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"Simian Power-Leveling (Part Two)" (Editor's Note: If you have not already read the first part of this article, do so now. It is mandatory that you have all the facts straight, before trying to comprehend the bad-ass-nitude of this experiment. If not, you run the risk of spontaneously combusting, or something.) Welcome back again, fellow maniacal science maniacs of scientology! Last week I left you with a list of the necessary steps to follow up on my glorious experiment. They were: get a copy of EverQuest, activate a new account, and locate a monkey for use as a test subject. I myself already had an EverQuest account up and running, and I see no real reason to dwell upon the specifics of how I obtained my monkey. Let us just say that it involved a crowbar, three gallons of Mountain Dew, and a vast assortment of internet porn. To help ease the monkey out of his tedious life as a professional monkey, and into the equally tedious, much more painful life of a test subject, I decided to give him one of those cute little names, like the ones they use on Animal Planet. It came down to either "Furious George", or "Experimental Chimpanzee # 235.01". Since I'm fairly sure that some asshole somewhere decided to copyright "Furious George", I decided to go with the second choice. At first, Experimental Chimpanzee # 235.01 was uncooperative to say the least. However, by speaking to him in hushed tones, and constantly bludgeoning him with an old brick I had laying around, he soon settled into his new surroundings. I began simply enough, by helping him grow accustomed to the computer keyboard, and the shortcuts he could use to maximize his EQ playing efficiency, in particular. The better suited he was to the game controls, the more ph4t l00t he could attain for me. Soon after that, I felt that Experimental Chimpanzee # 235.01 was ready for his first practice run, that being the brief tutorial program that comes packaged with EverQuest. Long story short, it took him a few tries before he stopped fucking up, but that was nothing the old "repeatedly club him in the head with a brick" technique couldn't solve. At this point, he was officially ready to enter the world of EverQuest. His excitement was obvious as he heard the EverQuest theme music for the first time. Needless to say, I had to administer some more brick-oriented discipline before he got out of hand. He then proceeded to choose from a list of servers to play on. Here we ran into our first hurdle, though. Experimental Chimpanzee # 235.01 could not seem to come up with a name for his character. In my infinite wit and wisdom, I suggested the name "Givemebananas". Get it? "Givemebananas"... because he is a monkey, and monkeys are fond of bananas. LOLOLOL!!! I am too funny for my own good. Moving on... Since he had already mastered the mechanics of gameplay from his pracitice sessions with the tutorial, the last thing left was for him to learn how to communicate with the hundreds of other players he shared this particular server with. It's common knowledge among EverQuest geeks, that little acronym things are much quicker to type than full fledged sentences. Also, most EverQuest geeks are barely-literate teenagers who couldn't produce a single typo free phrase to save their fucking lives. In light of this, I have taken it upon myself to offer the monkey a bit of assistance, by compiling a list of the three most important phrases an EQ player must know. They are:
For those of you who have lives, and don't play EverQuest, the acronyms above translate into the following:
With this bit of information made available to him, Experimental Chimpanzee # 235.01 was ready to begin interacting with his fellow EverQuest players. In fact, it wasn't long before he was deep in conversation with a young wizard named Wilisk. Unfortunately, things took a dramatic turn for the worst here. However, for the sake of science, and maybe some laughter, I kept a log of the conversation.
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