Jess and Hannah, being the only ones found alive in the centre of the crater that now is Oxford, are recruited by the S.S.S.S. (Secret Shagging Spy Service) led by Austin Powers. They are given control of a time machine to aid them on their journey back in time to capture and kill the warlord Osama Bin Laden responsible for the destruction of Oxford. After going back in time and picking up a music shop worker called Toby and his terrier dog Tyke, safely-exploding a few bombs in Oxford and going to the 1960s to pick up 'Dad's Army' TV show star Ian Lavender, Jess and Hannah make a reappearance in Book One, deciding this time to save Natalie Imbruglia and Josh Hartnett's lives, they return and on orders by Austin himself bring Osama Bin Laden into the S.S.S.S.'s hands.

Pleased with his most shagadelic spies' work, Austin gives Jess and Hannah the chance of a lifetime - an island of their own to do whatever they want with and 1,000,000,000 of their own currency. Jess and Hannah bump into Jimmy who has escaped from the authorities and continue on their way to their new island that they name Jesshannahtropolis (silent h's) and open it up to the celebrities of the world to come and stay. They build, with the help of speedy architect and builders, a theme park, a hotel, a Star Bar, a Casino, a comedy club, a music store and much much more. The island turns out to be incredibly popular for a celebrity getaway and amongst the holiday-goers, Dylan Moran - Irish comedian, Kelly Jones - rock star, Brandon Boyd - rock star, Zane Lowe - music TV presenter and Patrick Marber - playwright from Book One, turn up and befriend Jess and Hannah.

Things rapidly start going wrong when Hannah and Patrick get addicted to gambling and start spending all their time and money in the local Casino. Jimmy creates an island tribe with Ian and terrier Tyke, first deciding to hunt coconuts and then turning his attention to hunting Jess, at which point Ian leaves the tribe. Jess creates her comedy club called 'The Jess-ter' and after an opening night ruined by Jimmy, starts getting more and more infuriated with Hannah. Jess and Hannah have a huge arguement, mainly over Hannah spending all of her time either gambling away all their money or chasing after men. After Hannah is put in rehab and released 'cured' of the need to gamble and Patrick and Jimmy are put in rehab and eventually break out, a huge monsoon starts on the island and at the pinacle of Jess and Hannah's arguement and the storm, Jess walks off into the rain and Kelly shoots and kills Jimmy in a rage of jealousy and buries him on the island. A team of police and firemen are brought onto the island after Hannah's pet tiger, Terror, starts to maul celebrities and pile their bodies on the main beach. Jess is found by police the next day collapsed in the forest and is admitted into hospital with hypothermia. Brandon leaves the island and Hannah, admitting her love for Kelly, doesn't go to visit her best friend but instead spends her time with Kelly in many innuendo-filled situations. When Hannah finally goes to see Jess in hospital, Jess tells her to get out, angry with Hannah for not seeing her sooner because of spending time with Kelly. Upset, Hannah walks over to the Casino with Patrick. Whilst spending time there Patrick runs out of money and orders her to go and find Jess and get her money. Hannah goes to find Jess in the comedy club and sees the errors of her ways, apologising about everything to Jess on the other side of a closed door at the back of the comedy club. Hannah is shocked to find a ruffled Jess in a room with Ian and takes all of Jess's credit cards, storming back to the Casino to spend all their remaining money on gambling. Patrick and Hannah spend the last money Jess and Hannah have and Austin Powers appears, telling them that they have run out of money and now have to leave the island and return back to their normal lives. He sends Dylan, Kelly, Patrick, Toby, Tyke, Zane and Ian back to where they came from and finally sends Jess and Hannah, mid-arguement, back to where we joined them at the beginning of the story.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

FACT - The logos on each book site change - according to what website you are on the colour drops out whereas on the motherpage, all the colours appear.

book three

the plot

Jess and Hannah are struggling to think of a plot...they sit at home on the sofa, Jess knitting herself a monkey and Hannah fretting about the fact that they have no adventures up their sleeves. Then Jess disappears down the back of the sofa.

