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"Throwing Arkansas To The Lions" The small town of Quitman, Arkansas has recently fallen victim to an attack so ruthless, that it can only be the work of either the Al Qaeda terror network or Hagar the Horrible! Or perhaps it's just due to the ineptitude of Mr. Steve Henning, the town's official posterchild for staying in school, and not being a god damn fucking idiot. Regardless, the details are not important. What is important is that there's an invasionary strikeforce of lions on the loose, and they want to eat Arkansas! This whole sordid affair began roughly a week ago, when, under cover of night, four disgruntled African lions set into motion their long brewing plan to forcibly overthrow the local human population one city at a time, with the conquering of Arkansas in it's entirety as their ultimate goal. Thankfully for those of you who live anywhere that isn't where I live though, Johnny Vaughan, a local gun-toting redneck and NRA grand master flash wizard, was there to foil the devious schemes of the aforementioned Lions of Chaos. So after that, peace was restored to the quaint, hick-operated community of Quitman, right? Wrong, my anonymous, website reading friend. So very fucking wrong. The now very dead lions apparently originated from "Safari Unlimited", a local animal reserve run by Steve Henning, believes the majority of the community. Rumors also state that Mr. Henning has recently begun wearing a variety of fur coats everywhere he goes, and now refers to himself as the "Grand Supreme Exalted Lion King of Arkansas". When questioned by local law enforcement officials about the chance that the lions escaped his reserve, Henning had this to say: "You pathetic, bipedal fuckwits have no idea just how inferior you are to the lions. You will learn though. You will learn". Actually, he didn't say any of that. April fools. Undaunted by the bloody massacre of their brothers, the remaining twelve lions, thirty tigers, and lynx that live within the reserve are reportedly preparing to engage in what the locals have dubbed "The Second Wave". Meanwhile, the people of Quitman have begun stockpiling munitions and rations in preparation for what is sure to be a long, bitter standoff. "That's just how serious it is. It might be all right and it might not," proclaims Arvil Skinner, one of the locals, and winner of the "Liquid Fluff's Stupidest Fucking Name Of The Week" Award. Aside from being highly indecisive about the situation in his town, Arvil had nothing else of interest to say, other than the following. "People have to sit out with a high powered rifle just to let their kids play in the yard". If that quote hasn't soured you on ever visiting the obviously demented and well-armed south, consider this little known fact: THEY USED TO USE BLACK PEOPLE AS SLAVES. It seems that the 700 or so folks who populate Quitman, Arkansas have nothing but grim days ahead of them. Whether it's because of the nefarious machinations of Steve "Grand Supreme Exalted Lion King of Arkansas" Henning, or more likely, the Barney Fife-esque vigilance of the town Sheriff Dudley Lemon (yes, that's his real fucking name), matters not. All I know is, this is quite possibly the worst article I've ever written. And that's saying something.
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