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THE BOOKWORMS
By
Rick Brown
LARRY: Hello.
CHARLIE: Oh, don't mind me. Excuse me. I'm talking with my mouth full.
LARRY: What do you have there?
CHARLIE: Well, I honestly don't know. It's not bad, really. I've been working on this book for awhile. What are you looking for?
LARRY: Oh, I just got here.
CHARLIE: You're
welcomed to join me. I started on page 13 and I've been working my way
through this book. Help yourself. There's plenty here.
LARRY: Oh, I can see that.
CHARLIE: Like
I said, this isn't bad. Excuse me for a minute. I've got to sit down. I
don't much care for those glossy ones. They leave a bad taste in my
mouth, if you know what I mean. Yep, I love books. I have some friends
who prefer newspapers or magazines but to be honest with you, I'd
rather have a book anyday.
LARRY: Is that right?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. How about yourself?
LARRY: I like books.
CHARLIE: That's great. Say, you look a little thin. Are you getting enough to eat?
LARRY: Why?
CHARLIE: Well,
I don't know. Just wondering. I mean, there are so many books
everywhere that there's no reason to be so thin. I mean, I don't want
to be nosey but you're not one of them are you?
LARRY: What do you mean?
CHARLIE: Well,
I'm sure you're not. No, I've heard of them. Between you and me, I
can't figure out that kind. What goes on upstairs, if you know what I
mean, eh? Pretty different if you ask me.
LARRY: Different in a good way?
CHARLIE: I don't think different in any way is good. Do you?
LARRY: Well, it depends on what you mean.
CHARLIE: Oh. When you said you liked books, exactly what did you mean?
LARRY: Well, I like books—of all kinds.
CHARLIE: And exactly what do you do with those books, friend?
LARRY: Pretty much what you do with them, I suppose.
CHARLIE: I eat books.
LARRY: Oh.
CHARLIE: Do you?
LARRY: Eat books?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
LARRY: Sometimes.
CHARLIE: And what do you do when you're not eating books, friend. Do you read them?
LARRY: What does read them mean?
CHARLIE: Whew.
That was close. For a minute there I was afraid you were one of those
bookworms who did more reading than eating. Can you believe those guys?
Worms who actually read! Not me. You wouldn't catch me dead reading.
Nope. I don't need to read. I need to eat. That's what books are for. I
can spend a week devouring a good book. Doesn't much matter what kind
of book you got, I'll eat it. Those whimpy worms who read instead of
eat think they're so smart.
LARRY: So you can't read at all?
CHARLIE: Let
me tell you something, I am proud of the fact that I can't read.
There's no reason to read these days. Reading is old school. Reading is
so last century. Reading is just something that will keep you down. If
you want to get ahead in this world, don't waste your time reading.
You've got your computers and television. I'm a computer game freak if
you know what I mean. Do you need to be able to read to blast
spaceships? Nope. You know, I'm not feeling so good.
LARRY: What's wrong?
CHARLIE: Oh,
I don't know. My stomache hurts and my head is spinning a little. Maybe
I just need a little more to eat. It just started when I got into this
book. I mean, the pages smell great and I could eat this stuff all day
long, but . . . oh, I feel a little sick.
LARRY: Are you coming down with something?
CHARLIE: I don't know.
LARRY: Well,
look at this. It says right here on the first page that this book is
treated with a special spay to, quote, eliminate all bookworms.
CHARLIE: Is that bad?
LARRY: Only
if you're a bookworm, which you are, and only if you've been eating
this book, which you have been. Yeah, I'd say it was bad.
CHARLIE: Hey,
wait a minute. You just read that notice in the front of this book. You
can read. You're a reading bookworm! You're one of them.
LARRY: I suppose I am. But you know what, I'm not going to join you while you eat this book.
CHARLIE: Why not?
LARRY: Do you even know what eliminate means?
CHARLIE: Look,
I already told you I don't read and I'm proud of the fact that I don't
read . . . ooo, I'm feeling sick . . . and I don't need to know any
fancy words like eliminate. I'm a book eating machine, a worm who eats
and eats and eats only one thing—books. Yum, yum, yummy. And I don't
need a pencil-necked geek such as yourself to stand there and look down
his nose and at me. Why, what does it mean?
LARRY: Eliminate
means to do away with. To kill! To destroy. You've been eating a
poisoned book. You're going to die because you can't read. Now, isn't
that stupid?
CHARLIE: I'm
going to die? I'm just a little sick, that's all. I probably hit a bad
chapter. Maybe some lousy writing or something. I'll be just fine.
LARRY: No you won't. Didn't you hear what I just read to you?
CHARLIE: Oh, you're a reading bookworm, aren't you! I'm going to tear you to pieces, friend. I'm going to . . .
LARRY: Hm. This does look like a rather interesting book. Maybe I'll just start at the beginning and do a little reading.
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