They fall down the back of the sofa to find themselves in a dark pink room. Suddenly out of nowhere comedian Lee Evans appears, calling himself the Sofa Gremlin. He promises to help Jess and Hannah find their way out of where they are - Sofa Land. He leads them to a field where there are many cows and pigs. The way to get out, he explains, is to put your hand on one of the cow's spots or a pig, say a small chant ("Powers of chickens, all come to me, send us back to our settee!") and away you go ending up coming head-first out of the back of someone's sofa or armchair (respectively). The problem is can they find the right cow to get back to the right sofa from which they came? After several failed attempts at trying to find the correct sofa they emerge out of one on top of a tip, where they meet a gothic man called Otto who enjoys insulting Jess and joins them on their quest. Several more failed attempts later they emerge from an armchair (travelled to by pig) into a classy establishment that turns out to home two comedians named Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller. Picking them up they go down the back of a sofa back to Sofa Land. Night-time quickly (in fact, extremely quickly) falls and Lee leads the two girls and three guys to the Sweet Slumber Hotel (which, entertainingly, is run by horses) to rest for the night.

The following morning over breakfast Lee suggests that the motley crew could follow the purple slate road (yes, the purple slate road) on their quest to get back home. Fed up with travelling by cows (and pigs for that matter) they agree and set off on the purple slate road. On their way they meet the oracle of Sofa Land, Gertrude (another cow), who advises them that the best way to get home would be to follow the purple slate road to the Sapphire City and see the Wizard of Sofa Land. Hannah also decides at this point that she needs a brain and that Jess needs a heart (which Jess strongly disagrees with) so it's decided that the Wizard of Sofa Land can help them so they continue on their travels. However, they walk a short distance and a tornado touches down on the purple slate road in front of them, so they run for their lives back to Gertrude, place their hands on her spots and say the small chant. Amazingly they end up in Heaven. God lets them stay a short while as the tornado disappears and they end up picking up not one but three late comedians from Heaven - Spike Milligan, Peter Cook and Graham Chapman. When they go back through the sofa in Heaven they land on and kill Estelle Morris, the wicked witch of the east. Back on their travels along the purple slate road they come to a rather scary looking group of trees. Suddenly a lion leaps out at them. Scared out of their pants, the weary travellers find out that he is actually only an Incontinent Lion, not really that scary and instead is rather smelly, so they allow him to join them to go and see the Wizard of Sofa Land so his incontinence can be fixed. They head off past the trees and suddenly night-time falls again when they are walking through a poppy field. All of them suddenly become very sleepy and end up falling down into the poppies and snoozing.

They wake up the following morning to find that the wicked witch of the west, Cherie Blair, is dead and that their dangerous sleep in the poppy field was actually just a harmless nap. Continuing on they find that two slates out of the purple slate road are missing, which is a very big thing according to Lee the Sofa Gremlin, so they add this to the list of things to ask the Wizard. They came across a huge bramble thicket that blocked their path down the purple slate road and so travelled by cow and pig to get to the other side of it, on the way losing Graham, where they finally arrive at the Sapphire City, a huge group of bright blue buildings. They knock on the door of the city and finally get let in to see the Wizard. However, the Wizard turns out to be nothing more than a very small boy with a penchant for temper tantrums. Greatly irritated by this fact and also by hearing that to solve incontinence Lion had to do pelvic floor exercises and for Jess and Hannah to get home they had to follow their feet, they leave rather cheesed off. Soon after leaving they realise that the Wizard cheekily swapped Jess and Hannah's brains and hearts over and now Hannah has acquired certain brain power and Jess seems to have become both stupid and highly flirtatious, which as we all know is a highly dangerous combination. They storm back to see the Wizard only to be told that he can't perform another spell before the next day, otherwise he'll be told off. They go shopping in Sapphire City to pass the time and stay the night in a small Bed & Breakfast near the Wizard's house.

