This
is a semi-continuation, semi-new story in which, you guessed it, the Les Misérables
characters have to perform a play, and if you remember, Eponine hypnotized
Enjolras (Oh, I know that sounds weird) And Enjolras proposed, dundundun!
Eponine:
Enjolras…
Grantaire:
I really need a drink
Enjolras:
It’s the only honorable thing to do
Eponine:
I don’t want to get married because of honor!
Enjolras:
Eponine, the things we did…
Eponine:
Believe me Enjolras, we didn’t do anything bad.
Enjolras:
Eponine, I remember everything
Eponine:
I refuse to get married for anything but love!
Me:
I need a drink
Javert:
You’re too young
Me:
Can you blame me though?
Javert:
I could use a little liquor myself
Enjolras:
Eponine, my moral principles dictate-
Eponine:
I don’t care!
Enjolras:
Eponine, please, I must-
Eponine:
No, could there be a less romantic phrase before ‘marry me’ than ‘my moral
principles dictate’ and ‘the only honorable thing to do’?
Enjolras:
I didn’t mean it that way Eponine.
Eponine:
It sure sounded like you did.
Enjolras:
Believe me, I don’t go around asking every girl I kiss to marry me.
Grantaire:
Actually, since this is the first one I’ve seen…
Combeferre:
Ah, but the circumstances are very different here
Marius:
If Enjolras gets married, I’ll be a rich man
Cosette:
You’re a rich man anyway.
Marius:
Yeah, but I have a few bets
Grantaire:
You’re not gonna hold us to those bets are you?
Courfeyrac:
Who would have ever though that this could be?
Feuilly:
That just isn’t right.
Bahorel:
I think I’m even more afraid now than when he was hypnotized
Courfeyrac:
Can you imagine Enjolras married?
Eponine:
Come on Enjolras
Feuilly:
An apartment in Paris
Eponine:
You’re being irrational
Bousset:
The little wife cooking him dinner
Enjolras:
I am being perfectly rational!
Combeferre:
And a dozen little Enjolras’s
Enjolras:
You are the one who was being irrational, hypnotizing me, in mercy’s name,
what were you thinking?
Grantaire:
All with little red vests
Eponine:
Well, if you hadn’t been acting so stuffy
Courfeyrac:
Can you imagine?
Enjolras:
I was not acting stuffy!
Feuilly:
‘Down with naptime!’
Eponine:
You so were!
Bahorel:
‘No more baths!’
Enjolras:
I was not!
Bousset:
And Enjolras, the caring father ‘Now children, I am going to tell you a story
about a wonderful man. He wasn’t a prince, no, not anything so horrible. He
was a great man and his name was Robespierre’
Marius:
‘I remember a time when there was no guillotine and there was no equality in
death, so be thankful for what you have.’
Combeferre:
But they would probably be beautiful children.
Grantaire:
Of course, all the other children would be jealous or in love with them.
Courfeyrac:
‘Mommy, mommy, help me! A group of lovesick girls followed me home!’
Feuilly:
‘Now junior, that’s something that you will have to learn to live with’
Bousset:
‘I know I have’
Courfeyrac:
‘But now I have an excuse to stay away from them. That is the best thing about
being married’
Bahorel:
‘Well, not the best thing’
Bousset:
‘What do you mean father?’
Courfeyrac:
‘I will tell you when you’re older. Now put on your little red vest and
start studying Voltaire!’
Bahorel:
‘If I must father.’
Feuilly:
‘Oh Ponine, darling’
Bousset:
(in high falsetto) ‘Yes, Enjolras darling?’
Feuilly:
‘You know, I’ve been wanting another child’
Bousset:
‘But we have 6 already’
Feuilly:
‘Oh, but I do love children’
Bousset:
‘You sure do’ ::they make false kissing noises::
Enjolras:
::clearing throat:: You do realize I can hear every word you are
saying…
Marius:
Um..., uh oh?
Combeferre:
Stay calm Enjolras. Don’t do anything you’ll regret!
Enjolras:
I think I’ve done enough things to regret for one day!
Eponine:
Enjolras!
Enjolras:
I did not mean it like that! Oh, heaven help us!
Me:
Well, I think I have the solution to this problem!
Grantaire:
You do?
Javert:
I find that hard to believe.
Marius:
Well then please, enlighten us.
Me:
We have to perform another play!
All:
NO!
Me:
Yes!!!
Enjolras:
That is probably the last thing we need right now.
Me:
No, it’s perfect, it will give you guys time to think.
Javert:
And what, praytell, are you making us perform?
Me:
You guys have a choice
Javert:
You’re really giving us a choice? Ah, excellent benefactress!
Me:
Choice one: Jane Eyre
Valjean:
But lots of people did not like that book!
Me:
I could say the same thing for Les Misérables
Feuilly:
You didn’t like our book?
Jehan:
Now I am sad.
Me:
No, I did like the book, oh you people! I’m just saying that while a few
people did not like the book, there is no one who did not like the musical
Valjean:
Darn tootin!
Me:
So you should at least give Jane Eyre a try. The second choice is Grease.
Marius:
No way, have you seen their hair?
Javert:
Like you should talk!
Marius:
Don’t start with me, sideburns!
Javert:
Sideburns? Oh, I’ll show you sideburns!
Me:
People, please! Just because we don’t perform it today doesn’t mean we will
never perform it, so keep that in mind.
