Jokes 2

The following were actually taken from classified ads and headlines in

newspapers:

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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

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FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

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FREE PUPPIES...

PART GERMAN SHEPHERD

PART STUPID DOG

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.

LOOKS LIKE A RAT...

BEEN OUT AWHILE..

BETTER BE REWARD.

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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

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AMANA WASHER $100.

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

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2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

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TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS

OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,

EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...

ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

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83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

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STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

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SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE

89 cents

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FULL SIZED MATTRESS.

20 YR. WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

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FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS

WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

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FOR SALE:

LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

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NORDIC TRACK $300

HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE

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BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING

"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

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BLOW BROTHERS PORTABLE TOILETS AD

"WE ARE #1 IN THE #2 BUSINESS"

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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER

"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

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GET A LITTLE JOHN:

THE TRAVELING URINAL

HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

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GEORGIA PEACHES

CALIFORNIA GROWN -

89 cents lb.

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NICE PARACHUTE:

NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

SLIGHTLY STAINED

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FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

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AMERICAN FLAG

60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED

$100

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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?

WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.

STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:

QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB

AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

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LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES

FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

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GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

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OPEN HOUSE

BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON

FREE DOUGHNUTS

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KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

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FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

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GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

A cleaner is cleaning a confession box in a local church when

a young girl runs in and say's "father father i've done something

terrible I touched a boy's doodle"

The cleaner not knowing what to do gave her 10 hail mary's as

penance, so off she went.

The next day the cleaner was cleaning the same confession box and

again the same girl ran in and said "father father I gave a boy a

blow job"

The cleaner totally confused ran out and found an altar boy he

quickly asked "what does father give for a blow job?"

And the boy answered "a can of coke and a packet of chips"

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been nearly three months since I left for college. I
have been remiss in writing, and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in
not having written before. I will bring you up to date now;
but, before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any farther
unless you are sitting down. Okay.

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of
my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty
well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see
almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he
was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also
visited meat the hospital; and, since I had nowhere to live because of the
burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment
with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is
a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning
to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my
pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you
are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion you gave me when I
was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my
boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
premarital blood tests,and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon
clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind; and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-
expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his
skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I
do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father
is an important gun bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not get a concussion or a skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I
do not have syphilis, and there is no one in my life. However, I am
getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see
these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Edna