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| Friday November 12, 2004: Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long. I've been in a really bad depression. You know something, I really thought I had it licked. But I guess I didn't. To be honest I am probably going to suffer boughts of depression every now and again. As long as I can control it I don't think I should ever need meds again. That would be great. The scale still isnt moving, looks like unless something can shock me off this cliff I will be losing at the rate of 2 lbs a month, if I'm lucky. My snacking is getting under control now that my depression is under control, but I still am not really working out the way I should be. I'm getting better about water again and I have stopped the empty calorie drinks. I'm still feeling really tired and weak a lot. I have made an appointment to see my regular doc, and I'm trying to manage to get some time off on a Monday to make it in to see the PA at my surgeon's office. I take my vitamins faithfully and I am getting in protein and vegetables too. I don't know what it's going to take to shake things up for me, but I have to find out. My window of opportunity is coming to a close and I'm not at the 100 lbs mark yet. I think I'm going to check in with my endocrinologist. It can't hurt. I'll let you guys know what I find out. |
| Thursday November 18, 2004: Okay so I haven't seen my endocrinologist but I did go see my regular doc today. Seems to be that my blood pressure is back up. He feels that between this and the stress I have been under it is probably no wonder I have been feeling out of sorts. He even touched on my depression and now that I think about it, I would not be surprised if that has anything to do with it. Sometimes I feel so lost and alone I just can't control my emotions. I know I am frustrated with the plateaus and the job (working as if I was 3 people but getting paid as one) and worrying about moving. And I know lsoing the baby has a lot to do with it too. I still have not really dealt with it. There are times when I just want to crawl away and just cry nonstop. I have accepted it, but I guess a part of me has yet to let go. And I am sure it has to do with the other 3 stressers really getting to me. So another week another zero loss, but I have taken my measurements and I am down another 1 1/2 inches. I'll take it. I am drinking my water religiously. Actually today I am up to 96 ounces. I am going to try and do that every day, if not at the least make sure its at 64 oz always. I also started working out. I have this dvd called walking the pounds away, and its for a total of 4 miles. Man am I out of shape. Cause I only made it to almost one mile. So I have promised myself that I will do this dvd at least 3 times a week and I am counting on getting to 2 miles by the end of next week. I am going to recommit to this and make an honest to goodness effort again. I know my depression can really ruin this for me and I can't let it. If it comes down to it I will go back to a therapist and go bake on meds. It might be the right thing to do. I can't keep functioning like this. I'm sure you guys have seen how awfully depressing my journal has gotten. Can you imagine what I feel inside? I knew surgery wasn't an answer to my mental and emotional health, and my depression is not due to surgery. I just have more work to do one me. Well that's it for tonight. I think I'm going to make it a point to journal more, maybe if I let more out it will help me in the end. Night! |
| Thursday November 25th: Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!! I'm just going to take this moment to say how grateful I am to have people like you have been reading my journal and lending me your support. And I am ever so grateful for my surgeon who made it all possible. There are many other things I am grateful for, they are too many to name and so many people are included in that list. I still haven't lost any more weight. I was so sure that the scale would have moved down a little this week but my monthly friend has come so I knwo that wasn't going to happen. I have been reallty good about the snacking and drinking all my water and then some. I am going to be good for Thanksgiving dinner today too. And I'm going to stop eating meals if I am not hungry. See I'm eating even though I'm not hungry, and I need to change that. Hopefully we will see some changes in the numbers next week. I'm still feeling really tired but I am doing my best to keep moving around, especially at work. My doc gave me some pain pills to help with the bursitis and my knee pain too. I have a feeling I will be looking into surgery next year to fix my knee problem. Oh well, gotta do what I gotta do. Well I have to get back to the stove, I'm cooking the stuffing and I still need to take my shower. Have a wonderful day everyone!!!! |
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