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Okay, so I kind of have a weird family. For beginners, I am the product of an interracial couple; my dad is Jewish, and my mom is black. Together, they produced two Taiwanese boys (family tree depicted at right). The genetics of this are unclear. (See note* below)
(Note*) All of the above is clearly untrue... however I have gotten so many bewildered queries that I suppose I need to iron this out once and for all. No, my mom is not black, and no, my dad is not Jewish, and no, those are not actually their pictures (but anyone who knows both of them will tell you the pictures are strangely appropriate all the same...) My parents emigrated from Taiwan to the U.S. in September, 1972 with nothing but thick Chinese accents (oy vey!). They moved to Oklahoma and instantly became the only Asians within a 1000-mile radius—they were occasionally even asked what "tribe" they were from. At Southwestern Oklahoma State, my dad received his B.S. in Pharmcology, and my mom got a M.Ed. They then moved to one of the three loci of Asians in America—Washington, D.C. That's where my brother and I were born.
Well, that's enough about our history; I should tell you more about the current state of affairs. For starters, my dad is an almost-retired pharmacist who loves to make money using Fidelity Investments, and, in case you couldn't figure this out, he's not actually Jewish—just kind of thinks he is. He's certainly in no way religiously Jewish, nor can he speak Hebrew or even distinguish between a latke and a noodle kugel—but he has decided to change his name from "Wen Chen" to "Wenstein Chenberger." (I'm not kidding... I have letters addressed to "Wenstein Chenberger" to prove it!)
Next, my mom is an almost-retired school psychologist with the D.C. Public Schools who enjoys watching Oprah and playing computer games, and, in case you couldn't figure this out, is not actually black—just kind of thinks she is. Most of her friends are African-American school psychologists from the District, and she can often be overheard engaging in telephone conversations with these co-workers using her own unique version of "urban" language. I was once horrified to discover her using the term "shoot, girl" with the greatest of inner-city aplomb!
Finally, my brother Jason is the guy on the lower-right side of the family tree. Even more perplexing than his double major in neuroscience and commerce at the University of Virginia (B.S. received 6/02) is the look on his face in that photo, taken after a concert given by Vietnamese pop singer Kristine Sa (pictured to his left). Other than speaking in incredibly offensive Vietnamese/Cantonese/Korean accents to one another, my brother and I also play Playstation 2 like a couple of young Asian dorks, complain about interracial dating, make fun of our parents and everyone we encounter, and also blast our music at one another. He drives a B-M-duhberyew thuree-sereesuh.
The rest of my family is scattered around—I have one uncle in MD, one great-aunt in NY, one cousin in NJ, one aunt in WA, one uncle and two cousins in CA, and just over 4,000 cousins in Taiwan.
My family loves to take vacations together! This results in frequent embarrassment! We reached the height of ghetto-fabulousness during our most recent trip to Chinatown in 12/02. My parents decided to purchase a little metal cart called a "Pony" in which to lug around the exotic fruits and vegetables my mother always insists on buying there, effectively transforming us into a tribe of Asian hobos. I say you don't know humiliation or terror until you try wheeling one of those things around a crowded Chinatown street with hordes of elderly Cantonese banshees whacking at you angrily with their wooden canes!
Well, that's it for now. In the future I will be posting insightful essays related to my family such as:
Justin Chen is a syndicated columnist for the New Yorker and is a frequent contributor to NPR's This American Life. He clearly emulates the warmly irreverent writing style of Sandra Tsing Loh. (© Justein Chenberger Publishing, 2002.)
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