The cast of Les Misérables is assembled on a set, looking really, REALLY unhappy.
Valjean:
(Indignant) Hey, you’re not the one who usually makes us do these stupid things.
Javert:
::crossing his arms over his chest:: Great, now we have a copycat bossing us around.
Me:
Just be quiet and get in your costume ::thrusts large puffy dress at Javert::
Javert:
(looking at the costume in horror) I am not being the Enchantress!
Me:
Don’t worry Javvy, it’s only for the very first scene. And then you get a much better costume.
Javert:
I refuse to-(glares at Valjean who is trying, without luck, to hold in his laugh) wear this!
Me:
You have to, otherwise we will just sit here all day waiting for you. Just get it over with!
Javert:
(glaring daggers) This is not over. ::He puts the dress over his head, leaving on all his other clothing, even his wonderful hat and coat::
Me:
Here’s your enchanted rose and your magic wand
Javert scowls at them and throws the wand over his shoulder, replacing it with his nightstick and brandishing it like a weapon, and all the while smiling threateningly.
< p>
Me:
Stop that, you're frightening the children (Gavroche just roles his eyes) Anyway, for the role of the young prince, well, I kind of changed the story a little. ::Eponine emerges in a beautiful gown, looking very pretty::
Cosette notices Marius noticing Eponine, who also notices Marius noticing her and smiles. Eponine then notices Cosette noticing this and elbowing Marius
Me:
And here is our young Princess now.
Marius:
(who naturally thought he was going to be the young prince who gets the girl in
the end) I thought it was supposed to be a handsome Prince, not a beautiful
princess ::Cosette again elbows him, he smiles sheepishly at her::
Me: Not in this play.
Music starts, the narrator’s voice comes on to start the story.
Narrator: Once upon a time in a faraway land a young prince-
Me: Wait! Change that to princess,
remember, Eponine’s a girl and the Enchantress is, I guess an Enchanter…
Narrator: …a young princess lived
in a shining castle.
::Enter Eponine::
Although she had everything
Javert is suddenly lifted up on his harness ‘flying’ as an enchantress should. Or more like hanging wildly
and trying to hold onto the strings holding him up.
Javert:
(teetering wildly and out of control) What the devil?!
Me:
Calm down it’s perfectly safe! ::Javert
calms down a bit and tries to act out his part, ending up fairly poking Eponine
with his ‘magic wand’/night stick::
beautiful enchanter
Eponine:
There is so! I have a heart full of love! ::much groaning::
As punishment
Eponine:
Hideous? Oh, this doesn’t seem fair!
-beast and placed a powerful spell
upon the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of
Me: Okay, come on, next scene! ::curtain
opens to a scene of a little town.::
Grantaire:
(to the other Amis, all as townspeople) Well, we all know who is going to play
the handsome, dashing Gaston. ::laughter::
Enjolras:
(From Backstage) NO!!! I will not, I refuse to-
Me:
Just get onstage, you’re lucky I didn’t make you wear the blue dress!
Enjolras is pushed onstage, in a
costume similar to his everyday wear, except, sadly, no vest
Enjolras:
Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?
Me:
Calm down, you’re still a man, deal with it.
Grantaire:
(barely suppressing laughter) She’s-He’s, Enjolras is Belle! ::unable to
hold back any longer, he burst out laughing, along with the other amis.
Enjolras’s icy glare only silences them for a moment before they burst out
laughing again.::
Me: Sing!
Enjolras:
This is not over yet!!!
Me: Sing the right lines!!!
Enjolras:
But look at them! Every day like the one before? I mean, they are oppressed! ::
the Amis are starting to rally:: They just live every day the same, these
little people, we must liberate them! ::The students were beginning to shout
as well:: We must-
Me: Yes, cut the fat ones down to
size, whatever, it’s a play, calm down and sing the lines!
Enjolras:
(Irritated, just as he was getting the students rallied…)
Bossuet:
Bonjour!
Feuilly:
Bonjour!