Next day Hannah tries to trick Jess into keeping things the way they are - Hannah with a brain fit to take over the world and Jess flirting with various comedians, unable to understand Hannah's devious tricks. They are dragged back by the guys to see the Wizard of Sofa Land and he tells them that he will turn Jess and Hannah back to normal, but only for a price. He wants back his pet the magical flying possum of Sofa Land. The possum can be found in the wild wood on the other side of Disneyland. Exhausted, they all agree (well, Hannah doesn't but she continues on trying not to cause suspicion just in case her world-domination plans are found out about), so they set off to get to Disneyland along the purple slate road. It turns out (stroke of luck) that Lion can fly, so they hop on and shortly arrive at the edge of Disneyland where Chuck Jones' house is and they all get given passes and are turned into 2D cartoon characters. Encountering many Disney and (unexplainably) Loony Toon characters on the way, they travel across Disneyland by taxi, bus and then walk through the particularly scary Abandoned Characters Street. Finally (and not a minute too soon) they arrive at the edge of the Wild Wood and there is much trepidation and nervousness. A bat flies out of the wood, scaring the sh*t out of the travellers, turns into a man and advises them that he's called Batell and it's his duty to warn them about the dangers of the wood. In a bizarre turn of events it's revealed that Batell is actually Otto's father, Otto can turn into a llama and Peter Cook and Spike Milligan can't enter the wild wood because they're dead so they leave Jess and Hannah and Book Three to its wildly convoluted plot. They spend the night in the forest in a clearing.

They awake to Ben and Xander (Alexander) arguing severely and turning more and more into argumentative parents with each day, their child of course being Jess. Before you know it, Jess has acquired a new mother (Ben) and another new father (Xander). Eventually, after much searching, they find the magical flying possum asleep on a plush velvet cushion. When he's approached however he turns into a snarling, snapping mess. Answer? Send Batell up the tree to knock him out. They put him in a bag and continue back on their way. After a quick re-panting session by the Underwear Protectors, they leave Batell behind in the Wild Wood and fly back to the front of Disneyland on Lion and return to their normal form in 3D. Lion, fed up of flying them anywhere, goes on strike and when a small green car pulls up alongside them on the purple slate road they agree to get a lift (very slowly) back to the Sapphire City. Taking advantage of their age and dominating powers over the small Wizard boy they (meanly) bully him into changing Jess and Hannah back. All sorted, they leave the Wizard to nurse a newly grazed knee and also leave the Incontinent Lion behind outside the walls of the Sapphire City. On their way back across Sofa Land they bump into Pin Man and Marethrow who are looking for Lion. They tag along for a while until Lee tells them to go away. Arriving back at the field full of pigs and cows, they make several botched attempts to find the right cow to get back to Hannah's sofa in her house. Lee gets a map of all the cows and pigs to try and find the correct cow they need. With this they find out that they need to locate a largish cow with 27 pink spots and a tail of 32.7 centimetres. They found a cow with 27 pink spots, but nobody remembers to measure the tail, so in the excitement they all travel by cow to the sofa. They emerge and find themselves amazingly in Jess's living room where they are met by Jess's non-biological dad, Dave, who asks where they have been for the past three months.

