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| January 2004 continued... |
| Saturday January 10, 2004: No matter what you say or do, it just seems like everyone thinks this is the easy way out. Or that I never really tried to diet and exercise. People still look at my sisters and say I could look like that if I really wanted to, if I only tried. I can't take it anymore. I had a huge blowout with my sister's husband tonight. I think even my sister thinks that I am going into this surgery blind, that I think I am going to be this hot supermodel when this is all said and done....I wish. I hate when people put words in my mouth or try and twist my words around, it's like I'm talking and all they hear is blah, blah, blah. If you don't want to know, don't ask. Then my sister is like I'll tell him never to speak of it again, I don't mind talking about it, but don't make me feel like a failure for not being able to do this without surgery. I just wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry, because no matter what in the back of their minds I will always be fat and lazy, looking for the easy way out. This is exactly what I don't need right now, yeah I'm super sensitive. I don't want to hear I have a wonderful heart and what a good person I am. You know what that means, you're cool but you're still fat. Maybe I'm over reacting, but it's how I feel, like all the guys I've ever met. You are so much fun, I realy like you but..... You would think I would have my families support. I know I do, but I don't need stupid comments. If you don't understand or know something ask. Don't be ignorant, it's just too much for me to deal with right now. I could be having syrgery anything next month, I'm nervous, anxious, excitied and scared all at once, all the time. I don't need to hear the put downs or the if only you did this or that you wouldn't have to do this, or that I don't need this. Enough already. Does it ever end? Do normal people ever leave you alone? Or do they always have to mess with your insecurities? Maybe it's just me, I don't know anymore, I'm just so tired, and tired of worrying all the time. I want to get this over with and move on. I have a whole life ahead of me, and I want to stop hiding in my house and live it. Okay I'm done, I just needed to vent and talk to someone who understands what it is like to be me. Thanks. |
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| Tuesday January 13, 2004: Well I got my date today, it's for March 22nd. Ask you can tell I'm not thrilled. I know beggers shouldn't be choosers but I've waited long enough. Not to mention this is really going to interfer with my training program. I could get booted out of the program for missing classes, and not to mention work. The only good thing is that there is a possibility of getting my date moved to February. But here's the catch...I have to lose weight before surgery. Okay is that enough to just send me over the edge?! I will be the first to admit I let things get out of hand these past few months and dwelled in my depression and misery by eating, and hence I gained weight. They want to put me on Optifast, no way. I can't handle that again, it tastes so horrible it made me gag, not to mention it was barely a cupful. I'm going to have to do this my way. I'm going on Slimfast, and eating a small and sensible meal at night. For example, today I ate 2 scrambled eggs (used low cal Pam) a NutriGrain Bar, and for dinner a broiled chicken mixed in lettuce and green pepper with half a sweet potato. I'm seeing one of my shrinks on Thursday and going back on meds, and I'm going to ask for Wellbuterin (I think thats how its spelled). At least with that I wont gain weight. I'm also going back on Glucophage and I'm gonna try and get some appetite suppressants. This is exactly how I didn't want to lose weight (using drugs), but I have no choice. All I could do when I left was cry, and you would think my BF would be comforting me, oh no, he gets on my case instead. Then he tells me tonight he wasn't getting on my case. I'm just so tired of all this, I wnat to get this over with. My sleep apnea has gotten way worse, I haven't slept well this past week. And here I was hopeful of having surgery next month, now it may be another 10 1/2 weeks. I know I should be grateful, but it's hard to be, when you're sitting in my situation...loss of income, figuring how to pay for another 3 - 4 months of insurance, possibility of losing training course. It's not like I can put off the surgery till after the course, I lose my insurance after April. So what do I do now? Well that's it for now, pardon me, but in truth I need to go have a really good cry and get this out of my system so I can try and make the best effort I can. Ciao. |
| Wednesday january 14, 2004: Okay I'm over myself. Well mostly. I did really good last night and ended my day at 1200 cal, with my proteins higher than my carb intake. I'm tracking my food intake with Fit Day . I know 1200 cal sounds like a lot but if you saw what I was eating, it's really not much, and I'm honestly being good. And compared to my normal eating, which I figured was probably over 3000 cal it could make a big difference in dropping some weight, hey I'm hoping for at least 15 lbs. It's just mind over matter, and it has to get done no if ands or buts. It's just so hard late at night when the munchies attack. If anyone has any ideas, for low cal, low carb snacks I'd love to know. Well I gotta go do laundry, and get prepared for my walk. Wish me luck. |
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