marpg4

March 2003.....continued

Okay so to really make a long story short.....our friendship ended. And so did my friendship with her boyfriend, who in fact was an o;ld high school friend of mine (thats how they met). So now I get this call, I reached out and she hasn't called yet. Now I know she got the message because I spoke with her boyfriend and he said she got it, and was going to call me. So I waited and nothing. So I figured she either is in a bad state, or she is just being who she is and wont call. If anything she's expecting me to keep calling until I get her. That's how she got in the last yr of our friendship. I wont do it. One because if it is upsetting to her, I don't want to make her feel worse. Two, if she is expecting me to keep chasing after her, well she doesn't know me anymore.

Everyone told me I did what I could, and did the right thing. Would she have called me if it was my mom? To tell you the truth, NO. So did I act like a bigger person? I think so. I truly feel for her. All the things she can't share with her, all the events her mother wont be there for...engagment, wedding, children...etc. And it makes me feel really bad. Last night night I even saw a young girl who reminded me of her. Do I hate her, NO. I still love her, but the friend she used to be before she changed. Am I wrong, for not pursuing this? I want to reach out to her, but I refuse to chase. The past is the past, but she said things that you can't take back either. Things that were way off base. Would I go to her if she called, YES. So here I am caught here in a situation and I'm not sure what to do. I guess I will let it play itself out. Sorry to blab on about crap that has nothing to do with wls but I guess I just wanted to know what you thought.

Well I will keep you informed. Next week is the lung dr, so wish me luck all goes well.

Thursday March 13, 2003
Just a quick note, because I'm really ticked off. I am so sick and tired of people treating me differently because I'm fat. I know I don't smell!!!! Today at the office we have an accounting manager here, he's going around setting up a short cut on our desktops. 3 times he passed me by to go across the room to help others. Waiting for people to get off the phone. I wasn't on the phone the entire time. By the time he passed me for the fourth he reluctently came to me. I was really pissed, its really offensive. I AM SO SICK OF PEOPLE TREATING OBESE PEOPLE ANYTHING OTHER THAN HUMAN BEINGS.

Just thought I'd share that. Anybody else feeling the same let me know.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
I'm sorry I haven't been around to do much updating, but nothing really has been happening. I do have my appointment today with the pulmonologist. So that should be interesting. I am feeling a lot better than I have the past week. I really got into a big funk and let myself just get deeper and deeper. When I get that way, I get really sensitive and I have a big tendency to do nothing but put myself down. Its something I have always done. The what did I do wrong?...or...Whats wrong with me? It's something that I have yet to address in therapy. I guess it's time I do. It's funny how you can go from being this real confident person to a weepy mass of tears. I was always personable and approachable. Nowadays I find that when I do go out, its hard for me to carry conversations. And your talking about a Gemini. We are never at a loss for words. But lately I am becoming more so.

Sometimes I am not sure of anything I say or do. I dont have a lick of confidence left in me. Sometimes, though rarely, I feel invincible, but for the most part, I am avoiding everything and everyone. Who wants to be around someone who would just dampen the mood? So I just seclude myself. I know that's not good, so when I do venture about with others I feel out of place, extremely different. I don't know if it has to do with how I see or feel about myself, but I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. And I'm sure having surgery is not going to "cure" my perception of myself. I know it will help, but I know there is a lot more work to be done.

Well enough psychobabble, I need to finish up here so I can split for my appointment. I'll let you guys know how that goes. Oh and for my friend Becky who just had her surgery, my fingers are crossed and I am so estactic for you!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!

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