Joe WAS suffering from excruciating headaches.

The doctor told him he could cure the headaches, but it would require castration.

“You have a rare condition that causes pressure to build up against your spine,” the doctor explained.

“This, in turn, causes headaches. The only cure is the operation.”

Joe was shocked but had the operation.

When he left the hospital, Joe was depressed, so he stopped at a men’s shop for a new suit.

The salesman eyed him and said, “44 long?”

“That’s right,” Joe said. He tried on the suit, and it fitted him perfectly.

“How about a new shirt?” the salesman asked. “Let’s see, a 34 sleeve and 16 neck ought to do it.”

“Right again,” Joe said. “You’re simply amazing.”

“While we’re at it, how about some new underwear?” the salesman suggested. He eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Size 36.”

“Nope, you finally missed one,” Joe said, chuckling. “I wear size 34.”

“Underwear that tight would create a great deal of pressure against your spine and cause one heck of a headache.”

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER

Everything hurts and what doesn't, doesn't work

You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.

Your children begin to look middle aged

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it is leaning against the wrong wall

You join a health club and don't go

You begin to outlive your enthusiasm

You decided to procrastinate but never get around to it

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet

You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions

You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals

Your favourite part of the newspaper is 25 years ago today

You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons

Your knees buckle but your belt won't

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation

You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist and 96 around the golf course

You stop looking forward to your next birthday

After painting the town red you have to take a long rest before applying the second coat

You burn the midnight oil after 9pm ;

Your back goes out more than you do

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Marriage

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they
had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the
middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
husband was holding a dildo. She got really upset. "You impotent
b-------d," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these
years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain
the dildo.......If you can explain our three kids."

Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and,
during her questions about his life; she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you
have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lie down on the ground, and spread her legs
wide." Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Johnny

Confused, Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty
with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother,
"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door..
first, Johnny, you take off my blouse....
so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off..
ok, now take off my skirt.... and he takes off her skirt..
now take off my bra....which he does..and now,
Johnny, please take off my panties..
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny,

PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"