"Simian Power-Leveling (Part One)"
More Inept Writing From Jasie
June 30th, 2002

For centuries, man has been plagued by that which he does not know. Is there a god? If there is a god, what's his favorite Skittles flavor? And why does it take so long to get anywhere good in EverQuest? These are perhaps the most commonly raised questions, among both philosophical geniuses, and internet geeks alike. And maybe they're not. I don't know.

However, one thing I do know, is that it does indeed take a long damn time for me to reach the ultimate level of bad-ass-nitude in Verant Interactive's online nerd addiction that we refer to as EverQuest. For some people I've met, the game presents no real challenge when it comes to gaining levels with their characters, yet I've only gotten past 20 once, in three years. This sad state of affairs has left me trailing behind everyone I know in game, but not for much longer, for I seek to answer the ultimate question: Can you train a monkey to play EverQuest?

Before proceeding with this experiment, I needed to gather a few necessary components. For anyone else willing to follow up on my research, simply complete in order the steps I list below.

• Step One: A copy of EverQuest is mandatory. This can be obtained by getting off your AOL addicted ass and going out in public to buy it from your local nerd store. Remain calm when taking your first steps into the real world. People will not harass you, as long as you avoid eye contact at all costs.

• Step Two: Activate a new EverQuest account. Some of you underaged n00bs will have a bit of difficulty with this, since it typically requires a credit card. If this applies to you, stop reading right now, and go beg your mommy to use hers. Oh, and go to hell while you're at it.

• Step Three: Get a monkey from your local Zoo. Perhaps the most daunting task of all, this final step is where there's no turning back. Either through theft, or legal transaction, you must have a monkey for this experiment to work. I could also say that a retarded child may work in place of said monkey, but that would be politically incorrect.

With the above steps completed, we are now free to move on with our experiment. Of course, every experiment must have one of those formula thingies to make it appear extra scientific, so here's what I came up with:

And that is as far as our experiment will go today. We must take a steady, methodical pace, because Science is a delicate thing, and cannot be rushed. That, and I'm starting to run out of t3h funn3y sTuff. Fear not though, for I shall continue my research in a future update. Until then, go to hell. KTHXBYE.