You know what that number is? I'll tell you how I came up with it. One night, after a caustic remark from a therapist (who said this remark with all the good intentions, and I have no ill feeling towards her), I took a black Crayola washable marker and starting writing on my own skin. Except that I wasn't just writing anything. I was tracing lines that were already there. Some lines were faint, white, narrow and short. Some are raised, with a pinkish tint. Some aren't lines at all but blotches of uneven skin tone. Some look like railroad tracks. I traced them all, and counted as I went. Then number was 429.
These lines that I traced, which were all over my body, and I mean that no apendage is left unmarked, were formed by my own two hands. If you still don't get it: I purposefully cut and burned my own skin. Oh my god, how could someone possible do that to themselves? is what I usually hear. Ignorance is not always bliss, folks.
I started cutting when I was eleven. I hid it from everyone until I was 20 years old. Even when I was on the swim team and competing in track and field with those little but huggers as we call them. Eventually things got to the point where I was hospitalized for three months and then did a three month partial program designed for people with SI problems. It saved my life. I honestly believe that. Yes, I still relapse, but the times in between cutting incidents is getting longer and longer, and the severity of the cuts is much much less. I don't need stitches all the time. (More on ERs to come) and I don't need to be in the hospital on a 1:1 watch. I am standing on my own two feet now. Yes, I fall, but as my brother told me the other night, I always get back up again. And THAT is what is most important.
I am not proud of my cuts, but I try hard as hell not to be ashamed anymore. It was a coping skill, and believe it or not, it helped keep me alive for awhile. It was ineffective in the long term, and I did come to see that. We all have our own battles, mine is just visible on my skin.
In the following pages I want to include information on what SI IS and what it ISN'T because a lot of people do not know, and that is where the negative stigma comes into play. I am hoping to educate at least a few people in the world. I will provide links. As in my anorexia secion, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU TIPS ON HOW TO CUT AND GET AWAY WITH IT! I will get you tips on how to stop the behavior. I will not judge you for it, but it is unhealthy, and ineffective LONGTERM, and can endanger your health and life.
Combatting Ignorance
come here to see an ugly color
What Self-Harm is NOT and what it is.
Helpful Coping Skills
Here is a list of alternative coping skills, divided up into moods, and then a list of general coping skills.
ARE YOU READY TO STOP?
Are you ready to stop Self-Injurious behaviors? It isn't as easy a question as you may think.
Silverware
An old mental rambling
