| August 2004 |
| August 9, 2004: Sorry I haven't been around to update. I've been in hiding as you can say. I don't even know how to say this, it just seems so unreal to me. Like I'm living outside of my body watching a movie. I lost my baby last week. For someone who was so undecided as to having my baby was a good thing considering the timing or not, I just don't know how to function right now. It's like I don't even know me and my body. One minute I'm pregnant and my body has changed so much, and I knew it before I confirmed it. The next it's like my body is a stranger to me. I can honestly say I didn't remember my body before becoming pregnant. Sounds stupid, I know. I don't know. I can't sleep, I really don't have an appetite at all, though I am going through the motions of eating. More out of need for normalcy than anything else. My BF keeps saying when things are right we can try again. Be prepared. But I can't help but feel, I don't know how I feel. It's so empty inside right now. I could never imagine that a short 9 weeks of being pregnant would make such an impact on my, in so many ways. I'll try to post again this week. |
| August 11, 2004: I have to get myself back on track. I've fallen back into extremely bad habits, and I can't use my depression as an excuse to undue all that I have done. It's like my girlfriend told me, I have to get healthy and be strong so I can try again. But it's been so hard, there are moments and I feel okay and then there are moments I am falling apart. I'm still getting used to the old me again, realizing that my body has changed once again, but it's been so dramatic, so quickly it's unreal. I just have to hold on to the hope that the baby I lost will come back to me, when my situation is better. I'm going to try not to focus so much on this site about my baby, because that's not why I put this here. I just don't have anyone else to pour my feelings out to, with my sister suffering so many miscarriages, I can't open old wounds for her. I am so grateful that my BF has been my rock. It's like I can't wait to be along side him, I seem to deal better being next to him, feeling him next to me. I need him like I was an addict. What helps the most is that he has expressed to me how he feels about our loss, and that has helped me so much, because this past weekend I was a zombie. But I know I will never forget our lil angel. And I know one day my baby will come back to us. Thanks for listening. I am promising myself here and now to get myself back on track, gratefully I did not gain anything, but I need to remember my window of opportunity to lose my weight is coming closer to an end. Now that I have to concentrate on my losing weight instead of "gaining", I am going to start going back to support groups for strength and a lil inspiration. Oh and if anyone in the Ny area has seen the new Optimum Online commerical with the woman who talks about research her WLS, she is a patient of my surgeon....very cool for her!!!! |
| Saturday August 14, 2004: Not much happening. Enjoyed my luckiest day of the year, yes I love Friday the 13th's. It seemed to be a good day at work. And I got to do some cuddling with my BF, and he told me of how he can't wait until we can start planning for a baby. It helps, to know that we have that to look forward to and to know how he feels. He's been my rock through this. I've just been keeping busy catching up with some WLS buddies taht have shared my journey and trying to help a friend get to her surgery. If all goes well she will have her surgery on Aug 30th. I pray she gets to have it. My surgeon can be real strict about how much weight you have to lose before he will let you have the surgery. She's stuck on a plateau so I gave her some advice that helps me jump off mine. Hoepfully it has worked and hopefully they will let her slide through. See she might not be able to reschedule, becuase after her date he is no longer accepting her insurance. I really wish it goes through for her, she weighs 410 lbs and I know it has to be killing her. Anyway, I'm doing great with drinking my water. Finally. I'm still snacking a bit here and there. I'm not hungry, it's just depression. I get caught up to emotionally when I eat. So I have to stay mindfully when I get down. Well enjoy the weekend, I'll catch up with you guys in a couple of days. |
| Wednesday August 18, 2004: Okay these plateaus are getting extremely fustrating. And I have actually increased my water intake. Where i was once bad and only managed to drink 20 to 30 oz of water I am drinking 64 oz or more every day!!!!! My depression and munching hasn't helped, but I have gotten that under control. I need to really start working up a sweat, and since I don't want to join a gym yet because we don't know where we are moving to I need to break out my exercise video. I gotta do something, because I want to make my goal of 100lbs lost by my 9th month. That would be right on target for me. Then it would only be another 45 - 50lbs to go from there. Someone smack me and get my butt into motion!!!!! Catch ya later, oh and I will take my measurements and pics to update later today!!!! Okay guys, I updated my measurements...I lost another 2 3/4 inches and I finally added new pics. |