| The Commandments |
| Rule #8,580: Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she�s withholding sex pending your response. Rule #8,659: It's acceptable to have sex with a woman 20 years older than you if: � She's European. � Her husband and servants left her alone at the mansion for the weekend. � You're 10. Rule #8,745: When hugging another man is required, as when encountering an old friend while drunk, only the arms, chest, and shoulders may touch; the hand may be used to clap briskly on the back, but may not stay on his body. Rule #8,746: Corollary: Never hug another man from behind or allow yourself to be so hugged. Rule #8,754: Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: �Yeah, baby, push it!� �C�mon, give me one more! Harder!� �Another set and we can hit the showers.� �Nice ass. Are you a Sagittarius?� Rule #8,812: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That�s just plain mean. Rule #8,820: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you�re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible �I recognize you� nod is all the conversation you need. Rule #8,821: Never loudly insult the jukebox selection at a bar with more than six Harley-Davidsons parked out front. Rule #8,901: No man shall purchase a Christmas gift before December 22. Rule #8,911: The accepted excuse for making a mule's ass of yourself in public, age 29 or younger: "Dude, I'm so-o-o-o drunk." The accepted excuse for making a mule's ass of yourself in public, age 30 or older: "Hey, I pay my taxes." Rule #8,912: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you�re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary. Rule #8,959: It isn't mandatory that you contribute to every coworker's birthday/get well soon/going away gift fund. It is mandatory that you contribute to every coworker's Super Bowl/March Madness/turtle race betting pool. Rule #8,990: Any man whose wife or girlfriend does the grilling must wear a frilly pair of oven mitts in public for a month and must explain why to any curious passersby. Rule #8,992: If a married man lets his wife keep him away from two consecutive guy outings, said pals may legally move into his living room and begin the intervention process. Rule #9,048: You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor�s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes. Rule #9,076: When receiving oral sex while driving, always: Wear your seat belt. Close the sunroof. Smile. Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible. Rule #9,210: If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it�s the chorus to �Wooly Bully.� Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole. Rule #9,374: If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state�s crimes-of-passion laws be your guide. Rule #9,481: When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either. Rule #9,546: Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resum�. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker. Rule #9,601: Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a �Fuck off!� you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about. Rule #9,750 (The Skank Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there�s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you�re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don�t beg; it�s unseemly. Rule #9,806: The morning after you and a babe who was formerly �just a friend� have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you�re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. Rule #9,998: Always split aces and eights. No arguments. Rule #9,999: Money borrowed from a pal absolutely must be repaid...sometime over the course of your life. Take your time. |
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