Valjean:
That would be easy casting.
Cosette:
I was made to be Sandy
Eponine:
Oh, so I would be Rizzo, the loose one? Figures, I don’t want to do that one!
Javert:
At least not today, I would have like two words.
Valjean:
What a shame…
Me:
I’m running low on choices here, any ideas?
Azelma:
We should do another movie, I enjoy actually having a part.
Me:
Well then, what movie?
Grantaire:
Well, I guess anything as long as it’s not Disney.
Me:
Disney? What a fabulous idea!
Grantaire:
I was kidding, I mean, they are all cartoons!
Me:
But you have some great stories, oh, the Little Mermaid!!! Over protective
father, daughter falls in love with a prince, who just happens to look a lot
like Marius…
Marius:
I do not look anything like a cartoon!
Enjolras:
No, no cartoons, I absolutely draw the line at that!!!
Me:
Fine, be that way you mean person! Any ideas, moviewise?
Bahorel:
Fight Club
Jehan:
Casablanca
Bousset:
Superman
Grantaire:
Rocky
Gavroche:
VeggieTales
Courfeyrac:
VeggieTales?
Eponine:
Oh, I like those!
Combeferre:
They are actually very educational…
Courfeyrac:
You’ve actually heard of them?
Feuilly:
Hasn’t everybody?
Cosette:
That is the best show!
Marius:
Larry is my favorite!
Javert:
Figures…
Courfeyrac:
Am I the only one who hasn’t heard of these? Grantaire?
Grantaire:
Well, they teach good things, and there’s no liquor, but I have to admit
it’s a pretty good show…
Courfeyrac:
Enjolras? Please tell me I’m not the only one!
Enjolras:
I’m sorry friend, but I too have been swept up by the VeggieTales craze.
Valjean:
I have the t-shirt.
Gavroche:
I have the beanie stuffed animal things
Me:
I have all the videos! Courfeyrac, stop looking at me like that, I can like
other things too!
Enjolras:
As much as I like the vegetables, I refuse to act as one of them.
Me:
But they teach bible stories, and silly songs!
Enjolras:
I refuse to dress up as a tomato!
Me:
Come on Enjy!
Enjolras:
No.
Courfeyrac:
I need to get out more…
Me:
Oh, fine, be that way! We are still no closer to deciding what to perform.
Grantaire:
Not to mention the wedding proposal hanging over our heads…
Me:
I’m still leaning to Jane Eyre…
Azelma:
But there is such a small cast in that!
Me:
True…
Grantaire:
Can we do something in which there is coffee?
Azelma:
Ah, we’ve created a monster!
Grantaire:
But coffee, oh, it is so good, and hot and smooth, and it makes me happy.
Eponine:
I could say the same for Enjolras, at least when he was hypnotized.
Enjolras:
Okay,…just,…no.
Me:
Come on, we need decisions!
Javert:
Let’s do something about the police!
Marius:
Police Academy?
Javert:
No!
Valjean:
How about, the Fugitive?
Me:
It fits, but I’ve only seen it once
Javert:
Even better then…
Combeferre:
We need something with brains.
Jehan:
And heart!
Enjolras:
And a revolutionary theme as well!
Javert:
And police!
Valjean:
And convicts!
Cosette
and Marius:
And love!
Grantaire:
AND COFFEE!
Me:
People, are you all insane?????
Javert:
Well, I know a few of us are…
Me:
Ok, so, we still don’t have any
movie ideas?
Courfeyrac:
Oh, I know the perfect movie!
Me:
What, please tell me.
Courfeyrac:
Pretty Woman
Me:
The one with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere?
Eponine:
But she’s a prostitute!
Me:
But they do live happily ever after, it does kind of fit…
Eponine:
Are you calling me a prostitute?
Me:
Of course not! It’s just a love story of a girl down on her luck and a rich
handsome man.
Grantaire:
In other words, Eponine and Enjolras have the main parts again…
Me:
Pretty much.
Cosette:
You like them better than you like me and Marius, don’t you?
Me:
Well…
Marius:
I think that means yes darling
Cosette:
Oh well, as long as you love me Marius…
Marius:
I do Cosette!
Cosette:
Well then I am content.
Me:
So for this story we are doing Pretty Woman?
Valjean:
No offense, but your last story stunk, it went overboard.
Me:
Oh, now why would I take offense at that?
Valjean:
It’s true, the first one was much better.
Javert:
I have to agree.
Me:
When Javert agrees with Valjean I know we have a problem. Did you all think the
last story was so bad?
Cosette:
Truthfully?
Marius:
Yes
Javert:
You are obsessed with Eponine and Enjolras-
Feuilly:
You barely did anything with the movie last time-
Bahorel:
You might as well just write love stories for them-
Courfeyrac:
Instead of trying to make us perform something stupid-
Combeferre:
Which is the very last thing we want!
Me:
Well, if that’s how you all feel…
Bousset:
We do!
Me:
I guess you’re right
Valjean:
We are
Me:
So I should just stop writing?
Javert:
Sounds good to me
Me:
Well, okay then I guess you’re all free then…
Jehan:
(quietly) I like acting
Courfeyrac:
Be quiet Jehan!!!!
Me:
(hopeful) You do?
Jehan:
Kind of. It’s better than doing nothing. It’s not like we have lives we need
to be living
Marius:
Some of us do
Cosette:
Some of us are still alive!
