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Canadians - A Menace From The North When you're a refined journalist like me, you tend to have an excessive amount of free time on your hands. While many other "normal" people would go about spending this time on frivolous activities such as showering, having sex, having sex in the shower, and so on, I choose to invest my time in far more eccentric pursuits. More often than not, I can be found simply curled up in the corner of a room with all the lights off, while I contemplate just who might be out to get me on that particular day. And as disheartened as I am to admit it, I believe that today it is the god damn Canadians. In an effort to better research the baby seal clubbing enemies that exist upon the merciless frozen tundra to the north, I packed several suitcases with all the essentials (ski mask, compass, "medicinal" marijuana, and a box of Fruity Pebbles), and began a dangerous trek that would bring me directly into the blackened heart of what I've taken to spitefully calling "God Damn Communist Canada". Alright, that's a bit of a lie. I actually spent about five minutes looking for Canadian themed pictures on Google, then went about making up all kinds of bullshit to include in this article. That stuff about Canada being a communist stronghold preparing for the rebirth of Mother Russia is true though. Seriously... I read it in an old issue of National Geographic.
 Having never participated in a lone wolf military operation before, aside from playing Metal Gear Solid on Playstation during those nights when I should have been having hot shower sex instead, I felt that the task ahead of me was quite daunting. I could not let that sway me, however. I had to pull myself together! The entire population of the United States, and especially the thousands of gun-toting NRA hicks who dwell within it's southern regions, were relying on me to valiantly defend them from the maple syrup dripping talons of the Canadian Communist Regime! The first step in what was sure to be a long, arduous battle with those fucking northern barbarians appeared to be simple enough. I would need to decipher their chain of command, so that I could mail order one of those Pakistani kids that they wire with explosives, and send him to take out the devious Grand Canadian Mastermind, who I've dubbed "Chilly Willy". I call him this because when I was growing up, I hated that fucking cartoon penguin, and would have gladly given the life of an explosive Pakistani kid in order to see him dead. You know, much like how I feel about the Grand Canadian Mastermind. Not one to put my own sweet ass on the line for ungrateful fucks like you people, I decided to ditch the whole "lone wolf" operation thing, and instead enlist the unwilling assistance of an agent I could place deep within Canada's borders. I started off by asking my brother, since no one would cry if the Canadians caught him, and traded him on the Chinese black market, in exchange for more hockey sticks to fuel their secret communist schemes. Unfortunately for our nation though, he was rather busy slaying Generic Goblin Farmers +3 along with his fellow EverQuest drones, and was unable to offer any help. I was left with only two alternatives, and neither one brought me much hope. Either totally give up on this entire concept, or locate that skittish son of a bitch "Experimental Chimp # 235.01".
 That's right. This country needs you, little guy. I'm sorry about that whole "hitting you with a brick" phase that we went through. So, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please come back and assist me with my anti-Canadian plans. Please?
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