Journal

Tuesday Feburary 26, 2002 1:14a.m.
UHHHHHHHHHG, this life FUCKING SUX ASS. Ok as you can tell I'm in sort of a bad mood. Actually it's Anger/Depression. This is the best way for me to vent it b/c I can't hit anything around her except for the bed b/c everything else will break. Ok so here it is. My friend sean doesn't have the best of luck with guys and so when we went tothe bar on sat we saw this really cute guy that both of us liked, so I was thinking Ok sean isn't the best with the guys, so I'm not going to interfare and try to take that guy for myself (ok here me trying to do the right thing) and the night went well and I made 4 new friends YaY. Then the next day I hear from BOTH of them how they are soooooooo hjappy and it turns out that they found Mr. Right, and it turns out that this Mr. Right is each other. So I'm trying to feel good for them and such but in reality I just fule soooo ugh and this is the reason for that (Ok I had like a crush on this guy names Matt, I don't know why, it'snot like me but oh well, I had a crush on him and I also really wanted a bf as well but it turns out that he wasn't interested and asked that this like not interfear with the friendship so I said it's ok it won't *but in reality I was very much crushed just didn't want to like say it just b/c I didn't want to take the chance of like any negative feelings developing, soI thought I was over the whole thing by the end of the week but it turns out that it wasn't the case. I now was matt as a friend but still there is a part of me that was still like devistated over it *I can't belive that a man coulld have this kind of effect over me* but didn't let on to enyone ESPECIALLY Liz and Steph b/c I knew they would be worried and I didn't want them to be, but I guess I wasn't really over it as I thought so that's why this thing with Sean and Adam like really got me frustrated) Then I was talking to Adam seeing how heis b/c above all else he is my friend and I usually put the well being of my friends over myself *sux doesn't it* and he said how happy he was and then said he wishes I could be as lucky as he was. I know he ment that in a 100% good way but at the same time it just hit me like a mofo and I was more pissed and depressed tha nI was sunday night. Not at Adam directly but at the fact that I am still alone and now I'm actually jealous over the fact that 2 friends are now together really makes the matter worse. I used to be sooooooooooooooo good at being cold, and I didn't do it intentionally, it just came naturally like breathing, but now while I still lave certain qualities *like being able to feel sad enough to actually cry* I still do ahve more feeling at this point of my life than ever b4 and it's a bitch to deal with. ME actually being jealous over my friends getting together, ME!!!!. I used to think "fuck relationships, love?!?!? what the fuck is that shit" but now that Iactually feel what it feels like to want to be in a realtionship it's like my Karma is kicking my in the ass at themoment. I actually want to feel just like everyone else, b4 the very idea of me not feeling like everyone else gave me suuuuuuuuuuch comfort, that I couldn't be hurt by heart ache or grivance, but now I yearn for such complete feelings and yet they (the grivance waaaaaay moresoe than the heart ache) are still out of my grasp. Granted I'm not the most holy person in the world but still is that any excuse for e to be fucked over in such a way?!?!?!. I really wish that I could just have like a totalyl different life in a different body, a more complete body. And the thing is I can't revert back to my old self b/c it wasn't something I did by choice, instead I'm stuck in this kind of emotional limbo ughhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Well my anger and depression have begun to fade away, so I'll leave this for all those sholva out there.
Death Ribbon Revolution
NEHELENIA my mofos. P.H.C. forever

Saturday March 2, 2002 10:53a.m.
Awwwwwwwwwww, I just finished hosting for some prospective students, It wasn't bad at all and they came hack to the room around 9 this morning from some girls place. Awwwww, to be in H.S. again. Awwwwwwww, my ghetto mother fuckerz LoL. I stayed in my room finishing off a case of smirnoff ice with Mike and Chris, then we had a pillow fight (my pillow hurts if you are hit with it) and I was on teh defensive for a good portion of that time. I'm suppose to be going to Montreal with Nate, Matt, and perhaps Mike, not too certain though. YaY the Ms. Backstreet padgent is tomorow, I can hardly wait to go, it's going to be soooooo coolz and almost everyoen will be there. This is teh 1st anual Ms. BAckstreet padgent so it's defiantely going to be worth it, and Jessie and his bf are going to be in it as well ao doubly YaY. I'm doing laundry at the moment and I also am goingto table for SOUL (Sexual Orientation Ubiguity League) today for the prospective students, (wait till the ones I was hosting for find out I'm a fag LoL) I have to set up the tableat 11:30 and I don't know if I will be doing it alone, but I hope not *croses fingers*. I'm probably going to do some sleeping today since I didn't sleep after my friday classes. I had a nice buzz going last night I must say, I felt all warm inside, I told mike not to close the window hehe. I miss my Elmont mofos and my Valley Gurlz, but I'll see them at the end of the semester so it's coolzwell I'm off, about to put the clothes in the dryar then I'm going to head out to the Angell *and no that's not misspelled* College Center and start on teh Tabling. NEHELENIA my mofos. P.H.C. forever

Monday March 4, 2002 12:04a.m.
OMG men are such STUPID creatures. After knowing each other for UNDER 12 hours Mike and Jared are now a couple. I mean HELLO!!!!! I mean really, can you BE any dumber. I know one of them might read this but the purpose of this page is to release that which I am feeling, not to cover it up to make others feel comfortable. That's the least of it , Mike and Renee are like soooooooooooooooo not friends anymore, Mike apparently fucked things up with Renee's bf and I sooooooooooo warned him NOT to fuck around like that but I guess that he didn't listen to me. I KNOW that when I said it that I was serious b/c I KNOW that it's just wrong to fuck around with something at times and that was the time. I don't get it, is it that men are just unusualy STUPID!!!!!!!!! Oh well. I had a GREAT time last night in Montreal, it was a blast, and it was sooo cool to hang out with Nate and Baker there so I'm happy. I got in a fight with some french hooker *the bitch started with me* and she soooooooooo was SHUT DOWN. The 1st Anual Ms. Backstreet padgent was tonight and I simply loved it when some ASSHOLE made a comment *which later turned out was just taken out of context but he felt so bad that he offended me that he decided to just stay waaaaaaaay in the back* which just got me sooooooooo upset that my muscles just tensed up on me and it put a shadow over just about the rest of the evening. It just made me thing that I'm already doubly screwed over just b/c of who I am and I was thinking that that's just soooooooo fucked up so I really now don't care when I die, actually the sooner the better so that way I won't have to put up with the BULLSHIT that I'm destined to in my life. Don't worry, I would NEVER kill myself *just covering my bases with teh religious aspect of me (which is so limited to that part)* but if I were like to have a heart attack I would probably tell the paramedis that I refuse medical treatment (no I would DEFIANTELY TELL THEM THAT *if I can*) or if I were to be hit by a car I wouldn't care after the fact *I'm not going to jump out infront of a car or anythin like that* I just won't try more than I have to when it comes to preserving my life, I also won't try to end it. Hopefully it will be the heart attack one, I already get pains in that area of my chest *it might actually be my heart* but it hasn't been a heart attack so I'm still here. Well I have a his paper to write and some pages left to read for bio so I'm off like a prom dress. NEHELENIA my mofos. P.H.C. forever