The Chen Family Christmas Presents Hall of Shame

Justin Chen
Martyr

Ah, Christmas—that magical time of year when all the symbols of a parent's love are carefully wrapped in colorful packaging and gently stowed under a tree heavy-laden with glistening tinsel. How could any child sleep easy on Christmas Eve, knowing that this scene, so alive with yuletide warmth, will soon be filled with the joyous sounds of ripping paper and excited shrieks? How could they drift into a peaceful slumber thinking about those piles and piles of wonderfully mysterious boxes just begging to be opened?

Easy—they could just spend that night at my house.

Now to be fair: my family had wonderful, picture-perfect Christmases for several years, all of which unfortunately took place before I was old enough to possess a functioning memory. (The only reason I know this is that the evidence was caught on my dad's videocamera, as is every other aspect of my life—which will be the subject of another essay.) But at some point, my mother, for reasons wholly alien to everyone, decided that we kids were too old to keep up this ridiculous business of gift-exchanging. She promptly bestowed the role of "Christmas tree" to its lesser-known understudy, the enormous poinsettia plant on our family-room table, and outlawed the giving of any present deemed to be "impractical."

Not surprisingly, it was around that time that this Hall of Shame began to take form. So without further ado... here are the five most shameful gifts to have ever appeared under the poinsettia plant:

5. A box of fruit-flavored Mentos (that's right, not even the minty kind) that had clearly been purchased from Price Club

4. A carton of "Act III Microwave Popcorn" that had also clearly been purchased from Price Club

3. A waffle iron

2. A small piece of paper inscribed with the words: "Redeemable for one pair of brown shoes"

1. ... and the winner (to-date) is... a 30-year-old novel entitled "The Naked Ape" that my mom took from my bookshelf and wrapped as a present even though it was abundantly clear that I had never touched it before and possessed no intention of ever reading it in the future.

Of course there is obviously still room in the list for more winners; but you'll just have to wait until December 2004 to see those results. Til then, I'm gonna go pout in my room, dreaming of that fire truck I never got or the MP3 player I've always wanted. And maybe—just maybe—I'll finally get started on "The Naked Ape."

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