| The Commandments |
| Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy�s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature�s unsuitable. Rule #1,765: If you're the new guy at work, "New Guy" is your only name until a new new guy shows up-even if you've been a senior VP for 12 years. Got it, New Guy? Great, now fetch us some coffee, New Guy! (God, we love that.) Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own�weed whacker, car, firstborn child�with 12 hours� notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don�t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free. Rule #2,284 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he�s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. Rule #2,475: Do not torpedo single friends: If you�re married and a pal drops by with a date, do not, even after your sixth vodka, blurt out, �So, when are you two gonna walk the plank?� Punishment: Following the assembly instructions for your rug rats� toys for two years. Rule #2,552: If it doesn't come with a side of meat, it ain't breakfast. Rule #2,650 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy�s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he�s fully within his rights to say, �Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.� Rule #2,738: Women who claim they �love to watch sports� must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. Rule #2,811: If a man�s zipper is down, that�s his problem�you didn�t see nothin�. Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy�s birthday is strictly optional.) Rule #3,005: The loser of a bet must be prepared to pay up on the spot. The winner, however, is obligated to accept any reasonable lame-ass double-or-nothing proposition, until the debt reaches one gazillion dollars. Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) � dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbor chick. Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend�s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. Rule #3,987: You can only falsely claim another guy's personal anecdote as your own if (1) there is a chance the story will get you laid, (2) the guy you're stealing from lives in a different town, and (3) no one in earshot can prove you never spent three years as a guerrilla leader in Bolivia. Rule #4,001: Under no circumstances may one man ask another man a question that begins with, "So, what are you wearing to...?" Rule #4,262: An anecdote about a threesome, no matter how unlikely and overwrought, may not be interrupted for any reason. Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies� girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals� significant dickheads�low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry, ladies: It�s called a double standard because it�s twice as true.) Rule #4,884: The official ranking of your friends' dorkwad hobbies, in order of how intensely you should mock them: 5. Fantasy sports leagues 4. Stamp collecting 3. Comic books 2. Doily knitting 1. Star Trek conventions Rule #4,893: Unless she is specifically invited, it's not OK to bring along your girlfriend when meeting a drinking buddy. What the hell are you three possibly gonna talk about? Rule #5,177 (The Rise 'N' Shiner Rule): If your girl wakes you up with a good-morning hummer, you must obey her every command until sundown-c'mon, that's more than fair. Rule #5,212: Thou shalt not take the name of Traci Lords in vain. Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh. Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who�s playing. Rule #5,883: A man should be able to consume the weight of his own head in alcohol at one sitting-but should not attempt to actually determine the weight of his head after his eighth tequila shot of the morning. Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you�ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. |
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