Liquid Fluff: More Jasie Than You Deserve


It has come to my attention in no certain way that you people love me. In fact, I believe I'm actually held in regard as some sort of deity among the few South American pygmie tribes that have access to the internet. You know, the ones that kill tourists and then harvest their organs to sell on eBay. Yeah, those guys. Anyway, since I spend a good portion of my day mocking all of you silly, spastic rejects, and you still read this website, I figure it's only fair for me to ramble on about myself. What sort of twisted, semi-retarded logic brought me to that conclusion is beyond my comprehension. I think what I'm trying to say is: Just shut up and read about me. So without further delay, I present to you...

(Nonsensical Biography)

Deep within the merciless, wintry wasteland of Wisconsin, the great internet scholar who would eventually come to be known as "Jasie" was born in a log cabin that he singlehandedly built himself. Those early years are little more than a blur, occasionally broken up by fuzzy memories of playing Nintendo games and eating sand. Living beside power lines during his childhood not only warped his fragile young mind, but also endowed him with super human strength, a razor sharp intellect, unbelievable sexual prowess, and a penchant for ruthless, often hateful, sarcasm. The details of his youth, prior to being introduced to the internet, are of little interest to the common reader, so they will not be elaborated upon here. Suffice it to say, he did his fair share of alligator wrestling, carnival barkering, and other, typically felonious, acts.

Upon entering into high school, Jasie's latent sarcastic abilities began to stir. Often times, he would find it necessary to point out the handicaps, misfortunes, and mistakes of others, much to the embarassment of his friends and family. On more than a few occasions, he was forced to physically defend himself from people whom he had riled with his witty commentary. More specifically, he would take a severe beating from the aggressors in question, wait a few weeks so that they would lower their guard, and then, under cover of darkness, decorate their house with gasoline-soaked toilet paper, before setting it ablaze. Life was good.

All good things must come to an end though, and, against his will, Jasie somehow managed to graduate from high school. So, he did like all other red-blooded American boys do, and gained employment at a second-rate nursing home, where he earned just above minimum wage. Subsisting primarily on Ramen noodles and Mountain Dew, Jasie managed to forget about his rather plain existence with extended play sessions of EverQuest, and a lot of masturbation. Still, Jasie eventually grew bored with his new station in life. He simply felt that he was not making enough people miserable via his insults, use of foul language, and general unfriendliness.

Something happened then, that changed Jasie's life: He learned enough HTML to fashion a crudely designed website, wherein he could freely mock all races, genders, and creeds, with equality. From that day forward, Jasie spent every waking moment of his life writing up various articles and editorials, alongside the occasional game or movie review, all in an effort to piss people off. Except for last month, in which he forsook his website tomfoolery in exchange for day-time television and Teddy Grahams.

Oh, yeah, and he met a beautiful woman who somehow managed to tolerate his bizarre nature (possibly because of his aforementioned sexual prowess), fell in love, and moved down to Oklahoma to be with her. The end.

- - -

(Assorted Collections)

Some people collect stamps. Some people collect dead bugs. Even more people collect dead bugs that have been stamped with pornographic imagery so tiny, that it can only be viewed with a microscope. I, however, collect far more mundane things, like DVDs and video games for various platforms. Oh, and if by chance any of you happen to stumble across one of those fancy pants "porno-bugs", I might be willing to take it off your hands for a reasonable price.

"Jasie's DVD Collection"

"Jasie's PSX Collection"

"Jasie's PC Collection"

This incredible work of nonfiction is far from complete, but I'm too lazy to finish it today. Regardless, if you loved reading it as much as I would despise reading anything that you write, feel free to mail me an envelope stuffed with cash. I might even say "thank you". Or maybe not.