Eponine:
Well then I feel your pain for having to waste a few precious hours of your
time!
Javert:
Oh, sarcasm, biting.
Cosette:
It’s not my fault I live happily ever after! Blame Victor Hugo!
Me:
BLASPHEMY! You leave Victor Hugo alone! He is a genius!
Javert:
More so than you are obviously…
Me:
So I can’t write, sue me!
Javert:
Where’s the lawyer boy?
Enjolras:
NO!
Valjean:
Here we go again.
Enjolras:
Am I the only one who remembers all the discord of the last show?
Grantaire:
Discord?
Javert:
Someone’s been studying the dictionary
Enjolras:
Have not! I’m just educated.
Bahorel:
Yeah, we’re all college students, remember?
Javert:
I have more important things on my mind then to remember all of your occupations
boy!
Bahorel:
Do you want to take this outside?
Javert:
Threatening a police inspector? Jail!
Valjean:
Javert really!
Javert:
Questioning a police inspector’s judgment? Jail!
Cosette:
Leave my father alone you big mean man!
Javert:
Calling a police inspector names? Jail!
Marius:
Now listen here Javert-
Javert:
Failing to address a police inspector as ‘inspector’? Jail!
Gavroche:
You need a life
Javert:
Questioning a police inspector’s lifestyle AND making grotesque faces at him?
Jail!
Feuilly:
Do you think you can take us all to jail?
Javert:
Asking a perfectly reasonable question of said police inspector? Jail!
Courfeyrac:
He’s gone insane
Javert:
Questioning a police inspector’s sanity? Jail!
Me:
Note to self: Write slash fiction with Javert and……Grantaire
Javert:
Threatening to write me into a slash fiction? Jail!
Grantaire:
Oy-
Javert:
Being an accessory to me being writ into a slash fiction? Jail!
Me:
Grantaire, give me your watch.
Grantaire:
Anything for a lady.
Javert:
Using the same line over and over? Jail!
Me:
::swinging watch back and forth in front of entire cast:: You are all
getting sleepy, very sleepy. ::They all fall into a stupor:: Now when you
all wake up you will forget everything that has happened for the last few days.
And the only thing that will make you remember all of it is if, um, I tell
Javert that he is a big fluffy teddy bear, and that is NEVER going to happen. ::snaps
fingers::
The cast of Les Misérables is assembled on a set, looking really, REALLY unhappy
Valjean:
(Indignant) Hey, you’re not the one who usually makes us do these stupid
things.
Javert:
(crossing his arms over his chest) Great, now we have a copycat bossing us
around.
Me:
Gee, this seems familiar…
Grantaire:
What the-? Coffee? Where’s my absinthe?
Me:
Try the coffee…
Grantaire:
Hey, this stuff isn’t half bad… But, I’m sober. Oh my goodness, Marius,
your hair is so poofy!
Marius:
Thank you Grantaire.
Cosette:
I like your poofy hair Marius.
Marius:
Thank you Cosette.
Grantaire:
And Enjolras, you’re blond!
Enjolras:
How very perceptive of you…
Grantaire:
Oh no, I hate blondes! Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Enjolras:
We didn’t realize you were that drunk.
Grantaire:
Argh, I was looking up to a dumb blond.
Enjolras:
I will have you know-
Grantaire:
A blond! Now I really need a drink…
Marius:
No, only coffee, I confiscated all of your liquor.
Grantaire:
Evil!
Me:
::sticking my tongue out at him:: Boogerhead!
Grantaire:
Bad writer!
Me:
Drunk!
Grantaire:
Poofyhead!
Me:
Hey, I so do not look like Marius.
Marius:
Thank you writer lady.
Cosette:
I like your poofy hair Marius.
Marius:
Thank you Cosette.
Cosette:
You’re welcome honeybear.
Me:
Eww!
Joly:
Nauseating…
Me:
Anyway people…
Javert:
What are we doing here?
Me:
I am going to make you perform something.
Valjean:
Beauty and the Beast?
Eponine:
Ever After?
Valjean:
Oh, that’s weird, déjà vu.
Eponine:
Déjà vu. Oh, hi Enjolras!
Enjolras:
Do I know you?
Eponine:
Kind of…You seem very familiar to me, déjà vu…
Me:
(under my breath) If you only knew…
Enjolras:
You seem a bit familiar too, where have I seen you before?
Eponine:
Well, I’m Marius’s friend.
Enjolras:
Perhaps that is it…
Me:
Anyway…
Javert:
You’re not going to make us perform something, now really, you wouldn’t want
to do that.
Me:
Actually, I think I do…
Javert:
Of course you do.
Me:
Don’t try to use reverse psychology on me.
Javert:
Me? I would never.
Me:
Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway…
Valjean:
You sure do say ‘anyway’ a lot
Me:
I’m just trying to get you people to focus!
Valjean:
If you say so…
Me:
ANYWAY…
Valjean:
I’m going to start a count of how many times she says it. So far 1
Me:
::Sticking my tongue out at him:: In any case…
Valjean:
Oh, someone has a thesaurus
Me:
I sure do! Now can we please get on with this?
Javert:
No.
Me:
What did you say Javert?
Javert:
I said NO.
Me:
You can’t say no.
Javert:
I can and I just did.
Valjean:
I taught Cosette that it was very important to learn how to say no.
