| The Commandments |
| Rule #6,172 (Gas Warfare Act): You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you�ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she�s officially your girlfriend. Rule #6,520: Any man caught gossiping must wear a skirt over his pants for one workweek. Rule #6,521: It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you�re sunning on a tropical beach�and it�s delivered by a topless supermodel�and it�s free. Rule #6,777: You are not an alcoholic if: � Beer accounts for only one meal per day (and two snacks). � Women will still sleep with you for free. � You know the guy whose shirt you puked on. Rule #6,876: When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.) Rule #7,000: If a man compliments your "outfit," he is accusing you of being gay. Rule #7,104: Only in a situation of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles. Rule #7,105: Unless you�re in prison, never fight naked. Rule #7,229: If your girlfriend refuses to do anal, or to swallow, or to perform any other sexual favor, it is your duty to stop her from spreading her evil gospel among your friends' girls. Rule #7,546: When your girlfriend or wife goes on an endless rant about how crude, stupid, and lazy your buddies are, the proper response is to nod your head and say, "You're absolutely right, dear. And they're on their way over." Rule #7,547: No phone call between men shall last more than one minute per year of friendship, unless it's about fixing something. Rule #7,718 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Rule #7,847: The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping, you may stand back and enjoy. Rule #7,911: A man's hair shall not be longer than his girlfriend's. Rule #7,975: It's OK to like Fight Club, Seven, and Snatch. It is not OK to be a Brad Pitt fan. Rule #7,982: Honor thy girlfriend's father and mother-at least until they're fooled into believing your intentions are honorable. Rule #7,995: One pair of feet? One pair of shoes. Rule #8,000: Friends don�t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. Rule #8,102: Never speak ill of another man's dog. Always speak ill of another man's cat. If the other man owns a gerbil, find another friend. Rule #8,109: Never have sex with a woman who's wearing a watch with a second hand. Rule #8,174 (The Golden Rule): Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish �pee breaks are safe� local ordinances. Rule #8,201 (The Hos Ahoy! Rule): If your buddy invites you to spend the weekend aboard his boat, it's understood that you'll be bringing along at least one hot chick-and that she won't whine about the "cramped quarters" or her bikini top being used as a fish stringer. Rule #8,231: You may pleasure yourself in the shower, but not in the shampoo. Rule #8,296: Formula for number of sex partners to tell your girlfriend you've had: Conquests she can prove + 1. Formula for decoding how many sex partners your girlfriend has had: (partners she claims + 10) x (number of sex toys she owns) x (number of times you've seen her bum a cigarette off a male stranger) � (number of Amy Grant albums in her collection). Rule #8,323: The retribution for cracking a joke about screwing a guy's mom, sister, or girlfriend should be proportional to how likely it is that you would actually do it. Rule #8,411: When it comes to animals, remember this simple rule: Carnivores = pets; herbivores = food. Rule #8,416: When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes�as long as you don�t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sidelines. Rule #8,421: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you�d better be talking about his choice of beer. |
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