may04

May 2004

Sunday May 2, 2004:
It sucks being sick. Figures I had an extended weekend and I'm sick....YUCK!!!! And now it's time to go back to work tomorrow, kind of miss being unemployed...lol...NOT!!! Been doing a bit of running around the past two days. I made it to my court appointment to hand in my jury papers, lovely now I'll have to show up for jury duty in the next couple of months. Watch me work it not to be chosen. I also had my three month appointment. My surgeon's assistant saw me and is really happy with my progress. They didn't have my lab results and I couldn't wait for them so I'm going to call on Monday and make sure everything is okay. I even got to see my shrink. It was cool to see her. I almost didn't want to go because I have been feeling so good, but I know that I may need her down the road. I'm still changing, not just my body but emotionally and mentally. I just want to keep my head together so I don't screw things up for myself. I wont see her for another two months. But that's okay. I'll see her when I make my 6th month post appt. I'm supposed to go have an ultrasound the month before to make sure I am not developing gallstones. I hope not, I'd like to keep my gallbladder, not that I really need it, I just don't want another sirgery, at least not right away.

I'm finding it easier to eat. Friday night we went to TGIF's and I had the best Jack Daniel's chicken ever. I even enjoyed two of my BF"s ribs. Next time I'm goona have the ribs....heehee. It felt good to almost eat like a normal person, although I did bring home the veggies and the rest of my chicken. I have been told to start adding iron into my diet, so when I drop off my script for actigall I wil grab some iron and biotin supplements. I swear before this is over I am going to bald....lol. I hope not, thank God He blessed me with so much thick hair. It's just that I am shedding more than my own cat and dog put together.

Well I will catch up with you guys later. I have my support group meeting on ?Tuesday and I really do hope I make it. We are supposed to spend some time with my BF's brother & sister-in-law before they move to New Mexico on Wednesday. Hope you all had a great weekend. Nite!!!

Tuesday May 4, 2004:
I never made it to group tonight and I'm really upset. If I only had my own car it would have never been a problem. I actually just got a newer car.....a 2002 Elantra GTS. I haven't seen it yet, my Dad saw it and took it out for a test drive. It's only a small 4 cylinder, but hey the engine is good, it's clean and in primo condition....that's been my word for checking out cars...primo!!!! I know how could I buy something I haven't seen, well I know what the Elantra looks like and my Dad knows cars, plus and foremost I am desparate for a vehicle. I am sick of feeling like my Bf has his hands around my throat because I am dependent on his car. Sucks. I know be greatful for use of a car, but I don't like it being thrown in my face. Hence not going to group after I got home from work. I could have really used the pick me up. I really wanted to see Lynn, and I was hoping to run into two other ladies who have emailed me asking me questions about my experiences with my surgeon. I was hoping to meet them, one girl in particular. She's in a bad spot and I just wanted to give her some hope. I know very well how lonely this battle to start this journey can be, not to mention how lonely it is even after surgery.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret this. I would do it again in a heartbeat. For so many reasons, one of them being that I found my strength again. That feels the best. But this journey can be lonely because unless someone else has been there most people don't understand and truthfully this is a solitary battle. Yes support is so helpful, but honestly this is a journey no one can put us on but ourselves, and only ourselves can keep us on this journey. But I am fine with that. It is just showing me that I am brave and smart and an amazing woman for doing what has to be done. I am making myself proud. In all of this I have found that not only am I becoming happy with myself but I am still striving to make my father proud of me!!!!! At 31 years of age I am still looking for my father's approval, no wonder I am dating an older man. See surgery is not a cure-all there
still so much work for me to do to make sure that eventually my insides
match my outsides. It wont happen over night but it will happen. As I told
my shrink the Old Kathy is coming out of her shell.

I am learning that even though I know I deserve better I am slowly implementing that into action. I guess you can see from my writings over the past few weeks that my BF is a big focal point in all this. Now I know why so many couples (married ones too) break up after a spouse or significant other has surgery. It's not about looking better and wanting to go play the field, and all these other selfish reasons. It's about not settling, but finding our worth and knowing what we deserve. And I deserve the best because I only give the best to the ones I love. I will complete this transformation, it's just going to take baby steps until I can let go of everything I need to get rid of. Crazy talk maybe, maybe it's the full moon tonight, but I know I am right. Enough psycho babble......Wish me luck, I have a long and bumpy ride ahead of me :).

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