Me:
That’s all well and good, but Javert, you just can’t say no.
Javert:
Watch me. NO
Me:
You can’t do that. You are not allowed to say no.
Javert:
Read my lips. N-O.
Me:
But you have to!
Javert:
Have to? I don’t have to do anything. I am a chief police inspector!
Enjolras:
If he doesn’t have to do it then we don’t have to do it.
Me:
But he does have to do it.
Javert:
I don’t, but they all do. The law exempts me.
Enjolras:
That is ridiculous. YOU are ridiculous.
Javert:
Like you should talk. I mean that vest.
Grantaire:
Oh, you are not making fun of the vest.
Eponine:
That is sacred.
Javert:
It’s also ugly.
Enjolras:
Javert, I am warning you…
Javert:
Bring it on boy!
Enjolras:
Boy? Oh that is it old man!
Bahorel:
What?
Javert:
::rolling up sleeves:: I’ve been waiting a long time for this
Me: Ok, déjà vu, they are getting
very predictable. People, please stop.
Javert:
Oh, you are such an authority figure.
Me:
Listen Javert, don’t make me
have to hurt you.
Javert:
Like you could if you wanted to.
Me:
I so could!
Javert:
Yeah, right.
Me:
Do you want to take this outside?
Javert:
I don’t beat up girls.
Me:
Well that’s good because you
are the one who is getting beat up.
Javert:
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Me:
Here Valjean, anyway…
Valjean:
2
Me:
I’ve brought you all here today
to perform a musical.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because I want you to.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because it would make me happy.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because you are just such great
company.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
I was being sarcastic.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because you are annoying.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because you keep asking why.
Gavroche:
Why?
Me:
Because I said so!
Gavroche:
Ok, I was just wondering, man, what's your problem?
Me:
Oh, my head
Marius:
Your head? My head feels as if I ran into a wall yesterday.
Me:
I wonder why.
Cosette:
Oh Marius, my poor baby.
Me:
Anywa-anyhow…
Valjean:
Yeah, sure, ‘anyhow’
Javert:
I’m still not doing it.
Me:
I am going to ask you one more
time nicely.
Javert:
Doesn’t matter, no!
Me:
Well then we just have to get
physical. ::rolls up sleeves:: Enjolras, beat him up.
Enjolras:
What?
Javert:
Yeah, like that would happen.
Enjolras:
You just broke up our fight and now you want me to start one?
Me:
Well, I had forgotten how
annoying Javert was.
Enjolras:
Well, I do not fight unprovoked. I mean, if he was oppressing the poor I would
build a barricade, but just annoying you? I don’t know if that is where I want
to waste my energy.
Javert:
Quack Quack!
Enjolras:
What?
Javert:
Oh wait-, what sound does a chicken make?
Enjolras:
Are you implying something monsieur?
Javert:
Do you think that I would call you a chicken? Well, then you’re right!
Enjolras:
I fought on a barricade! I died for what I believed in! And yet you still call
me a chicken?
Javert:
Yup.
Enjolras:
Stay calm Enjolras, stay calm.
Javert:
Now the boy is talking to himself.
Enjolras:
Javert, how did you survive to be so very, very old? I would think
someone would have strangled you by now.
Javert:
They’ve tried, I have a very thick neck.
Enjolras:
And a thick head.
Eponine:
And a thick waste.
Enjolras:
Oh, touché Eponine, well done.
Eponine:
Thank you Enjolras.
Javert:
I have neither a thick head nor a thick waste!
Enjolras:
If you say so.
Javert:
Don’t patronize me.
Enjolras:
Me? Patronize you? I would never, you know how I respect figures of authority.
Javert:
Oh yeah, the big bad rebel.
Enjolras:
I prefer the term revolutionary.
Javert:
You would.
Enjolras:
That retort made no sense! Of course I would!
Me:
You know what would be really
great? If you two would sing ‘Lily’s Eyes’! ::They both send me
withering glares:: Well excuse me, I like that song!
Valjean:
Anyway…
Me: Ah, yes, what we are going to be
performing today…
Javert:
It only took you 19 pages to get to it…
Me:
Listen Javert, I am so close to having Enjolras beat you up.
Eponine:
You know Enjolras, you are really quite handsome.
Enjolras:
Well, um, thank you, I guess. I don’t see what that has to do with anything.
Me:
Just take a compliment firebrand!
Grantaire:
I need a drink, please, just give me some liquor, any liquor. Wine, beer, vodka,
gin, brandy, absinthe, even a Jell-O shooter for goodness sakes! Just give me
liquor!!!!
Me:
No.
Grantaire:
Oh cruel fate. Oh hateful hands to take my wine away. Injurious wasps to feed on
such sweet honey and kill the bees that yield it with your stings. I-
Me: I can’t believe you are using
Shakespeare against me.
Javert:
20 pages…
Me:
Oh, be quiet!
Javert:
You do realize that you are just stalling for time because you have no idea what
to make us perform.
Me: I do know what we’re
performing, I’m just trying to make a dramatic pause or something.
Valjean:
I’m leaving, I have better things to do than just stand here and listen to all
of you bicker!
Javert:
Like become mayor?
Valjean:
Hey, I was a darn good mayor!
Javert:
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Me:
Anyway…
Valjean:
3
Me:
Thanks for that…
Valjean:
In mercy’s name, just tell us what you are making us perform!
Me:
Well, you have a choice.
