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June 2000
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Drippings from self-induced treponations...Sunday, July 2, 2000
It's 7:50 AM and I just got home from a very long evening out on the beach in Hamatama. Out all night - although I suppose I can't really claim that honour, as I kinda sorta passed out for a couple of hours... nevertheless, I was awake and involved in the pre-dawn swim and subsequent attempted humiliation of certain individuals (who, it must be said, did not appear to be terribly humiliated at all). Why am I up at this ungodly hour and typing away, you might ask? Well, partially because the sun has come up and I never could get to sleep at this stage of the game and partially because I've got something on my mind and I need to get it out.
This is something that is hard for me to express, not only because it deals with something which I consider to be intensely personal, but also because I have no idea how to explain it to myself, let alone put it into words that others might understand.
I am a liar. I have been for as long as I can remember. I wouldn't call myself a pathological liar, as I have no problems telling the truth - at least until the truth concerns my past or personal life. Is it some sort of defense mechanism? A form of egotism? Personal weakness? I don't know. Maybe a combination of all three. It's something that I have been aware of for some time, but have always managed to pull it off with little to no repercussions - until tonight. I am so sorry for this - I know that friends and family who read this will feel hurt and I apologize, but please realize that it was never malicious or intentional - I just can't help myself. When asked a question about my past or personal life, my immediate response is to create a fabrication that will serve to answer the question at hand whilst revealing almost nothing about the truth at hand - and how can I describe how ashamed I feel each and every time I do this? Sure, I know that the response to this is "well why don't you just stop doing it?" - I'd love to, but I can't. By the time I realize what I am doing, my mouth has already spouted off some crazy story - too late to take it back, too late to change it; so I roll with it. Honestly speaking, I always thought I was quite good at it - until tonight. But that is a whole other story in and of itself. I know that by writing and making this available for all to read that many will find it hard to trust me in the future - this hurts me more than even I could have imagined. However, this is something that I have to say. I need to get this off my chest before it smothers me and in so doing I hope that it will eventually come to change. I guess I'm writing this because I want people to know that I both love and respect them, and I can't let this continue the way it has been going. This propensity for falsehood that I have developed is going to be something that I will have to face up to - and I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying. I'm just sorry that it has to come out this way. I'm sorry that I couldn't put more faith in my friends.
I'm sorry.
Monday, July 3, 2000
Monday at school.  Finals have begun, so there is naught for me to do. Been sitting here trying to decide whether putting Sunday's entry up is a good idea or not. I guess I must've decided that it was. I also considered editing it a bit, as there are a few things in there that I wouldn't mind rephrasing, at the very least. I'm not going to, however. I think it pretty much captures the way I was feeling yesterday morning - tired, light-headed and remorseful.
I dunno. Sitting here working on this page has derailed my train of thought. Had another farewell party for the ALTs from Higashimatsuuragun - it's finally starting to sink in that they're leaving. After two years of seeing them on an almost daily basis (or weekly, as the case might be), I find it hard to fathom that not only am I not going to see them for a while, but I will also probably never see them all together again. Feels kind of like breaking up a family or severing one of your own limbs at times.
Well, I'm not about to get all mushy on you. Things change, folks come and go, can't hold on to the past and all that. I don't think I really have to write down how I feel about everybody - I'm pretty sure they already know.
Monday, July 10, 2000
Since when did this become a weekly endeavour? I can't believe how busy I've been over the last couple of weeks. Granted, a sizeable portion of that time has been spent hanging out with friends, but it still counts as time in which I'm not working on this page.  Time in which I could be including cool stuff like this kittycat here... or perhaps something like this froggy: I think I might have had a couple of tasty links in my head, but they've slipped away over the course of the weekend. C'est la vie.
Speaking of which, I've got the ALT Farewell Party in Saga tonight - and I've managed to get myself a date. It seemed like a great idea when it was being set up, but that might just've been the whiskey that Barry & I were drinking. I dunno; it seems kind of odd, bringing a woman who doesn't really speak English to an English teachers' farewell party - especially a Japanese one with platinum-blonde hair. Although I've got to say, the thought of bringing a date to this party appeals to my punk aesthetic in a lot of ways. I guess it's akin to the time I showed up at a conference in a tuxedo with a mohawk - it's the sort of thing that people just don't expect to see or have to deal with. But don't get me wrong - I'm not simply using this girl to shock and get a rise out of people (read:"Saegusa-sensei"); that's just one of the bonuses. I met her at the Zou Farewell Party in Karatsu last month and we had a pretty good time together. Well, whatever. Shooting myself in the foot seems to happen to me just about as often as sticking my foot in my mouth...
Which I no longer have to worry about, as it is now 230PM and I just got off the phone with the aforementioned woman. She ain't comin'. Damn.
Monday, July 17, 2000
Hmm. Again a week later. I need some creative ExLax or something. Well, let's see... I met a crazy man today. I was sitting in the staff room at school when this fellow came walking across the school field and began talking to the 3rd year kids through their class window. At first I figured he was just a parent or relative dropping by the school when he abruptly turned around, walked to the pitcher's mound and tossed a few imaginary fastballs. That's when the other teachers noticed him; nobody had any idea who he was. He then walked over to the pool, hopped the fence and disappeared. At this point, for some reason or another, I thought it would be a good idea to go and talk to him - after all, this is Japan, right? It's a safe place.