Jehan:
Bonjour!
Courfeyrac:
Bonjour!
Grantaire:
Hello!
Me: Wait! Stop! Cut! Grantaire!
You’re French! It’s Bonjour!
Grantaire:
Why is most of the play in English and then they put in a few French words? That
isn’t fair, it’s not my fault!
Me: Okay, fine, just do it over
again!
Bossuet:
Bonjour!
Feuilly:
Bonjour!
Jehan:
Bonjour!
Courfeyrac:
Bonjour!
Grantaire:
::students hold breath:: Bonjour! ::All breathe sigh of
relief::
Enjolras:
There goes the baker with his tray like always
Me: Stop being a revolutionary and
start being an inventor’s daughter ::my turn to receive the icy glare::
I mean son
Enjolras:
There goes the baker with his tray like always
Combeferre
(as Baker): Good morning Belle
Enjolras:
Wait, is my name really Belle? That’s a girl’s name!
Me: Well, if we change it, then it
won’t rhyme
Enjolras:
But I am not a girl!!!
Me: Oh believe me I know that, but it must rhyme
Enjolras:
Fine, let’s just get this over with
Fast Forward
::Cosette shoots a gun into the
air and Marius runs around trying to catch the falling bird::
Marius:
Wait! If Gaston is a girl, shouldn’t LeFou be one as well?
Me: But LeFou is like Gaston’s
lackey, who would do anything for him…
Marius:
Are you implying something Madame? And I know that I don’t like the idea of my
Cosette lusting after Enjolras!
Enjolras:
Oh, grow up Marius! I turn her down ::Cosette looks slightly saddened at this
and Marius become huffy::
Marius:
Cosette!
Cosette:
What?
Marius:
Don’t look so upset!
Cosette:
I’m not!
Me: Let’s get on with this people!
Cosette:
Right from the moment when I met him, saw him
Enjolras:
(under his breath) I HATE that name!!!
Grantaire:
Can we have a break? I need something to tide me over and get me through this
torture!
Me: We’ve done one song!
Valjean:
(who has yet to come into the scenes) And the narration too!
Me: Fine, five minutes. FIVE, no
more!
Two minutes later
Enjolras:
Give me the wine, I am not going to be able to get through to this without it ::The
amis watch with breathless anticipation, waiting to see if Enjolras would take
a large swig right from the bottle as Grantaire always did. Enjolras raises the
bottle near his lip but instead of taking a gulp he simply sniffs the wine. His
nose wrinkles but he poured himself a small cup of the wine anyhow. The amis
groan with disappointment, he had been so close!::
Exactly three minutes after that
Me: (feeling like a slave driver, or
worse, Javert) All right, back to work! Okay, now onto No Matter What
Javert:
I’ve never heard of that song
Me: It’s only in the musical not
the movie, now be quiet.
Enjolras:
(looking at script) I do not want to call this man ::points to Valjean::
(speaking in a girlish voice)‘papa’. You know how much I dislike my parents,
and, since I’m a male, shouldn’t I have a mother?
Me: There are a lot more men than
women! I guess I could use Fantine…
Cosette:
But then I would be trying to have my mother sent to the insane asylum!
Grantaire:
Great, give away the plot
Marius:
(warning) Grantaire…
Grantaire:
Come on Marius, stop playing the husband for once, you are playing LeFou. ::Grantaire
smiled slightly at his own joke. Enjolras also caught this and smiled, which caused Grantaire to smile all the
more.::
Me:
Okay, fine Valjean play Maurice and Enjolras, get over it!
Enjolras:
(grumbling) Papa, do you think I’m odd? ::The Amis burst out
laughing, Enjolras continues to play his part, though he looks very angry::
Valjean:
Well, I’m not odd nor you
Fast forward
Enjolras:
That was one of the stupidest songs I have ever had the privilege to be forced
to sing
Me: It’s supposed to be a very
touching song about the love of a father and daughter ::Cosette smiles at Valjean::
Enjolras:
That’s all well and good except for the fact that I am a man
Eponine:
(who is watching from backstage) Well, obviously ::Marius looks slightly
miffed, but just slightly of course::
Enjolras:
(looking a little surprised) Well, as long as we have that clear…
Me: Okay, come on Valjean get on your
little wood cutting machine and into the enchanted forest you go.
