Saturday January 3, 2003:
Okay I have offically gone fruity. Since a week or two before I got the news about my approval I have been having really vivid dreams about having surgery. Whether I was waiting till they wheeled me in for surgery, or I'm waking up after surgery. Last night was just as weird. I was being prepped for surgery and I was crying, I was scared about waking up. Then next thing I know I'm in recovery asking for ice chips promising that I wont swallow the water. Next thing I know I'm walking around the "bariatric ward" doing my walks, and talking to other bariatric patients. My surgeon even gives me this beaded bracelet that shows how well I am doing and when I am scheduled to go home. I told you it was strange.
I think it's because of all these months of obsessing over this process and trying to get approved. I wasn't like this when I had my first scheduled date back on June 5th. I was gun hoe and ready to go. Now that so much time has passed I'm as nervous as a filly. Maybe I've had too much time to think about this whole process of how I am going to feel after surgery. A part of me (very small part) doesn't want to do this, I just wish I was like everyone else and could diet and exercise like a normal person and lose the weight. But I can't and I know now more than ever this is the right choice for me. I am worried about the complications that can occur. The strictures (the opening from the pouch to the intestines closes up), infections, being unable to ever eat anything like a half normal person, to the pain and even the thought that after all this the weight wont come off. It's scary and I think it's about time I went back to a suport group meeting. I need to see others, and know their experiences.
I emailed one woman who had the surgery with my doc, and she left me her number to call her. It's funny I've never been very shy, as long as the focus wasn't about me, but I am finding myself shy about calling. Stupid right? Especially when one of my fellow readers and I exchanged numbers right before her surgery so I could wish her luck and find out how well she did. I even spoke with her husband (well he called me to let me know how surgery went). I guess it's just the reality of how drastically my life will change, and that life is going to happen. It's hard to put into words, but something tells me there are those of you out there who understand.
Well we shall find out soon enough. I'm calling Amy on Monday and I'm gonna ride the bull till the end. Ciao!!! |
