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"The Redneckidemic" If there's one thing I hate, it's everything. But if there's two things I hate, it's everything and people. Especially goths and ravers. But especially god damn worthless, mildew smelling, flannel shirt wearing, trailer park residing, tobacco chewing rednecks. The depths of my hatred for them are like the depths of a really deep well. A well full of not awful tasting water or the occasional clumsy child, but of hatred! Now that's a lot of hatred. What has driven me to so vehemently despise this race of grotesque, slack jawed fucktards? Allow me to explain. For as long as there has been an America there have also been rednecks. In fact, the fictional scientists that exist within my mind all agree that rednecks actually predate the 1980's, so unlike the lame ass M.C. Hammer induced parachute pants phase that you morons went through, it's not just some fad that's going to go away. And don't bother questioning the credentials of the previously mentioned fictional scientists. One of them graduated from Yale, and the other one spends a lot of time trying to develop weapons to counter those damn psychic Russian wizards that are running secret military operations against our country. Or so he says. I actually think he's just masturbating when he locks himself in the bathroom and claims to be "working". Anyway... Whether you call them rednecks, hillbillies, or filthy fucking god damn worthless hicks, it all refers to the same vile race of demi-humans who populate trailer parks nation wide. For the blissfully unaware, I have put together a little information to help you better understand the danger you're in. Rednecks often travel in massive tribes comprised of legions of mobile homes and pink flamingo lawn decorations. Quite often, the members of each tribe are also related because they're fond of incest. Whenever a tribe settles a new area, within a week there will be tires strewn all over the region, and an invisible curtain of country music occasionally mixed with Lynryd Skynryd songs, hanging over the heads of the local non-redneck population. Once these signs become apparent, it's too late to do anything but kill yourself, or slip on a sweat soaked NASCAR t-shirt and join them. Satellite reconnaissance (read: a AAA map of the U.S. and some time spent with Photoshop) helped to reveal the current locations of all the major redneck tribes upon the continental United States. The results are both shocking, and strangely humorous. No, wait... "horrendous". Not "humorous". I'm always mixing those two up. Just shut up and consult the map below for details.
  However, as bad as things may have been before, the situation has only gotten worse with the passing of time. The redneck tribes have undergone a massive explosion in population growth, and are now breeding at an alarming rate. Not only that, but rednecks have attained a certain level of "cool" in our country, mainly due to that bastard Jerry Springer, who acts like a carnival barker at what could only be described as the worst fucking carnival since that one where kids were being ground up in the cotton candy machines, and served to other kids. Naturally, I'm referring to The Jerry Springer Show, and it's seemingly infinite supply of redneck guests. Oh, and I made that cotton candy thing up so stop crying about it. In order to save what's left of humanity from the filthy, oil-stained clutches of the redneckidemic (that's "redneck + epidemic" in case you're some kind of fucking idiot) we must put aside our differences and band together. It will take all of us working together in racial, philosophical, and religious harmony to keep that ornery son of a bitch Godzilla under control, since he's the only hope we have of pushing the rednecks back into the watery depths of whatever ocean they crawled out of. All kidding aside though, you damn Christians still aren't invited. We shall unleash the merciless wrath of Godzilla upon you next. You know, if he's up for it. KTHXBYE.
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