Computers & IT
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer."
"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they
are treating pregnant men."
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Marriage
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
Drinking
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Death
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees."
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it."
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."
"All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing."
"Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead."
Food & Eating
"I like children - fried."
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through
their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The
researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the
back of a cat and drop it?"