‘Maurice’ drives his wood cutting machine to the fair but gets lost and is attacked by wolves. He finds refuge in a dark castle
Valjean:
Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here?
Javert:
(from backstage) This is beyond ridiculous! Almost as bad as the enchantress! ::Grantaire’s
laughter can be heard from backstage:: Oh be quiet, your costume is no
better than mine!
Me:
Come on, it’s the perfect character for you. The strict disciplinary who doesn’t want to go against the master…
Javert:
(Still Backstage) Well, all right ::He peers his head out and then slowly
walks out dressed as the clock, Cogsworth. No one can resist at least a little
laugh::
Grantaire:
::stumbling out as the Candle, Lumiere:: (with heavy French accent) Here
I am! ::The amis cheer him on and he takes a clumsy bow::
Me: Can we get on with this?
Valjean:
Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here?
Fast Forward
Valjean has been talked to by the magical candle and clock (who’s case he opens, much to Javert chagrin)
and is now sitting in the master’s chair.
Javert:
But the master’s chair!
Eponine:
(as the beast from offstage)
Who is that?!
Grantaire:
A traveler, he lost his way
The beast is angry and comes down to yell at Maurice
Enter Eponine dressed as beast
Eponine:
What are you doing in my chair?
Me:
Wait, stop, cut!!! Eponine, where is your costume?
Eponine:
(who is just dressed in her normal street clothes) The costume, well it is made
for a man… It didn’t fit at all, so I thought, why not just wear my regular
clothes?
Me:
But you are supposed to be a hideous beast!
Eponine:
Well, what do you want me to do?
Me: Oh, I don’t know! Fine, for now
you can play it as is. Just try to be scary or something.
Eponine:
Can do! What are you doing in my house…
The beast gets angry and throws Maurice in a cell. Meanwhile back in the ‘small provincial town’…
Me:
Come on Gaston, let’s go
Cosette:
Can I change that name? It is rather masculine sounding…
Enjolras:
If she changes her name I want a manly name!
Me:
But the rhyme scheme!!!
Enjolras:
Fine, let’s get this over with…
Javert:
I’ve never heard of this song either…
Me:
Javert…
Javert:
I’m just saying, maybe you should stick with the popular songs
Me:
But it’s good and funny!
Javert:
Fine you’re the director…
Cosette:
You’ve been dreaming
Enjolras:
Okay, stop, I have never, EVER, wanted to be a wife
Me:
But the rhymes, life doesn’t rhyme with husband, and then its two syllables,
and-
Cosette:
And the next line-‘he-man’s property’ I am
not a he-man!!!
Marius:
(comforting) Of course not honey, you are very ladylike
Me:
Maybe I should have thought this out better, changing all the words, and the
costumes not fitting…I guess we should just start over with the correct
people, Enjolras, you’re Gaston and Cosette, you’re-
Grantaire:
My ears are burning
The amis laugh::
Courfeyrac:
He’s also supposed to be the handsomest man in town ::now
it’s Grantaire’s turn to look miffed::
Grantaire:
You people are so vain!
Eponine:
And then I am going to have to be a bimbette, I am not a silly girl who lusts
after a guy ::people look at her with doubt:: Well, it’s usually not
him!
Enjolras:
Excuse me, just because I am not Marius doesn’t mean that-
Eponine:
Be quiet!
Enjolras:
Oh, he’s not stupid Eponine!
Eponine:
Still!!!
Enjolras:
Fine, but I don’t want you to lust after me anymore than you want to do it!
Grantaire:
One would think you would be used to it by now
Enjolras:
Grantaire…
Grantaire:
Excuse me!
