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| March 2003......continued |
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| Thursday March 20, 2003 Okay so I have to do it, the sleep study that is. You know I just can't see why I have to have one. Okay so I have sleep apnea, that's one of the things surgery is going to cure. So they might have to watch me more closely after I come out of surgery, so it should be no different than anything else. It's just frustrating. It doesn't put me off it's just that I may not be allowed to take my sleeping pills, and that's a huge problem for me. I'm slowly weaning off of them but I'm still not completely off. Which means I could get anywhere from 1-3 hours sleep without them. And that does nothing but make me fall apart during the day. I can't concentrate, I'm forgetful and I can't afford to make mistakes. I know I'm acting like a big baby, it's only one night, but I get very apprehensive sleeping in a strange place by myself. Ever since I was raped 4 years ago, its been very hard for me to sleep at all. And now that I feel so safe with my boyfriend next to me, it's going to take a miracle to put me to sleep. So I have scheduled the sleep study appointment for April 14th at 10pm. At least it isn't past the 16th. And hopefully I will still get my surgery date when I go back to see the surgeon on March 31st. Can you tell I'm getting a bit anxious to get this done. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Till next time, bye all. Oh and thank you to those sending me emails and words of encouragement via my guestbook. |
| Monday March 24, 2003 Not much happening. Just have a lot on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about how I will finally look at myself. Will I ever see that "thin person" inside me waiting to be seen, at the very least by me? I've been so unhappy these past few months, and I try so hard to hide it. I know it has to do with the fact that I am so unhappy with myself. How tired I get, how winded I get and how easily and swiftly it happens. How I feel in my clothes, my own skin. I hate it. I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo, between living and just existing. It's hard just to get up in the morning and get dressed. I hate putting anything on, I know I'm just going to hate it. I had to go out and spend more $$$$ that I don't have on getting some shirts for the warmer weather coming. I didn't want to, but what else can I do. I don't have anyting else I can fit into, or feel comfortable in. Everything I wear is just to hide what I really look like. Now I know that's just a farse, I know exactly what I look like and no amount of magic is going to hide it. I've noticed, I don't even try anymore. and when I do I just get more disgusted. I know once the surgery is done I will have a long road ahead of me to change how I look and feel about myself. This surgery is just a step, a big step at that. I know it's not all about looking thin and pretty, it has a lot to do with the fact that I just can't get through a normal day anymore. I am more tired than usual, I have no enthusiam or ummphh to the things I do. My weight has become so emcumbersome just to my daily life that the things I used to enjoy make me give up on the things I use to live to do.....horseback riding, dancing, long walks and yes even sex. Don't get me wrong my boyfriend and I still make love, but for me I'm so wrapped up in how I feel I don't enjoy it. I do, but not like I used to, my body just doesn't allow me the freedom and inhibition I used to have. I know a lot is going to change, and soon. But how much damage has this all done to me emotionally, mentally. I know my weight has been at the very core of almost every issue in my life. It's amazing to see now that I look back and really take stock. I wish I never went through this, and yet being the "fat girl" gave me insight to who people really are. Would I trade that insight for being thin, I would probably say yes. But we'll never know until now. Well it's late and I've rambled again for too long, hope you're all doing well out there. Chin up and stay in it to win!!!! NITE!!!!! |
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| Thursday March 27, 2003 Okay I am still suffering from seeing one my favorite bands "Disturbed"!!!! I jammed as hard as as long as I could, and believe me two days later I am still feeling it. I can't wait to see them again and be thinner so I can really go off without it hurting so much the next day. My knees are killing me and my lower back most of all. I know I'm not 15 - 20 anymore, but here is no reason why I can't let off steam just like everyone else. They are amazing, I have never been to a concert and seen anyone who gets me that pumped. I've seen then now 7xs, and I can't wait until I make it 8!!!!! On another note I am seeing the surgeon on Monday. And hopefully I wil have my surgery date too!!! I can only hope and pray that I can have it in April, I know it wont be esrly April but anything anytime in April would be greatly appreciated. Well that's all for now. I'll let you know how Monday goes. Say a prayer for me this weekend. HOME GO TO APRIL |
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