Friday September 24, 2004:
Yesterday was a really bad day for me. In truth I have not yet really dealt with losing my baby. I know I need to give myself time to grieve, I have cried and reflected but I haven't really mourned. I got a copy of my sonogram a couple of weeks ago. My BF didn't understand until I told him it was the only picture I had of my baby, and the only picture I will ever have. At that moment I could tell he is still trying to bury this memory himself. I can't blame him. His son died back in 97 in an car accident on the way to school. I know it's deja vu all over again, but in a different way for him. He has learned to deal with it by doing the one thing he loves....working on bikes.
I have yet to find a way to deal with it. I am doing my best to keep from the ever constant snacking. That has become out of control. It's amazing that I haven't gained. But I am slowing getting a handle on it. I think a lot of it has a lot to do with the fact that I finally found the source of my sadness. Everything else bad that happens just adds to it. I just have to take it day by day, or hour by hour if need be.
Today was a better day. I am trying to focus on what needs to be taken care of as far as packing and finding a new place to live. I think if I can focus on the positives I will get through. But i need to let myself grieve when I need to, thats the most important thing. I think I have been trying to be strong to get through this, but that is obviously not working. Hopefully it will be a good weekend.
Have a great one and see you guys next week.
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