Me: Oh, my head…
Enjolras:
Can we get on with this?
Me: Here are some new lines, I wrote
them while you argued so they are very bad, but just sing them
Cosette:
You’ve been dreaming
Enjolras:
This is ridiculous
Will you be some she-woman’s property?
Good news, that she-woman’s me
Fast Forward
Cosette:
I can see that we will share
Marius:
Cosette!
Cosette:
It’s in the script Marius!
Enjolras:
(exasperated) Marius…
Marius:
Don’t start with me you home wrecker!
Cosette:
Marius, you’re being silly
Marius:
I am not, I see the way you look at him!
Cosette:
Marius!
Marius:
Cosette!
Cosette:
Marius!
Marius:
Cosette!
Cosette:
Marius!
Marius:
Cos-
Me: Fast forward!!!
Meanwhile Belle has gone into the forest looking for his father. He comes to the castle and finds his father
locked up by the hideous (or not so hideous in this case) beast. Belle trades himself for his father. He is now sitting in his room.
Enjolras:
Yes I made the choice
Me: Enjolras!
Enjolras:
::grumble, grumble::
Eponine:
Pardon moi?
Enjolras:
Sorry, sorry, it's in the song!
Eponine:
(with tears in her eyes, just like everyone else) That was wonderful!
Me: They should have given you more
solos in the musical
Enjolras:
(never one to take a compliment) Can we just get on with this?
Meanwhile, back in town, Gaston is feeling bad about Belle rejecting her.
Cosette:
Wait, I just realized something. I die in the end!!!
Grantaire:
Well, now that we know the ending…
Marius:
(to Cosette) Don’t worry darling, it’s not real (to Grantaire) Everyone
already knew the ending anyway!
Grantaire:
Whatever…
Me: Can we do this? Where is LeFou?
Marius:
(reluctantly) I’m right here. Where is this, a bar of some sort?
Me: Yep
Grantaire:
Oh darn, and me in a haunted castle, this is unfair!
Marius:
Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston
Fast forward
Cosette:
LeFou I’m afraid I’ve been thinking ::scattered laughter::
Marius:
A dangerous pastime ::Even more laughter::
Cosette:
I know ::Everyone is now laughing::
What? What is it? Why are you
laughing?
Enjolras:
(trying to hold it together) What? We’re not laughing, (placing hand over
heart) we swear. ::This leads to even more laughter::
Marius:
Come on now, what is so funny?
Grantaire:
nothing, we are all just thinking of a joke, um, Javert told us.
Cosette:
Well now I know you’re lying!
Javert:
Hey! I could make a joke (clears throat) Once there was a woman who had lost her
dog, whose name was Tiz. And she couldn’t find the dog, so she stood on the corner and tried to call
the dog. Well, I saw her and I arrested her for prostitution. And what else was
I supposed to do? She was standing on a street corner yelling ‘HereTiz,
HereTiz (here it is, here it is) ::Though the joke was not particularly
funny, just the absurdity of it coming out of Javert’s mouth made everyone
burst out laughing again::
Cosette:
I don’t get it
Grantaire:
What a surprise…
Marius:
Grantaire, I’ve warned you
Eponine:
Lighten up Marius
Enjolras:
I know, really! (realizing he had lost his composure for a second) I mean, can
we get on with this!
Fast forward
Me:
Come on Eponine, let’s get to your song. Now I know it’s a little deep for you, but just go for it
Eponine:
How long must this go on
Enjolras:
That was so sad. I mean, good job Eponine
Eponine:
Thanks Enjy
Enjolras:
Don’t call me that
Eponine:
Why not?
Enjolras:
That’s not my name!
Eponine:
But people call me Ponine, can’t I shorten your name a bit?
Enjolras:
It sounds like a dogs name!
Eponine:
No, that would be Benji, Enjy is so much better!!
Enjolras:
But-
Eponine:
Oh, come on! There is no revolution to be fought, we’re doing a musical for
goodness sakes! Please, just chill out for a little while?