Combeferre:
A choice? Someone is in a very good mood!
Me:
Yup. Ok, the choices, first of
all, are a. Movie b. Musical
Javert:
Must we choose?
Me:
Yes, everyone has to vote.
Enjolras:
Musicals are very entertaining…
Azelma:
But I want a part!
Eponine:
But I like singing!
Bahorel:
But it isn’t fair that we don’t get a part!
Me: Okay, we’ll have a vote.
Everyone write their choice on a piece of paper and we’ll tally it up. I’m a
very democratic person.
Three minutes later…
Me:
Ok, so far we have ten for a musical, ten for a movie, one for ‘give
me liquor’, one for ‘I am exempt, I am a chief police inspector’, One for
‘Whatever Marius chooses’.
Enjolras:
How many votes are left?
Me:
Just one. And the winner
is…musical!
Eponine:
Huzzah!
Me:
And today I have only one musical
in mind.
Javert:
21 pages…
Me:
We are going to be performing,
Les Misérables!
Valjean:
She’s gone insane.
Eponine:
Um, I think you’re right…
Marius:
Just so I’m clear, WE are the cast of Les Misérables, right?
Cosette:
Right pookybear, you’re soooooo smart.
Javert:
I knew she was insane.
Me:
I have not gone insane. You are going to be performing Les Misérables, but some of you will
not be playing yourselves.
Marius:
So I won’t be Marius?
Me:
Nope, I want to give you all a different perspective in life, I want you to be able to
walk in someone else’s shoes, I want you to-
Valjean:
We get the picture.
Me:
So here’s the new casting…
Javert:
I’m afraid…
Me:
You should be, because you’re
Valjean.
Javert:
WHAT?????????
Valjean:
Ha ha, that is so great, ha, ha!!!
Me:
And Valjean, you’re Javert.
Valjean:
No…
Javert:
Yes!
Me:
Um, let’s see, the rest of the
canon character changes…
Feuilly:
That means we’re not changing…
Me:
You guys are just too wonderful
for me to change your parts…
Combeferre:
Like I believe that…
Me:
Enjolras, now, you are either
Marius or Grantaire…
Enjolras:
Can’t I just be myself?
Me:
No, see, I want you get a new
perspective. So either lovesick, torn-between-friends-and-love-Marius or
Drunk,-Why-is-he-so-mean-to-me,-give-me-a-chance-Grantaire…
Enjolras:
Well, if I’m Marius ::he shudders:: then-
Marius:
Is it so bad to be me?
Enjolras:
Well…
Marius:
Hey, I get the girl and live happily ever after, that isn’t so bad is it?
Enjolras:
I mean to have two girls pine for me-
Grantaire:
Yeah, because you have no girls pining for you now…
Enjolras:
And Marius doesn’t truly believe in the revolution, not that Grantaire does at
all…
Grantaire:
I thought you realized I did care at the end.
Enjolras:
I had forgotten Grantaire, I still don’t know why you didn’t just stay down.
Grantaire:
I wanted you to give me a chance…
Marius:
Be me! I’m better! I have a rich grandpa!
Enjolras:
That’s nice…
Me:
Whoever you are, they will be
you. Oh, that sounds weird…
Enjolras:
Let them decide…
Marius:
I want to wear the vest, I want to wear the vest!!!
Me:
Then I guess it’s settled,
Enjolras is Marius and Marius is Enjolras.
Enjolras:
Oh, this is going to be scary
Combeferre:
Very…
Me:
So Grantaire, you’re
Montparnasse.
Grantaire:
Okay, not really an all new perspective, but whatever…
Me:
And Eponine, you are Cosette.
Eponine:
Boring…
::yawn:: Wait, I just thought of something! I would have actually married Marius! You
can’t do that!
Let Marius stay as Marius!
Me:
Sorry Eponine…
Eponine:
No fair!
Me:
And Montparnasse is Grantaire
Montparnasse:
What? Now you have gone insane.
Me:
Probably… Well that’s everyone
important that we have to change, the rest of you are yourselves.
Cosette:
Thank goodness!
Me:
Oh thanks for reminding me
Cosette-
Cosette:
Darn!
Me:
You’re Eponine.
Cosette:
Oh, I don’t want to!
Me:
Sorry, trying to get different
perspectives and all…
Cosette:
Well, okay then, but, oh!
Marius:
I know darling, it’s okay
Me:
Well, here we go…
The scene starts in the little town of Whoville-
Me:
Wrong story!
Sorry. The scene starts with this bus that has to stay at 50 miles an hour-
Me:
Definitely wrong story…
Oh yes, sorry again. How about this one? The scene starts with this guy who builds
a puppet of wood and names him Pinocchio-
Me:
Oh fine, I’ll do it!
Javert:
Page 24, we haven’t even started yet. I doubt anyone has been patient enough
to even get to this point in the story.
Me:
If they are anything like you then they probable jumped into the Seine.
Javert:
Touché!
Me:
In any case…
Valjean:
Someone wants to say anyway…
Me:
Oy, Valjean, leave me alone!
The scene starts: 1815, Toulon, France. The chain gang, overseen by brutal warders, works in the sun.
And they sing about it…
Valjean:
But in the book it starts with me meeting the bishop
Me:
After 75 pages about the bishop and his outstanding life… We are doing the
musical, is that clear Valjean?
Valjean:
Crystal.
