Saturday, September 28th, 2002
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Five updates for five consecutive days is my all time highest record. Ever. Anyway...

This morning I tore through the next 7 missions of Devil May Cry. I also had the chance to play around with the new PS2 games Onimusha 2: Samurai's Destiny and Tekken 4 this evening. Fucking awesome. Both of them. I suggest that you run out and buy them right this instant. Or, better still, send me fairly decent sums of money, so that I may purchase them for myself. And while you're in such a generous mood, I would be willing to accept a few bottles of Smirnoff Ice, some "medicinal" marijuana, and one of those king-sized bags of Skittles that are all the rage among stoners, and silly homeless folks who can't afford anything else to eat.

Friday, September 27th, 2002
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And the "Daily Update-a-thon Ultra Mega Hyper Extravaganza" continues. Minimal time for the PS2 today means I only progressed through 2 more missions in Devil May Cry. Also, I am thoroughly convinced that Jack Black is a god damn fucking idiot. For more pearls of wisdom such as the previous statement, feel free to check back here tomorrow.

Thursday, September 26th, 2002
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Welcome to day three of my "Daily Update-a-thon Ultra Mega Hyper Extravaganza". Unfortunately for you, I don't really have much to yap about this evening. As far as my progress in Devil May Cry is concerned, I made my way through the first 8 missions today. Having beaten it once before, when it first came out, (in under 5 hours, mind you) I'm confident I'll have it finished off this weekend. Hopefully, a review will follow soon after.

In other news, work sucks. See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
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Stumbling as I have lately, as far as drawing upon my ultra hilarious writing talents for the purpose of spewing out articles of utter humorosity, I've decided now would be a good time to start focusing on assorted movie and game reviews once again. These two sections are by far the most lacking on my site, and scratching out a few comments about a game is a hell of a lot easier then trying to make up a whole article of funny. With that said, this evening I procured a copy of Devil May Cry for the PS2, which I intend to beat once again, before thoroughly reviewing it. Lastly, I'm trying out a whole new scheme for this site. I'm going to make an attempt to update every day. That doesn't mean you can actually expect anything incredibly witty here, though, so don't get too excited.

Editor's Note: Don't bother pointing out all the run on sentences in this last update. I'm already well aware of them. And stop picking apart my grammar, you pricks.

Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
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Feel free to witness how truly pathetic this website has become. I've spent a good portion of the last week searching the news for non-Osama related articles, upon which to administer that special Liquid Fluff touch. It's a dark day for internet humorists everywhere, when this is the best I can come up with. May Jeebus have mercy on you all. You know, except for you vile Buddhists.

Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
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I'm still alive, so you can all relax. Expect updates soon.

Friday, September 13th, 2002
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Well, it seems that terrorist mastermind/professional boogeyman Osama bin Laden decided to allow our nation's most vehement patriots (read: gun-toting hicks), and bandwagon fucktards alike the opportunity to quietly celebrate the passing of thousands of WTC victims they didn't know, and wouldn't give a fuck about if they were still alive, via excessive displays of the colors red, white and blue. I suppose that's a good thing, but if he expects me to continue always remembering to never forget, I suggest he ramps up his shallow, short-term patriotism inducing activities immediately. Otherwise, for the sake of our nation's paper-thin cohesion, and even more flimsy attention span, we'll be forced to warmonger the hell out of another shitty country. That's right, Iraq. We're looking at you. But enough about stuff that means absolutely nothing to me.

Today I returned from my brief trip to Missouri. Rest assured that roving bands of Amish warlords still wander the tick infested country-side, slaughtering anyone who dares to suggest that the state provide more than three television channels and two radio stations to it's backwoods population... ever. Anyway, I don't feel like doing any real writing today, so you'll have to accept this humble work of art for the time being.

You could also go straight to hell, but I figured I'd be generous and offer you a choice. Check back in the next day or two, when I seriously will have something new up for your orgasm-inducing literary pleasure. Seriously.

Monday, September 9th, 2002
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Having way too much free time on my hands earlier today, I decided to take a trip to the local Den of the Unwashed Masses, also known as Walmart. The sad truth is, it's really the only place I know how to find in my city, because I live a pathetic, sheltered life. Anyway, I had just enough money to buy the collector's edition DVD of either Reservoir Dogs, or Pulp Fiction, both of which are excellent films. Those who know me are also quite aware of how indecisive I am, so I won't go into details about just how long I stood in that aisle, staring blankly at first one movie, then the other, before finally making a choice. Suffice to say, I was standing there for a long fucking time. In the end I went with Pulp Fiction, if for no other reason than to hear Samuel L. Jackson (who I've taken to calling "Samuel L. Action" because of his extreme bad-ass-nitude) and John Travolta (who I've taken to calling "John Travolta" because that's his name) discuss the difference between a foot massage and oral sex.

In other pointless news, I finished watching the entire third season of The Sopranos, I'm almost done writing my review of Jedi Knight II, and I'll be leaving town again for a few days. I think that pretty much sums things up as of late, so come back tomorrow. I really, really promise something of substance. But don't go getting your hopes up or anything. That would just be stupid.

Saturday, September 7th, 2002
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Quite similar to the way Jeebus rose from the dead on Hanukkah, or President's Day, or whatever holiday it was, I too have risen from the depths of laziness in order to resume pumping out ultra-humorous updates for a site that really isn't all that funny. In regards to the two of you who actually care, my trip to Oklahoma was excellent, and Jennifer was looking absolutely beautiful. The plane flights obviously didn't end with my gruesome death, which is a plus. However, I learned something rather disheartening on my trip. Being a cold, hate-filled, generally unfriendly master of internet sarcasm has apparently not improved my reputation among airport security officials the way I had hoped it would, because they deemed it necessary to check my dirty socks and carry on luggage for acid-soaked, explosive ninja throwing stars, on not one, but four occasions. The airport personnel in Memphis seemed particularly on edge as far as security was concerned, but that might've been because I was wearing a turban and reading the Koran. Maybe. Or maybe the people in Memphis are just pricks. I don't really know.

Anyway, catching up on the third season of The Sopranos (Editor's Note: Meadow Soprano is a slut), and playing around with my recently acquired copy of Onimusha: Warlords for PS2 has left me little time for the site. I'm making an attempt to remedy the situation though. So check back in the next few days, because I promise that I'll have something exceptionally hilarious* for you to read. You know, unless you're illiterate, in which case, go fuck yourself. Thanks for stopping by!

*May Not Be Exceptionally Hilarious.