Enjolras:
But-
Eponine:
No, it’s settled, you are going to stop being so uptight
Enjolras:
I am not uptight!
Eponine:
Come on Enjy, don’t lie!
Enjolras:
Well, I’m not VERY uptight!
Eponine:
Of course not. And I think being a little uptight is kind of cute…
Enjolras:
I have never been in such an asinine conversation!
Eponine:
I know, aren’t they fun?
Enjolras:
Can we get on with this?
Eponine:
Fine,
Enjy ::she flutters her eyelashes::
Enjolras:
Oh my… ::Eponine laughs at him and his lack of comfort::
Me: Sorry to break up the love fest
but the next song is a real production, I need everyone in his or her costumes.
Grantaire:
Can we have another break?
Me: After the next song!
Meanwhile Belle has left the confines of his room and is exploring the castle,
hungry since he refused to eat dinner with the beast. He finds the kitchen and the
servants decide to feed him.
Grantaire:
Mon cher Monsieur it is with deepest pride
Enjolras: Now that is some buildup.
Grantaire:
Be our guest!
Enjolras: Who are you calling 'cherie'?
And we provide the rest
Gavroche: (From backstage) NO! I
will not, I refuse to! I have a reputation to uphold! ::he is pushed onstage
anyway, as a teacup::
(reluctantly and without enthusiasm) It's delicious I wanted to be the beast!!!
::kicks his foot at something imaginary::
Grantaire:
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes
Fantine: Did I miss something? Because I know that when I was in France,
and still living, I never saw a dish-
And a dinner here is never second best
Grantaire
and Les Amis:Beef ragout
Combeferre I was just thinking about how completely mortifying t is to be dressed up as a cheese grater
Bossuet: I was thinking the same thing! Except, you know, as salt.
Joly: At least you're not-ahchoo-pepper!
Grantaire
and Les Amis:Be our guest!
Enjolras: Now that is just disturbing!
Grantaire and Les Amis: What an entertaining meal!
Grantaire:
Be our guest!
Les Amis: Be our guest!
Les Amis:
Be our guest
While the candlelight's still
glowing
Enjolras:
Well that was entertaining…
Eponine:
Come on Enjy, you promised!
Enjolras:
I promised no such thing, and please, can’t you call me Enjolras?
Eponine:
But it’s so much more fun to call you Enjy!
Enjolras:
Well let’s get on with this…
Me:
Well, Enjolras, now you go exploring, but you go into the West Wing, where the enchanted rose is kept-
Enjolras:
But I would never spy where I am not wanted ::shoots withering glance at
Javert::
Javert:
I thought we were over that little spat!
Enjolras:
Fine, as you were saying…
Me: Okay, and the beast finds you and
roars and yells and scares you and you run out of the castle.
Enjolras:
But that would mean breaking a promise. And I don’t think Eponine could really
scare me all that much ::Eponine comes up behind him and gives him a quick
kiss. Enjolras is stunned::
Me: Perfect! That look of
astonishment and fear is exactly what I want! Okay, now Eponine is very sad that
she scared Enjy away
Enjolras:
Now don’t you start!
Eponine:
And in my twisted face
Hopeless No
beauty could move me
Long ago I should have seen
No pain could be deeper
Enjolras:
Once again Eponine, a stellar performance, simply amazing
Eponine:
(smiling) Thank you, but all of the songs are so sad…
Enjolras:
Don’t worry ::He smiles at her and she swoons
a teeny bit::
Me: Okay People, 15-minute break!
Grantaire:
Huzzah!
Enjolras and Eponine:
Finally!
Javert:
You’re like the Olsen twins
Enjolras:
What?
Javert:
Nothing…
Grantaire:
I need a drink
Enjolras:
When don’t you? ::Grantaire’s only answer is to take a gulp of wine::
Valjean:
I can’t believe we are only halfway through with this thing
Javert:
You can say that again
Marius:
I can’t believe we are only halfway through this thing ::Javert just
scowls::
Now Grantaire, I would appreciate
it if you would stop mocking my wife
Grantaire:
Is that a threat?