Me:
So, prisoners, sing! ::They sing the prologue::
Valjean (as Javert):
Now bring me prisoner 24601
Javert (as Valjean):
Yes, it means I'm free
Valjean (as Javert): NO!
Javert (as Valjean):
Oh I’m a thief? I’ll show you a thief::some sort of strangulation occurs::
Valjean:
Help…can’t…breathe…
Me:
Javert, let go of him!
Javert:
He called me a thief!
Me:
Please, get on with this!
Javert (as Valjean):
I stole a loaf of bread!
Valjean (as Javert):
You robbed a house!
Javert (as Valjean):
I would never! I mean…
Valjean (as Javert):
And you will starve again
Javert (as Valjean):
I know the meaning of these 19 years
Valjean (as Javert):
Five years for what you did
Javert (as Valjean):
My name is Jean Valjean
Valjean (as Javert):
And I am Javert
Javert:
Oh, I get it, I’m supposed to feel bad about the way I treated 24601!
Me:
Ah, give it time Javert. I’m sure you have a heart in there somewhere
He finds work at a farm but is paid less and is rejected at an inn
Innkeeper:
You leave my house
Javert:
Do you have any idea who I am? I am chief police inspector Javert of the Paris
police!
Innkeeper:
Sure you are
Javert:
Are you saying I am insane?
Innkeeper:
Well when an ex-convict says he’s a police inspector, you know something
has got to be wrong
Javert:
Why I oughtta-
Me:
Javert, remember, you’re Valjean, not Javert, so be quiet and be sad!
[They throw him out. He sits down despairingly outside a house from which
emerges the Bishop of Digne.]
Bishop:
Come in, Sir, for you are weary…
Javert (as Valjean): …
Took the silver
[Taking the silver cup, he runs off, but is brought back by two constables.]
Javert:
Good work constables, you see Valjean? The law always wins!
Constables:
Tell his reverence your story…
Bishop:
That is right.
[The bishop gives Javert (as Valjean) two silver candlesticks.]
You forgot I gave these also
Javert:
The bishop just let you go? Aiding and abetting a criminal!
Javert (as Valjean):
What have I done…
[He tears up his yellow ticket-of-leave.]
Destruction of official police property? You have been a naughty boy Valjean!
[1823, Montreuil-sur-Mer. Outside the factory, owned by the Mayor,
Monsieur Madeleine (Javert (as Valjean) in disguise).] Oy
that’s a lot of parentheses
Me:
Okay, the poor sing, Fantine is fired, she becomes a prostitute, and she attacks
Bamatabois. Okay, next! Enter ‘Javert’!
[Valjean (as Javert) enters, accompanied by constables.]
Valjean (as Javert): Wow, I really
like this music, it’s so cool!
Bamatabois:
Javert, would you believe it…
Valjean (as Javert):
She will answer for her actions
Me:
Fantine pleas, but it doesn’t work. But here is Valjean to the rescue!
Valjean (as Javert):
But M'sieur Mayor!
Javert:
Mayor? I could get used to that. I could even boss around the prefect!
Me:
Anyway, lots of stuff happens. Fantine dies, ‘Javert’ catches up with
Valjean. Now on to one of the best songs ever!!!
THE CONFRONTATION
Valjean (as Javert):
Valjean, at last,
Javert (as Valjean):
Before you say another word, Javert
Valjean (as Javert):
You must think me mad! Actually, I always have thought you a few whiskers short of a sideburn…
Javert (as Valjean) (in counterpoint):
Believe of me what you will
Valjean (as Javert) (in counterpoint):
Men like me can never change
Javert (as Valjean)
and Valjean (as Javert):
Me:
Let’s fast-forward 8 years!
Javert:
Fast forward? But I was mayor! I was going to go show the prefect a thing or
two!
Me:
Sorry, we need to get a move on, you were right in the fact that I wasted 24
pages.
Javert:
But the mayor, the prefect, oh darn!
Grantaire:
Breaktime!!!
Me:
No!
Grantaire:
Come on, we did seventeen stinking years already, we need a break, we DEMAND a
break.
Me:
Fine, I’m tired anyway,
have a nice long break, I need to find some aspirin…
Grantaire:
Huzzah!
Eponine:
Hey Enjolras what’s up today? I haven’t seen you much around.
Enjolras:
Ah, yes, hi Eponine.
Eponine:
It’s weird but I feel like I know you…
Enjolras:
I have the exact same feeling…
Javert:
Oh look, the lawyer boy is flirting with the street harlot. Street harlot? Where
did that come from? I like it!
Enjolras:
That is not a proper way to address any female monsieur.
Javert:
And what are you going to do about it?
Enjolras:
Well I could threaten you physically. And no one is here to stop us from
fighting...
Javert:
Then bring it on.
Enjolras:
But I do like to stay nonviolent unless it is something important…
Javert:
Quack, Quack, Quack!
Enjolras:
But when someone tries to besmirch a ladies reputation…
Javert:
Oh, big bad protector of women are you?
Enjolras:
I am a gentleman, nothing more, nothing less.
Eponine:
A gentleman? I had forgotten what you fellows looked like…
Javert:
A gentleman? Ha! You are no more gentle than I am compassionate.
Enjolras:
Well the fact that you are not compassionate is true, but I am a gentleman.
Javert:
You annoy me quite thoroughly.
Enjolras:
Then I have served my purpose in life.
