I should have realized that all of this was showing the kids that often times, a steamroller like approach will work. The times that I did make a stand for something, I had a glass baby bottle thrown at head (luckily it didnt break), a tin flour holder or anything that presented itself as a projectile at the time. Things would eventually get to the point that I would begin to verbally spar back out of frustration which would in turn drive the argument deeper and louder. The house eventually would take on a different feel for me that others would remark on that would visit. There always seemed to be a sense of nervous tension regardless of what was happening. If things where actually pleasant for a change, there was always the thought that just under the surface something small could happen to start a fight or argument and the peace would be lost. It got to be a way of life, living with this nervous tension day in and day out. Always wondering what the tripwire was going to be to cause another fight. It was literally a palpable sensation that existed at the time. Again, to avoid confrontations over small stuff, I began not to argue over the smaller things. It appeared to the kids that their Mom was able to get her way by being loud and at times bullying, but it worked in the end for her. Again, I was blind to the fact that the kids were watching these exchanges and learning from them as well.
Anyway...... As I posted at the start of the previous post, the reason for my not posting regularly is because of things going on at home now. After a few years of seperation, divorce and now my remarriage, the kids have grown a bit and are starting to see that doing things just as they witnessed growing up doesnt always result in them getting what they want. The three kids are living in three different homes now. The oldest is living with a family of a friend of hers. My middle daughter is living with her mother and our son is living with my new wife and me. My ex still tries to exert some type of control over my household by telling my son that he doesnt have to listen to my wife because she is not his mother. This gets to be a problem because I work offshifts in general leaving my wife to be there with him most of the time. If he is asked to do something that he may not 'feel' like doing at the time, he would get combative and verbally abusive towards my wife. Her only recourse at this point is to send him to his room. In doing this, I have seen the marks that he has clawed into her arms and seen the aftermath of items thrown in defiance. Much of this I take the blame for myself, because all that he is doing is resorting to the behavior that he saw work most often growing up. He will often run to the phone immediately and call his mother crying as if being murdered because he was being sent to his room. This of course causes further yelling from his mother directed to me at work and my wife at home. He sees my wife and himself in a competition for my time and affection. No matter how I try to explain to him that I am not at all independently wealthy and although I have been looking, the only job that I have been able to find is one of working off hours. Unfortunately, that means that we dont have much time together in the evenings. I do my best to be there every morning to get him up for school and some mornings its not easy considering I have just fallen into bed roughly two hours before the alarm goes off. He is only 11, so he doesnt fully grasp the responsibilities that I have. It got to the point that we had a talk with the local police department (of which I am already basically on a first name basis with thanks to my ex, but that's another story) and the chief came out and explained to my son that his mother was wrong. If I am not home, he does have to listen to my wife as she is at that time his primary care giver and responsible for his well being. It was also explained to him that if he would kick her again while she was driving and cause and accident, HE would be the one tried for the accident and not her. It seems to have at least made a small dent with him as for the last two weeks he has behaved much better in general around the house. My fingers are crossed that his improvement in his behavior continues. I dont think my nerves could realistically take it if it doesnt.
The other reason I have been a bit tardy in writing here has been a court ordered family counseling because of things that have occured at my ex's home concerning my middle daughter. Much of these sessions are supposed to be helping with communication between family members but I sense much of the old anger and tense feelings returning. I resent above everything else being treated as if I am someone's possesion. Because of this belief, I really dont get jealous or believe in it as a way of showing someone that you care about them. People that are adults should be treated as such. They have the right to make their own choices and decisions. They also should be darn well ready to accept the consequences for those choices and decisions. My ex wife never did. She still blames me for the paths that she took in her life, because I told her that I was going to give her a better life then what she had. When I said that, I honestly believed it. But over time, as I pointed out in the "Why is it so hard to do the right thing" post, some people dont want the help. She wanted me to be able to wave a magic wand and present the world without her doing anything at all towards that end. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I do the best that I possibly can with what I have and hope that at some point down the road, the kids see that of me. I dont wish ill of anyone, including my ex. But with much of what is going on behind the scenes in my life, updates here might be a bit sporadic for the time being. I'm looking forward to when I can again devote more time to this endeavor. For me, this is my own version of therapy and does me a world of good.