Marius:
Well, of course not. I would just appreciate it is all.
Grantaire:
Whatever you say…
Is
this home? No! Well then bring me there!
his her heart desired the princess
was spoiled, selfish and unkind. But then one winter’s night an old beggar woman
came to the castle and offered him her a single rose in return for
shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her his haggard
appearance the princess sneered at the gift and turned the old woman
away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances for beauty is
found within. When she dismissed her him again the old woman’s
ugliness melted away to reveal a
ess.
The princess tried to apologize but it was too late for she had
seen that there was no love in his her heart.
she transformed him her into a hideous-
his her
monstrous form the beast concealed herself inside his her
castle with a magic mirror as his her only mirror to the outside
world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would
bloom for many years. If she could learn to love another and earn their
love in return by the time the last petal fell then the spell would be broken.
If not she would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years
passed she fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn
to love a beast?
Little town,
it’s a quiet village
The poor oppressed just like before
Little town full of great injustice
They-
Little town,
it’s a quiet village
Every day like the one before
Little town full of little people ::Gavroche begins to hum Little People::
Waking up to say…
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Same? As in the exact same rolls,
wouldn’t they be very stale? The oppression!
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the morning that we came
To this poor provincial town
I said he’s gorgeous(miffed Marius) and I fell
Here in town there’s only he
who’s as beautiful as me (a very miffed Marius)
So I’m making plans to woo and marry Belle
No family could be saner
Except one uncle who-well maybe let that pass
In all you say and do
You couldn’t make it plainer
You are your mother’s daughter
::Enjolras clears his throat, Amis laughing:: Sorry,
You are your mother’s son
Therefore you are class
Gaston goes to Belle’s house…
Just one dream
Nearly all your life
Hoping, scheming
Just one theme
Will you be a wife?
Just one dream
Since
your life began
Hoping, scheming
Just one theme
Are you a husband?
All that love implies
We shall be the perfect pair
Rather like my thighs!
For papa I will stay
But I don’t deserve to lose my freedom in this way
Exactly, we must fight for freedom!!! Not just from scary beasts but from opressive tyrants! We-
You monster
And if you think that what you’ve done is right, well then
You’re a fool
Think again...
...Oh but then
As my life has been altered once
It can change again
Build higher walls around me
Change every lock and key
Nothing lasts
Nothing holds
All of me
My hearts far, far away
Home and free
Looking so down in the dumps
Every girl here’d like to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
This cruel trick of fate
I simply made one careless, wrong decision
And then that witch was gone
And left me in this state
An object of revulsion and derision ::Cosette giggles, Eponine glares at her::
Hated
Is there no one
Who can show me
How to win the world’s forgiveness?
and greatest pleasure that we
welcome you tonight.
And now we invite you to relax,
let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly
presents - your dinner!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the gray stuff
They can sing
They can dance
After all, Sir, this is France
Go on, unfold your menu
Take a glance and then you'll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest
Cheese soufflé
Pie and pudding 'en flambé'
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Get your worries off your chest
Let us say for your entree
We've an array; may we suggest:
Try the bread! Try the soup!
When the croutons loop de loop
It's a treat for any diner
Don't believe me? Ask the china
Singing pork! Dancing veal!
How could anyone be gloomy and depressed? He could be!
We'll make you shout 'encore!'
And send us out for more
So, be our guest!
Be our guest
Our command is your request
It's been years since we've had anybody here
And we're obsessed
With your meal
With your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
Let us help you
We'll keep going
Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, 'Enough! I'm done!'
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love him
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved him and made him love me too
If I can't love him, then who?
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore, if I can't love him
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
How I could have loved him and that he'd set me free
But it's not to be
If I can't love him
Let the world be done with me.
Comments? Criticism?
I'm all ears!
Fast forward to Part 2