Javert:
::he turns around indignantly and begins to sing to himself::
(And might I take this opportunity to say that Anthony Warlow and Philip Quast are major deities)
Enjolras:
::unconsciously begins singing as well:: Strange this Mary,
Half of the cast has started to watch them
Javert:
From death she casts her spell,
Enjolras:
She has her eyes,
In Lily’s eyes a castle
Everyone is now staring as the voices get louder and resonate
Javert:
She has her eyes,
Enjolras:
Imagine me a lover
Javert:
I longed for the day
Javert
and Enjolras:
Would God have let her stay!
Those eyes that first I loved so
To be alive and whole
Alive and whole
::The entire cast bursts out in applause. Javert and Enjolras looked surprised and a bit embarrassed::
Enjolras:
Well, ahem, thank you…
Eponine:
Enjolras, you were wonderful!
Enjolras:
Thank you Eponine.
Marius:
I could have done that…
Cosette
and Eponine: I
know you could have! ::they glare at each other
as they finish the sentence::
Me:
::dancing around with a tape in my hand::I have them on tape! They sang ‘Lily’s Eyes’ on this tape! I have
the tape! I have the tape! La la la, I have the tape!
Valjean:
I’m scared
Javert:
She’s got issues.
Me:
::still dancing:: I got the tape! I got the tape! I got the…
Javert:
She’s not quite right is she?
Valjean:
Not quite.
Me:
I got the tape!!!
Grantaire:
I really need liquor. Some of you must have something stashed somewhere.
Combeferre:
Sorry friend.
Courfeyrac:
I don’t carry alcohol with me.
Grantaire:
Hey Javvy, I’m sure you got liquor.
Javert:
What would give you an insane idea like that?
Grantaire:
Well then snuff, you’ve got to have snuff, please give me some snuff!
Javert:
No, it’s my snuff, and you’re mean!
Grantaire:
Aaaahhhhh! I need liquor!
Me:
Drink your coffee and be quiet.
Grantaire:
I’m bored with coffee, I need absinthe!
Me:
Bored? Interesting… Here, try this cappuccino.
Grantaire:
Cappawhatzit?
Me:
Cappuccino, trust me, it’s like coffee, but more interesting.
Grantaire:
Cappuccino eh? Well you can call it whatever you want because it is amazing!!!
Me:
Great, now that we have solved that problem ::resumes
dancing around:: I got the
tape! I got the tape!
Eponine:
She is a bit off her rocker.
Me:
I’m off my rocker? Perhaps. But it doesn’t matter because I got the tape! I
got the tape!
Valjean:
Anyway…
Me:
Now you’re just mocking me.
Valjean:
Me? Never.
Me:
Whatever. ::resumes dancing:: I got the tape! I got the tape!
Javert:
Stop that infernal nuisance! Now I know why I didn’t have
children!
Gavroche:
Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason you didn’t have children.
Javert:
Listen gamin-
Gavroche:
Make me!
Me:
Gavroche, you know better than to mock an authority figure like that.
Javert:
That is-
Me:
You have to make faces at him as well!
::we proceed to make silly faces at Javert and he becomes more and more angry::
Javert:
I hate children!
Me:
I’m not a child, I’m a young adult, 16 I’ll have you know!
Javert:
Young adult? Ha! You are not an adult until you have arrested an escaping con!
Me:
So then I guess you’re not quite an adult yet huh?
Javert:
I’ve caught plenty of cons in my life. But what, I make one mistake, fail to
catch one stupid ex-con and I’m branded for life! Argh!
Me:
Oh poor Javvy!
Javert:
I hate children!
Eponine:
Marius?
Marius:
Yes Eponine?
Eponine:
You want to go somewhere after we’re done?
Cosette:
He’s married Eponine, remember?
Eponine:
Married? Really now? ::turning back to Marius:: So Marius, how bout it?
Marius:
Eponine, I would like to but I don’t think it would be proper-
Cosette:
That means no.
Marius:
Why don’t you try talking to Grantaire, actually, no, not him. How about
Combeferre? He’s a good guy.
Eponine:
But Marius!
Marius:
Or Courfeyrac, or Feuilly, or Lesgles, or Jean Prouvaire, or-
Eponine:
But Marius!
Marius:
How about Enjolras? He’s handsome.
Eponine:
Enjolras is a stick in the mud! Just because he is handsome and passionate
and…dedicated and…absolutely gorgeous and…all alone at the moment…excuse
me. Hello again Enjolras!
Enjolras:
Oh, hello Eponine.
Eponine:
Call me Ponine, all my friends do.
Enjolras:
It wouldn’t be proper…
Eponine:
Come on Enjy!
Enjolras:
What did you call me?
Eponine:
Well, your name is really long…
Enjolras:
Three syllables, Enjolras is no longer than Eponine.
Eponine:
That’s why people call me Ponine, or Ep.
Enjolras:
That’s all well and good but-
Eponine:
Then we’re settled Enjy!
Enjolras:
Now hold on one moment-
Eponine:
You want to do something later?
Enjolras:
I really shouldn’t-
Eponine:
Come on, there’s no revolution to plan. I have nothing to do afterwards, and
you have nothing to do afterwards…
Enjolras:
You’re quite forward aren’t you?
Eponine:
Better than a coy bourgeois in my opinion.
Enjolras:
Perhaps but-
Eponine:
So how bout it?
