apr03

April 2003

Tuesday April 2, 2003
Okay so I didn't get my date. Believe me no one is more bummed out than me. I had waited 1 1/2hrs to be seen only to be told my insurance has made an amendment to its stipulations before giving approval. I now need two documentations stating that I had worked with a professional (dietician, nutritionist, physician) over a 26 week period. Sucks doesn't it?

So now that just pushes my date back again. I wanted so bad to celebrate on Monday. And I had so many people who were going to be disappointed too. But I guess it's better than a denial from the insurance company. But it doesn't make it any easier to take. I was speaking with a few really nice ladies while we were waiting and we were in agreement that these executives who make things so much harder for the simple folk should be in our shoes just once, maybe then they would be a little humanized.

One thing I must say, each time I go into that office I meet the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. It's nice to meet people who are in the same boat as you are, and really can relate to you. You can laugh about things no one else can understand,

On a mental note, I really need to speak with my therapist. I've been really getting into a depression again. I don't want to have to go back on meds. That is the last thing I need. I'm just tired of feeling this bad. Even my sex drive is gone, and that is NOT ME!!!!!!

Well I am going to call Mary, the nurse for Dr Vohra and see is what I sent her is enough. I pray it is. And then hopefully I will be given a date. Keep your fingers crossed.

Thursday April 3, 2003
I haven't called Mary at Dr Vohra's yet. I thought that if I gave her a chance to review what I sent to her and call the insurance company it might give me a better response than being told to wait till she calls. I just don't think I could take another let down today. It's been a rough week. Work really sucks. I work for a Japanese based company and they suck the big one. One of the managers is the biggest moron I have ever met. Not to mention he has a thing about women. Particularly me he hates, and I hate him right back. And at the risk to my job everyone knows I hate him. I work my ass off. And I get nothing but grief over it. It's enough to deal with the impending surgery and trying to make that happen, I don't need the grief being brought by him. And I am not the only one who sees how he singles me out and harasses me. The unfortunate thing is that he's Japanese I'm a full blooded American, and the company will always protect their own, even the high ups who are American, because it means their job. If only I can get real proof of harrassment I would sue the f*cking bastard. Better yet I would love to punch that flat face f*ck k in the face.

Can you tell I'm in a bad mood? I'm really stressed out. I don't sleep well at all, I take sleeping pills but I'm not getting good sleep. My breathing at night is horrendous. If I could sleep sitting up I would. I know I have sleep apnea, but what's worse is that my tonsils and uvula are so big with how bad it is at night they are so swollen and irritated all day long. I get no relief. I get real scared at night. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to suffocate in my sleep. It's a real possiblity. God I want to have the surgery so bad. I'm so uncomfortable on a daily basis and so damned tired. I can't even think anymore. I slur my speak if I am not fully aware and my math sucks if I try to calculate in my head. Now this is totally not me. It's like the pulomnologist said, I am probably sleeping in the day time without being aware of it. You know I believe him.

Not to mention the killer of it all is my sex life. I have no sex drive at all, I don't even want sex (my ex's would be keeling over right now if they heard me say that). And what's making it worse is my boyfriends lack of interest in me. He says its him, he's tired, he has a lot on his mind. Okay that's acceptable but only for a little while, it's ridiculous when it goes on and on. His lack of interest is really beginning to affect me on so many levels. I feel so less of a woman, and I can't helo but keep blaming myself for his lack of interest. Yes we got together when I was already 230lbs, but we had crazy mad sex even for a man his age. I couldn't keep him off of me. And now, I have to fight for sexual affection. Is it me? Does it really have to do with his age? Is it because he is inbetween work and money is an issue for him? I don't know, who knows the truth with men. All I know I feel worse than ever.