Getting the Most out of your Chinese All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Experience
Justin Chen
Staff Reporter
"Okay kids, time to go to the buffet!" To a Taiwanese-American youth, there are no more frightening or exhilarating words in the English language. You see, the buffet epitomizes the Asian-American immigrant experience; those who choose their dishes wisely and think ahead throughout the course of the meal reap the rewards of their labors—a full stomach and a better future for their whole family—while those who choose poorly end up on buffet welfare, crying into the warmed-over pizza and macaroni and cheese and wondering to themselves, "Where did it all go wrong?"
All it takes to succeed in this dog-eat-dog world of fast-paced gluttony, as you will soon see, is hard work, luck—and a little bit of disgraceful behavior. Let's take a look.
The tutorial begins at a logical place—the entrance to the restaurant. Scan the entire room and locate the table nearest the buffet serving line, then immediately shove your way over, preferably shrieking profanities in Cantonese. The importance of a prime location cannot be emphasized enough! It will not only maximize the time you can spend eating, but it will also allow you to quickly and accurately identify which new food items are being brought out to the buffet. You may also consider bringing an old blanket or comforter so that your family can spread out directly on the floor next to the serving line and dine picnic-style.
At this point, the waitress will come and offer you a coke. The appropriate response is the following incantation: "The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun—go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass!" If spoken with enough feeling, this will cause your chopsticks to glow with a supernatural fire and repel the foul creature, who is trying to trick you into filling your stomach with useless sugar water and carbonation. Do not fall victim to her diabolical snare! You may order water or unsweetend hot tea—but only if you feel you absolutely must.
You might like to begin some light aerobic or T'ai Chi-type exercises now. Breathing deeply and touching your toes a few times should stimulate your appetite, as will a few...ah... purgings in the ladies' restroom. It goes without saying that you should have fasted for one or two days before even coming, but it's best to make sure you have absolutely nothing in your stomach as you begin this important feast. Remember—you earned this extra time to perform calisthenics and to purge because of your good work in claiming such a centrally located table. Don't feel rushed into starting to eat. As Confucius once said, "Haste makes waste, both in life and at the Ming Garden Imperial Dragon Jade Lion Dynasty Pavilion of the 10,000 Glorious Treasures buffet, also Phoenix Empress Wok Bamboo Palace ($15 minimum order for free delivery)."
Now that you're limbered up, it's time to attack the food itself! The main rule here is simple: Only eat sea creatures; the more expensive, the better. Crab, lobster, shrimp, and raw fish should be your primary targets—and if you're going to eat fried rice or lo mein, you may as well just start flushing money directly down the drain, you disgraceful child.
While you are eating, I will share two buffet anecdotes with you. The first actually happened to me at a Chinese food buffet on a weekend, which as you know meant the prices were hiked up but there was LOBSTER on the menu. In an ill-fated attempt to taste one of these succulent (read: costly) creatures, I crept toward the buffet line—only to be confronted by the daunting prospect of 10-15 hungry Asians who had all grabbed tongs from surrounding dishes in preparation for the arrival of a new batch of crustaceans! Not one to be outdone, I quickly nabbed a pair of tongs from the dessert bar and adopted my best lobster-snatching stance. 11-16 pairs of hungry Asian eyes gleamed in anticipation as the doors from the kitchen swung open, and a small Asian man bearing a tray piled high with steaming red claws and tails triumphantly emerged. No sooner had he relinquished his prize than pandemonium broke loose—carapaces went flying, steaming hot lobster innards spattered everywhere, and I swear a piece of ginger lodged itself in my eye! I was clearly outmatched, and when the dust had cleared, I found only an empty blood-stained shell on my plate. To make things worse, I started laughing at the scene's sheer ludicrousness, at which point my mother snapped at me, "What are you laughing about? You didn't even get any lobster." These are the words of a true buffet afficionado, whose non-ginger-blinded eyes remained fixed on the prize. The moral of the story is: Beware the weekend seafood buffet!
The second tale comes not from firsthand experience, but from a West-coast friend fully versed in the Asian all-you-can eat buffet culture. He informed me that in California, buffet restaurants have rudely begun charging customers for each item of food left on their plates, apparently as a means of reducing waste. Well, this new regulation is clearly at odds with the main rule of the buffet, namely: Only eat sea creatures. For instance, if a nice slab of raw salmon is unfortunately accompanied by a roll of rice (i.e. "nigiri sushi," pictured to the right), it would be sacrilege to consume anything but the fish, but the monetary penalty for leaving rice on your plate is severe! The solution that my friend's father found was to get a seat outdoors and throw the rolls of rice directly into a river that was conveniently flowing next to the restaurant. Although his son complained that these delicacies were attracting large flocks of birds (and angry glares from the restaurant's other patrons) toward their table, all applicable rules were upheld.
Oh, you're already done? Well, stuff a half dozen of those egg custards in your pockets and be on your merry way! As you stagger toward the bathroom, clutching your stomach and regretting ever having listened to my advice in this essay, at least you can console yourself with the knowledge that you got your $6.95's worth.
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