no desire to roll out of bed, no need to show up on time for work and sit at my desk whiling away the hours of the day. And, as ever, I catch myself in mid-whine and wonder what the hell all this is about. I've noticed lately that I've become prone to letting my mind run away with me and that inevitably leads to trouble on all fronts. Got to learn to stop thinking so much. Damn brain. December 15. 2000
Friday. Wondering what is going to spill out of my head today. You'd think that someone with aspirations toward some sort of career in the 'New Media' industry would put some forethought into his online publications, wouldn't you? That's no fun. I'll think about it when I get paid for it. Until then I think I'll just let my fingers do the thinking for me. Spending most of my time at school writing out New Year's cards for what seems like everyone I've ever met. If I have to etch my address out one more time, I might just explode. I knew there had to be a reason I'd never done this before. The worst part of the whole affair is that folks around the school have seen me working on them and I know that all of them are expecting one. Some of the students have even asked to swap addresses so they can get one, too. Curses. At least I've only got a dozen or so more to go. That's not too bad... said Sisyphus when first told what his ordeal would be. Judging by the amount of time that has elapsed since the end of that sentence, I guess that's it for today. December 19, 2000
Well. Lots on my mind today. I've just finished writing a brand-new resume in the hopes of securing an exciting job with good career prospects - hopefully in Japan. It's awfully depressing to se your entire life put down on two solitary sheets of A4 paper, with the half-assed interests section far outweighing the education, experience and skills sections combined. Also took the opportunity to surf through a few dozen sites looking for jod openings vaguely related to my interests and discovered that I am anything but qualified for said positions. It would appear that even though I might possess the abilities to perform the duties listed, without certification or X years of experience, I'm shit out of luck. What other options have I got at the moment? Continue teaching English at a private company (yuck), seek employment at at bar or restaurant (back to square one), start my own business of some kind (with what capital) or go back home (defeated). Life's a bowl of cherries, ain't it? Looming unemployment notwithstanding, there is another spectre upon the horizon: that of the possible demise of my relationship with Kaori. Nothing has been spoken or decided yet, but receiving a phone call late last night has put the seeds of fear within my heart. Kaori has just been hired at a clothing company called Faust, with branches pretty much throughout Japan. Great, fantastic, I'm proud of her. Unfortunately, this means that until she quits working at the hair salon, she has to juggle three jobs and has given up her entire winter vacation for training at Faust. Now, I recognize that this is tough, she's tired and stressed out already and things are going to get harder for the next little while. I understand and appreciate that. In addition to all of this, one of the job incentives offered at Faust is the provision of a rent-free apartment should one make enough sales. In Fukuoka (let alone the rest of Japan) this is phenomenal. Kaori is - and rightfully so - absolutely blown away at this opportunity and the upcoming changes to her life. Hell, who wouldn't be? Had she passed up on this, I would have reamed her out myself. The problem with all this is, she being so busy, it looks like I might get shoved out of the picture. I know this seems pessimistic and all, but I'm getting that impression from her at the moment. What can I offer in comparison to that? I'm feeling hurt and confused, yet at the same time I can't even consider trying to stand in her way on this. The love that I have for this girl fills me with elation that she's getting her life off the ground and I realize how much her happiness means to me. I want her to go out and do this - I also, however, am not overly keen to see the end of this relationship just yet. Yet, as I mentioned before, this is all within the realm of speculation at the moment. Who knows what will happen? I just wish sometimes that hints were more readily available. All the same, I'm not giving up just yet - either on the job front or the home front. I've still got some faith left. December 21, 2000
A little faith goes a long way, it seems. December 22, 2000
'Tis the season of my folly... there are times when I feel I shouldn't be allowed to think for myself, especially when it comes to girls. Suffice to say, things are continuing with Kaori and all of the above was pure unadulterated panic. Yet it did give me pause to think about the relationship and where it might go from here. Ergo, despite the fact that I am likely not going to catch up with her for either Xmas or New Year's, I'm sticking around in Japan for the holiday season. Having thought long and hard about it, I realized that I don't particularly enjoy spending time by myself and that is something that has got to change. Well, that and flights back home are either full or ridiculously expensive. Personally, I think the first reason for staying seems a whole lot nobler than simply being a tightwad, don't you? Christmas Day, 2000
No one asked you to suffer. That was your idea. - Rose, "Bringing Out the Dead" December 27, 2000
Met Rachel, my predecessor, today. She's back in Japan visiting folks for the holidays and is finishing up her trip in Kyuragi. Brought her over to the school and back to my (our?) house afterwards. Having her around and talking to her about life and her experiences in Kyuragi was strange, to say the least, but good at the same time. I can't imagine how it must have felt to come back into the house she lived in for a year and seeing the chaos I've created here. And now, sitting here in front of the same crap heater that she used, I realize that coming here to this job and this lifestyle is just like living on borrowed time. It's kind of like willingly signing yourself up for a terminal disease. New Year's Eve, 2000
Last night I could hardly sleep for thinking about Kaori. Woke up this morning and realized that I had dreamed about the fracturing of my relationship with Debbie. How odd. In other news, the world is ending in just over 12 hours from the time that I write this. The New Year. Hmm. What a peculiar concept. While I am one of those who wants to have something special planned to celebrate, I can't help but think that it's all quite absurd. Moreso now that the 'Millennium' is here - again. Why is it that people think that all their problems (and most of the world's problems) will evaporate along with the dew on January first? I know that hope and faith play a large part in that, but come on. January first, 2001 - you wake up in the afternoon, hungover with a throbbing headache, go to the bathroom and realize you're out of toilet paper. So much for the future. 'The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.' - Hobbes, Calvin & Hobbes Retrospection is also in order at the moment. I think this might be my favourite part of the whole affair; getting together with friends and reliving all the ups, downs, gaffes and adventures of the year. A time which, ironically, by remembering one also forgives and forgets. It's a strange happening - caught between the past and the future, everyone manages to focus on the present for one fleeting moment as the seconds creep towards Armageddon all over the globe. 'It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.' - R.E.M., It's The End Of The World As We Know It Leaving aside all other cliches at the moment (I couldn't resist that one, my apologies), what is it about the New Year that brings folks together on such a large scale? Is it a global recognition and affirmation of our intelligence and ability to comprehend such an abstract concept as time? Returning to the final seconds before midnight, did you know that the official measurement of the second is X vibrations of a cesium atom at a given temperature and pressure? Talk about random - the great event that is the Millennium is merely an extrapolation of this trivial happening run through several even more random filters. Sixty seconds to the minute, sixty minutes to the hour, twenty-four hours to the day, seven days to the week, four weeks to the month, twelve months to the year. What? Oh, and apologies again for only citing the error-ridden Western calendar - the second Millennium happened centuries ago in various other calendars, all of which are equally absurd, in my opinion. 'That packaging of time is a journalistic convienience that they use to trivialize and to dismiss important events and important ideas. I defy that. Time is an enormous long river, and I am standing in it, just as you are standing in it.'
- Utah Phillips, The Past Didn't Go AnywhereRandom thoughts for a random event. That's what this is all about. My life has taken various twists and turns and shows every sign of continuing to do so. The world may very well end with the stroke of midnight or it may suddenly become the Paradise that we have sought for throughout our lives - but I doubt it. The toilet paper scenario seems much more likely to me. I promise I'll make the effort to enjoy the trip to the store. 'Will we be happier afterwards? Or will we have lost the freshness of those who are privileged to experience art as real life, where we enter after the trumps have been played, and we leave without knowing who's going to win or lose the game?'
- Umberto Eco, How It Begins, and How It Ends
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