| The Commandments |
| Rule #1: Thou shalt not rent Chocolat. Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. Rule #19: No guy shall attempt to pick his own nickname. If a friend suddenly starts demanding to be called Diesel, it's your duty to saddle him with a handle like Wee-Bit or Sheet Stain. Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy�s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence. Rule #187: Never, ever put up your girlfriend as collateral in a poker game, unless you're holding a full house or better. Rule #188: You are within your rights to leave the poker table early if you're up. And the other players are within their rights to duct-tape your shaved body to the axle of a Peru-bound semi. Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You�d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns. Rule #476 (The Big Screen on Campus Rule): A man's salary should never be used to judge his social status or virility. The size of his TV should. Rule #511: When asked, your best friend's girl is always beautiful-and never your type. Rule #663: Even if God Almighty himself asks, you have no damn idea what brand of conditioner you use! Rule #674: You must maintain to the death a "rampaging rhino"-type anecdote to explain all scars. Admitting your toaster boo-boo dishonors you and your listeners. Rule #689: If you score tickets to a major sporting event and take your girlfriend over your buddy, he is perfectly within his rights to spend those three hours boning your mother. Rule #692: Friends don't let friends drive drunk-but they also don't open their fucking mouths when their sober friends are driving 115 mph in the wrong direction on a one-way street. Rule #711: It's OK to shed a few extra pounds; it's not OK to gush about "having a delicious shake for breakfast and a sensible dinner." Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: �down in Tijuana,� �improbably booting out his nose,� �mostly scabbed over,� or �energetic Greco-Roman clusterfuck.� Rule #724 (The There's Only One Trivia King! Rule): Knowing who played lead guitar in Grand Funk Railroad is cool. Knowing who holds the American League record for postseason RBIs is cooler. And knowing the cubic inches of a '68 Pontiac GTO engine trumps 'em both. Rule #732: Sex with a hot stewardess is still cheating. But sex with hot Swedish stewardess twins, surprisingly, is not. Rule #776: There is no such excuse as "I am not properly attired to partake in this impromptu athletic match." In fact, freshly pressed $2,000 suits make a great third base. Rule #802: You are not a fan of a major sport unless you can lucidly explain its overtime regulations. Conversely, you are not an American if you can lucidly explain the overtime regulations of soccer. Rule #881: When ordering pizza, you are not required to provide a meatless option for any vegetarian interloper. If you have a backyard, however, you may invite him/her to graze. Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.) Rule #1,000 (The NutraSweetie Rule): Drinking a diet soda doesn't make you gay. But it does make you look gay. Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Rule #1,111: One does not shave one's nether regions unless one is prepping for open-nether-region surgery. Rule #1,219: If you�ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her. Rule #1,304: The proper housewarming gift for a buddy: beer. The proper going-away gift for a buddy: beer. The proper "checking into Betty Ford" gift for a buddy: light beer. Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who�s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1�10 scale. |
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