This Week's Story

Broadcast: September 21, 2003 & December 28, 2003

I AM A HOT DOG

     Hey, quit pushing. Stop crowding me, already. I am really sick of you guys. Man, we've been wrapped up together for so long. And on top of that, I'm freezing. What's the deal? Do you know who I am? I'm a hot dog and I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I tell you, somebody's going to hear about this and when they do, heads are going to roll. I don't know who's in charge of this outfit, but I'm going to have his job. There's no excuse for this kind of treatment. Really.
     Hey! Hey! Who's squirming back there in the package? Well, stop it. I don't care if you have an itch. I happen to be the top hot dog in this pack and you'll do as I say. I'm the leader, all right? If you've got questions or concerns, then you come to me. I'm going to see us through this mess. I don't care what your mama told you, this is my package and I'm the top dog. You wanna make something of it? All right then. Stop squirming around and just be still. Of all the packages, I end up with this bunch of wiener-heads.
     Stop breathing so loud. Hey, you in the back. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Pops. I don't know how you got in with this bunch. You smell a little old, if you ask me, What's your expiration date, anyway? What do you mean, you don't know? This freezer isn't going to keep you fresh forever, you know. And then you'll end up stinking up the whole lot of us. Lucky if we don't get thrown out.
     Hey! Hey, everybody! Look sharp. That's the door. The door's opening to the freezer. This could be it. This could our big break. We just might be outta here, for crying out loud. There's no reason to be afraid. Nobody's gonna hurt you. Babies! That's all! I'm surrounded by a bunch of baby wieners. Thank goodness I don't have to depend on— Hey! He's got us. We're being lifted out of the freezer. All right! Did you hear that? Something about a picnic! We're going on a picnic, boys. Yessir! That's the best. I remember hearing about picnics when I was in the processing plant. What a celebration. They have a party for you. That's what a picnic is. And you're the guest of honor.
     Hey! Here we go everybody. It's been nice living with you but do me a favor and don't crowd my space, ok, bro? Whoa! Fresh air. And space. Oh, stop being such a baby. Somebody just opened the package, that's all. I am finally away from— Ah! Just feel that heat. Isn't that wonderful? Actually, that's a little warm for me. I'm not used to the heat, you know. If you don't mind I'd rather— Ouch! That's actually too hot. Hey, you with the funny hat and the apron. Are you listening? I'm burning up down here! Ow! Oh, that's does a lot of good, rolling me over on my other side. And what's that smell? Oh, no! We're being cooked. That's what's happening. I can't believe it! Cooked like common meat. Do you know who I am? I am the hottest of all the hot dogs and I demand that you— Oh, my lord! One of our brothers just slipped off the grill and landed in the fire. What a horrible way to go. I'm going to make a break for it. If I can only get over to the side. Got to roll myself over and get off this grill before. Come on, guys, follow me. We're escaping. Look, his back is turned. Are you with me? It's a long drop to the ground from his barbecue grill but it's our only hope. We'll strike out on our own and live in the woods like wild creatures but we'll be free.
     "Hey! Who wants a hot dog?"
     "They all look good, Dad."
     "Yeah, I'm really hungry."
     "Thanks, kids. But you know, I thought I saw the strangest thing. I really thought I saw a hot dog jump off the grill and take off running for the trees over there."
     "Uh, Dad. Maybe you've been spending a little too much time around that hot fire. I'll get you a cool drink, ok?"

The End