August 26, 2004:
I finally came off my plateau, it's only 2 more pounds but it's better than nothing. So now I am officially at an 85lbs loss. Four more pounds and I will forever be under 200 lbs. Wont that be a miracle. I'm sure I will be back on another plateau again, but as long as it's not permanent, I will be fine.
I had my 6 month post op check and so far so good, they are really happy with my progress. So am I. I still have to go to the hospital this weekend and have my blood drawn. I know I was extremely tired because I was pregnant, but I am still a bit under the weather with my energy levels. More than likely it could be my depression that is doing it to me. I've been having really bad mood swings, and it's taking it's toll on me. I used to be a cutter, and other than a bad incident I had over a year ago, I had altogether stopped doing that. It just seems that there are times that it hurts so much from losing my baby that I have an almost unbearable urge to do it again, just to feel relief from my own pain. I know it sounds crazy, some people think it's just one problem on top of another one. But for me, pain felt from the heart is so much worse than pain of the flesh. For some strange reason feeling the blood oozing and seeing it, puts a wave of serenity over me. It's so hard to explain.
But I am doing my best to keep occupied with work and other things. I seem to be doing pretty well, because my boss sent me home early saying that I have been working so hard that he thought he would treat me to some time off. I wish I had the rest of the week off. But it still was pretty cool.
Well I'm out, it's late and I need some well earned rest. Have a great weekend!!!!
|