Arriving at the pool, I found him standing at the far end wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. I said hello, hopped the fence and asked him how the water was. He replied by jumping into the pool and splashing about. He sort of chit-chatted for a bit when he stuck out his hand - which I shook. Letting go, he offered me his other hand - which only had the thumb left on it. I shook it (no sense being rude) and asked him if he had had and accident. "Nope. Yakuza." he said. "Swim." I pointed out that I was fully dressed and couldn't, to which he gestured to take them off. "Nah, it's ok. I'll swim later." I said. Then he got mad and started yelling "Swim! Swim!" while splashing me with water. when I told him to stop, he grabbed my hand and tried to pull me into the water. I pulled my hand away, but he grabbed onto my leg and started pulling on it. He had his one good hand firmly wrapped up in my pant leg, so I kicked with my free foot and he let go. "Why not?" he said. I told him that I had to teach classes this afternoon and I couldn't very well do so if I was wet. "Oh." he said and climbed out of the pool. He then proceeded to give me a guided tour around the pool, telling me all the changes that had been made since he was a student. That's when the other teachers showed up with the police close behind. I left with the other teachers and the cops sson convinced him to leave. Altogether very interesting indeed.
I was gonna talk about how folks are all leaving soon, but I figured this would be more interesting. Doncha think?
Wednesday, July 19, 2000
And so it begins.  Said goodbye to Greg and Barry yesterday - it still hasn't really registered what that entails. I know I'm gonna see folks again, it's just that I won't get to see them whenever I want or all at the same time ever again. Chris said yesterday that his life in Japan is now over - a neat little 3 year bundle of his life that is complete. Also had a good discussion with Rene on the way back from the airport yesterday. What an odd group of friends we are. We were talking about how if all of us were in the same bar back home and didn't know each other, we probably wouldn't end up talking to each other, let alone become good friends. Why is that? Why do we always feel the need to surround ourselves with people of a like mind? Living here and basically having no choice but to deal with and become friends with all sorts of people has been a truly great experience, and I'm gonna miss all these guys like crazy.
Did I say that already? Well, whatever. My head is definitely not screwed on right today. Kaori came by Zou last night... those of you in the know are in the know, and those of you who aren't... sorry. This time it's a secret.
Later in the day. I've gotta get a move on and meet all the new kids down in Saga, but I felt I had to share this with y'all. One of my students made it for me... and I didn't change a thing, honest. But now I gotta run. Enjoy!
Monday, July 24, 2000
Choices. Faced with several of them lately and I feel that I might have made some of the wrong ones. I hate that. Still, nothing to do now but wait and see what happens, I guess. Nothing like letting the fatalist in me take things over for a while. Though that does tend to lead to a decrease in my overall health, it appears.
Summer vacation at school. Sort of. The kids are here, I'm here, the other teachers are here, but we're all doing nothing. Very peculiar. Seems that there is something wrong with doing nothing at home, but at school it's ok. Only another month of this to go. Luckily I've got new ALTs and orientations to liberate me from this oubliette. Oh, and I also tend to rework my image every now and then. Keeps people on their toes.
What else is new... hmm. Girls would be one thing. I don't know what the hell has happened, but the old saying "it never rains but it pours" has never been more true. I just don't get it. Remember Kaori from earlier on? Well, I don't know what's happened with her. And now there's Ryoko to consider, who I guess has become my girlfriend. It's all so terribly unclear. I don't know. Maybe I just want to eat my cake and have it too. I don't know my ass from my elbow these days. I feel like I'm caught in downward spiral and there's no way out. What with all the folks who are coming and going and all the associated welcome/farewell parties and the meetings and orientations, I feel like I'm burning my candle at both ends. The worst of it is, it's not even halfway over yet. I've got another month of this mayhem to slog through. Though perhaps the worst of it is I can't keep my thoughts coherent... look at this entry. It's all over the place.
Friday, July 29, 2000
Wow. This has been one hell of a week.  What with folks coming, going, crashing at my house, farewell parties, welcome parties, fireworks and actual work I'm fairly bushed. Add the whole Ryoko/Kaori thing to that and I'm exhausted - but thankfully I've managed to resolve that; not without excessive worry and heartache, mind you, but I've sorted it out. Looking back, I guess all the stuff going on really took it's toll. I've decided to clean up my act for a little while. In other words, less body abuse and more body care. Should be a nice change after this past month.
Looking forward to Lupin III on TV tonight. Nothing like a little Lupin to relax after a hard week. If you don't know who Lupin is, I'd say it's about time you found out.
Hmm. My thoughts still seem to be a little disjointed. Thankfully it's summer vacation and all I have to do is show up at school for a portion of the day. Nobody cares if I'm late or leave early, just as long as I make an appearance. Ain't life grand? I can see why folks think I'm a lazy sonuvabitch - they're just jealous.
On another unrelated topic, I have met an alarming number of yakuza lately - and not like my neighbours... these folk seem a lot more serious about the whole thing. To be honest, they've all been very friendly and surprisingly open about their profession - I've seen more tattoos and severed fingers in the past week or so than I've seen in my life. Despite this openness, they all occasionally get this sort of look in their eye that I really don't think I can describe or recreate. It's sort of akin to looking in a crab's eyestalk: there's no recognition, emotion or feeling - it's almost as if they see you as a piece of meat. Or every once in a while they decide they want to see how strong you are and pull stunts similar to that guy I met in the pool earlier this month. It's all very feral at times. I'd never actually tell them that: I'm far too attached to all my body parts.
Anyway, lunchtime.
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