Enjolras:
I don’t think-
Eponine:
Good, then it’s settled. ::she leaves::
Enjolras:
What just happened?
Grantaire:
I say ladylove just got tired of waiting and decided to beat you over the head
with a baseball bat.
Enjolras:
But, I didn’t agree to anything!
Grantaire:
Well you wouldn’t go back on your word, would you?
Enjolras:
I never gave my word.
Grantaire:
A gentleman would never-
Enjolras:
Oh, that’s low, preying on my sense of decency.
Grantaire:
It worked didn’t it?
Enjolras:
I guess it did.
Grantaire:
It’s not so bad, she’s a pretty girl.
Enjolras:
Yes, that’s the problem, she’s a girl!
Grantaire:
Oh Enjolras, come on, even I’m getting a little sick of the chaste golden
statue.
Enjolras:
Well I never!
Grantaire:
Obviously…
Enjolras:
Well, that’s uncalled for.
Me:
Who wants to resume our acting?
Grantaire:
No one!
Me:
Okay, let the break continue!
Grantaire:
She’s in a really good mood.
::looks at me who is still dancing around with the tape::
Enjolras:
So Grantaire, how do I act like ::shudder:: Marius?
Grantaire:
Well, first you have to hit yourself on the head with a frying pan a few times-
Enjolras:
Well, that’s, um, interesting… but I’d rather not-
Marius:
Oh, believe me, you’d rather!
Me:
Ok, breaks over, but you can have another one real soon, I swear. I like breaks,
they are fun, and you sing! Yay!
Enjolras:
She’s insane…
Ok, Back to Fanfic, you're weird...
And here comes ‘Javert’
Your time is up
And your parole's begun
You know what that means
Wow, it’s kind of nice to be on the oppressing side of Javert for once, as long as it’s not real of course…
It means you get
Your yellow ticket-of-leave
You are a thief
I broke a window pane!
My sister's child was close to death
And we were starving!
Unless you learn the meaning of the law.
A slave of the law
The rest because you tried to run
Yes 24601
Do not forget my name
Do not forget me
24601
................................Not going to happen.
Really far down…
And very small…
But in there…
Somewhere…
Or feel the weight of my rod
We're law-abiding people here
Thanks be to God.
Took my flight!
Oh, so you stole silver too? Add that to your list of indiscretions Valjean.
...You maintain he made a present of this silver--
But my friend you left so early
Surely something slipped your mind
Would you leave the best behind?
So Messieurs you may release him
For this man has spoken true…
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean Wait, this sounds familiar, oh yes, it’s my soliloquy, THIEF!
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!
Tell me quickly what's the story
Who saw what and why and where
Let him give a full description
Let him answer to Javert!
In this nest of whores and vipers
Let one speak who saw it all
Who laid hands on this good man here?
What's the substance of this brawl?
When you make a full report
You may rest assured, M'sieur,
That she will answer to the court.
We see each other plain
'M'sieur le Mayor',
You'll wear a different chain.
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede, None, but you? That seems pretty self-inflated to me...
In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.
Then I'll return, I pledge my word.
Then I'll return...
I've hunted you across the years
A man like you can never change
A man... such as you...
There is a duty that I'm sworn to do
You know nothing of my life
All I did was steal some bread
You know nothing of the world I know everything of the world Valjean!
You would rather see me dead
But not before I see this justice done You call that justice? Ha! I’ll show you justice!
I am warning you Javert
I'm a stronger man by far I doubt that…
There is power in me yet
My race is not yet run What does that even mean?
I am warning you Javert
There is nothing I won't dare
If I have to kill you here Threatening a police inspector? Jail!
I'll do what must be done!
Men like you can never change
No, 24601,
My duty's to the law
You have no rights
Come with me 24601
Now the wheel has turned around
Oh, is that what you said? I could never understand you, you don’t enunciate well.
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Dare you talk to me of crime
And the price you had to pay
Every man is born in sin
Every man must choose his way
You know nothing of Javert
I was born inside a jail Really now?
I was born with scum like you Well that’s interesting…
I am from the gutter too! I’m not even from the gutter, but whatever…
…I swear to you, I will be there!
Strangely quiet,
But now the storm
Simply rests to strike again
Standing, waiting I think of her,
I think of her
She leaves the room,
Yet remains, she lingers on,
Something stirs me to think of her,
I think of her
All night we hear her sighs,
And now a girl has come who has her eyes,
She has her eyes,
The girl has Lily’s hazel eyes
Those eyes that saw him happy long ago,
Those eyes that gave him life and hope he’d never known,
How can he see the girl and miss those hazel eyes?
The girl has Lily’s hazel eyes,
Those eyes that closed and left me all alone,
Those eyes I feel will never ever let me go,
How can I see this girl who has her hazel eyes?
This house seemed to be
And I her bravest knight became
My lady fair was she.
She has my Lily’s hazel eyes
Those eyes that loved my brother never me
Those eyes that never saw me
Never knew I longed to hold her close
To live at last in Lily’s eyes.
She’d turn and see me standing there
Javert:
She has her eyes
She has Lily's hazel eyes
How can
I now forget
That once I dared
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes!
Enjolras:
She has her eyes
My Lily's hazel eyes
Those eyes that saw me
Happy long ago
How can
I now forget
That once I dared to be in love
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes!
Or maybe her medication has just kicked in…