Needing something to do to finish off Book Three, Jess and Hannah discover that there is an alien life-form in Jess's back garden. They find an alien called Gregory has landed there and has been sent by his alien planet to perform meteorological tests to determine whether his species could invade Earth. Tying Gregory to a rocket they attempt to blast him back into space where he came from, but unfortunately the rocket isn't powerful enough and he falls back to earth with a bang. Digging a large hole, Otto tries to dispose of Gregory in it. Hee covers the hole with soil and they all go back into the kitchen to get a cup of tea. Unfortunately Gregory, somehow having survived the fall and abuse from the others, manages to get himself out of the hole and tries to tempt Jess into keeping him as a pet. Fortunately Jess refuses to keep him as a pet (because she's a clever girl) and Gregory burrows down into the hole made in her garden to escape. Otto finds a stick of dynamite and lights it, throwing it down the hole. There is an almighty explosion and a couple of Australians fly out of the hole. Otto pushes them back in and, Jess, Hannah, Ben, Xander and Otto all jump down on a mission to find Gregory. They fall for ages and land somewhere very hot. Suddenly everything goes black and they wake up in a hospital. But not any hospital...the Hospital at the Centre of the Earth, which is run by Satan (a.k.a. Saddam Hussain). Hannah (because she really is mad, wakes up in the psychiatric ward, separated from all her adventure buddies. Otto, Jess, Ben and Xander set off from their normal ward to find her. It turns out that Gregory is set to be admitted into the hospital as soon as they find a bed for him, so when Hannah pleads to be discharged, he is given her bed. Hiding in the shadows, Otto emerges to read the clipboard of notes on Gregory sitting at the edge of his bed in order to work out where his weaknesses lie. Fortunately it turns out that he's already dead, so they're saved the task of trying to kill him. Satisfied, they leave and get in the elevator where they have 300 floors to ascend through the earth. Cruelly, Ben and Xander manage to step out of the lift between floors and an ominous 'thud' is heard. Eventually Jess, Hannah and Otto arrive on the ground floor and the lift doors open to reveal the end of Book Three.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

FACT - Why are there the same phrases at the ends of each part of the book? Because Jess and Hannah thought it would be fun.

book four

the plot

A summary of the plot for Book Four is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

book five

the plot

A summary of the plot for Book Five is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

book six

version one

the plot

A summary of the plot for Version One of Book Six is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

version two

the plot

A summary of the plot for Version Two of Book Six is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

version three

the plot

A summary of the plot for Version Three of Book Six is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

book seven

the plot

A summary of the plot for Book Seven is coming soon.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

book eight

the plot

Jess and Hannah wake up after their Christmas party with the biggest, nastiest and most disturbing hangover yet. They find themselves lying on top of a huge model X-Wing fighter in a strange place with lots of kids, French people and popcorn stalls. After crawling off they bump into a Frenchman called Jean-Pierre who informs them that he will be their boss. They sign away their lives without realising to work in this place and are given uniforms to put on that turn out to be pirate costumes. Rather unnerved, they head off to do their job.

The next morning Jess's hangover is bad, but they go out to work to face up to their mistakes the previous day and are made to scrub the toilets, then clean up sick on the Aerosmith rock 'n' roll coaster. They brake for lunch and Hannah hypnotises Jess to try and get some answers. They find out that Billy Boyd was the priest who married Jess. They decide to escape from Disneyland with a 500 Euro note that Jess found on the floor. They try to escape but are pursued by hundreds of Disney employees because no-one is allowed to leave once they are employed. They dive for cover into the Alice In Wonderland maze but Jess gets kidnapped and held hostage by Jean-Pierre and tortured to lure Hannah in. Hannah, Matt, Trey, Simon and Martin set off to rescue her, but get captured in the process. Thanks to some cunning work of Simon's they manage to escape but the men all run off and leave Hannah to save her best friend from torture. Hannah sets off in the air vents to get to the room where Jess is being held hostage. They escape onto the roof and bump into the guys and have to leap onto passing floats in the Main Street Parade to escape. Back in Simon's flat they're trying to think up ways to escape when there's a knock on the door. It turns out to be Daniel Johns, returning for yet another Book appearance. He agrees to help them escape, so they run down and jump in his car and ram their way through the barrier at the exit and manage to escape. Daniel drops them off in Paris and leaves Matt, Martin, Simon, Jess and Hannah to stand around whilst Trey tries to withdraw money from an ATM nearby. Unfortunately it raises an alarm and Disney patrol cars race after them. They miraculously come across six motorbikes and steal them, driving outside the border of Paris where Disney can't catch follow them to.

The rest of the Book Eight plot is coming soon after Jess and Hannah finish writing it.

amusing stuff and explanations of things you may not have understood...

More will be added to the Walkthrough page over the next few months.
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