There was a crash from the outside of the cockpit.
�What�s going on out there?!� Hannah asked. �I won�t have rabble on my Spaceship.�
The guy they had tied up hopped into the room, still bound and gagged with socks. He spat out the sock in his mouth and said angrily.
�It�s MY Spaceship!�
�Not any more.� Hannah said crossly. �I�ve commandeered it.�
�You can only commandeer something if you have a certain level of AUTHORITY.� He shot back.
�Yeah, well�shut up!� Hannah waved a card at him obstinately.
�What was THAT?�
�My library card.� Hannah muttered.
�Untie me now! I demand it!!� The man said.
�Why should I?� Hannah questioned.
�Because this is my ship!�
�This conversation is going in circles.� Jess moaned. �How about I get us a nice pot of tea and we can sit down and have a good chat to sort things out?�
�What�s to SORT?! It�s MY ship!!�
�Yeah, it was a sh*t idea, wasn�t it?� Jess said, mainly to herself as no-one else was listening.
�Look, don�t lose your head, mate.� Hannah told the guy, who had been steadily getting more and more agitated, yet strangely wasn�t going red in the face.
�What?!!� The man stopped dead and looked up at Hannah panicked.
�Don�t lose your head.� Hannah repeated.
�What a stupid thing to say! Of course I�m not going to lose my head! It�s not like it�s detachable, is it?�
�I don�t know � it�s your head.� Hannah retorted.
�It�s just a turn of phrase.� Jess explained, wondering why the man was acting so much on the defence.
�Well if you ask me, it�s STUPID!� The man said, in somewhat of a strop.
Jess and Hannah both noticed he was suspiciously fiddling with his neck.
�I mean, of course I�m wearing my own head! How could I not be?!� He laughed nervously, loudly and for a long time.
�You�re not wearing your own head, are you?!� Hannah said, narrowing her eyes.
�Don�t be ridiculous, Hannah!� Jess said.
�Yeah, don�t be ridiculous, Hannah.� The man repeated.
�You�re wearing a mask!� Hannah accused.
�AM NOT!!�
�ARE TOO!!�
�AM NOT!!!�
�ARE TOO!!!!�
�Look, Hannah, I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt here.� Jess said, diplomatically.
�Why?�
Jess thought for a minute. �Actually, no reason.�
Hannah strode up to the man and inspected his neck as closely as she could whilst he was trying to hop away. She gasped, and dug her fingernails into his neck and pulled off, sure enough, a mask. The man fell over onto the floor, helpless, as his real identity was revealed.
�CHRIS BARRIE!!!� Hannah gasped.
There was a thump as Jess hit the floor, hurrying to untie his bounds.
�How do you know who I am?!�
�Oh, come on, Jess has to be like the biggest Red Dwarf fan in the WORLD!� Hannah explained.
�Not that that means anything in Space.� Jess tried to smile not too overly-enthusiastically.
�It�s always nice to meet a fan.� Chris smiled.
�DAMMIT!� Jess swore. �I�M NOT! My name�s actually�Terry!� She frowned at her inability to be able to make up names on the spot.
�Right�� Chris looked slightly concerned.
�Don�t you dare mention about my fan club membership!� Jess said in hushed tones to Hannah.
�You know�� reflected Hannah, looking suspiciously at her friend. �It�s almost as if you somehow PLANNED this��
Jess hid a pen in her pocket and whistled innocently.
�So, why were you in disguise?� Hannah asked Chris.
�You bought too many Bentleys and had to go into hiding, didn�t you?� Jess said, scoldingly. �You�re in DEBT.�
�No,� Chris explained. �I just wanted to get away from all the attention back on Earth.�
�Oh, yeah, from your massive fan base,� Hannah sniggered.
�Shut it, Hans, � said Jess, who WAS Chris�s fan base (well, it was her sending him all those scary letters, anyway).
�So?� Chris said, looking at them incredulously.
��So� what?!� Hannah asked.
��So� are you going to get out of the driving seat of MY Spaceship?� Chris demanded.
Hannah considered this.
�NO!� She yelled back. Then, after a second�s thought, quietly: �Thank you.�
�We don�t want to fight with you,� Jess began, ignoring the �I DO!� coming from Hannah�s direction. �We just need to escape.�
�Escape? Why?� Chris asked.
�We�re prisoners on the ship,� Jess explained.
�PRISONERS?� Chris looked perturbed.
�It�s all a misunderstanding!� Hannah squeaked. �I didn�t MEAN to kill him!�
Chris went white.
�She didn�t kill him; don�t worry.� Jess reassured him. �She just smothered him with a duvet. He was fine, after they resuscitated him.�
Chris went from white to a colour approaching transparent.
�O�K.� He said, at length. �So, you accidentally tried to kill someone. May I ask who?�
�Whom�� Jess shuddered.
�Daniel Radcliffe.� Hannah said, fiddling with the exciting, brightly coloured buttons on the dashboard.
�Who?� Chris asked.
�Whom.� Hannah corrected.
�No, it�s not, in that instance.� Jess reminded her.
�Oh.�
�WHO IS DANIEL RADCLIFFE AND WHY DID YOU TRY TO KILL HIM?!� Chris asked, frustrated and more than slightly scared for his life.
�He plays Harry Potter.� Hannah replied.
�Oh.� Chris thought for a second. �Oh, HIM?�
Jess and Hannah nodded.
Chris relaxed visibly.
�Oh, that�s fine � he annoys the HELL out of me."