"Thanks once again for
the lift Mr N*****y! I don't know how I can ever repay you
for this…you'll have a box of chocolates with your Christmas
card this year!" Jess pulled her skirt straight.
"Get inside!" Hannah exclaimed. "I can't be late
for my own wedding!"
"Oh, I'm sure you could." Jess replied, as they
ran up to the door.
They burst inside and Hannah began jogging up the aisle as the
bridal march played.
"Hannah! You're meant to step in time to the
music – like THIS." Jess bobbed forward slowly,
stepping about once every 24 hours.
"What a load of crap. It'll take me a week to reach the
altar." Hannah paused. "Oops. I don't think I can say
'crap' in church." She grabbed a vicar greeting people as
they came in and asked. "Can I say crap in church?"
"Um…it's preferable NOT to," He began.
"Ok." Hannah turned back and did a piss-take of Jess'
bobbing walk up the aisle, arriving next to Chris a moment later.
"Hi."
"What are you doing here, Chris? It's bad luck for us
to see each other before the wedding!" Chris smacked his
head to his forehead and turned to the vicar.
"Quick. Before I change my mind."
The vicar cleared his throat.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the
joining of Hannah and Chris in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of
any just impediment why these two people should not be joined,
speak now or forever hold your-"
"STOP!"
Everyone in the church turned. They didn't quite know where they were turning to
however, since the voice that had outspoken was surrounding them.
Hannah admired the acoustics. Then realised who it was when they
next spoke.
"YOU WANT ME! YOU PROMISED!"
"COLIN?!" Hannah said in a disgusted tone.
"Of all the men - COLIN?!!"
"STOP STOP STOP!" Colin cried. "STOP STOP STOP
STOP STOP!!" He gibbered on.
"You're not even real!" Hannah cried. Her
mobile, that she had tucked into her blue garter vibrated. She
took it out and Colin's little face appeared on the screen.
"I'm going to have to change my number." She sighed.
"Please! Give me a chance!-"
"No mobiles in the church please. Switch them all off!"
There was a shriek from every mobile as each one was turned off.
Hannah turned back to the wedding and the priest was about to
continue as Colin's evil cackle sounded.
"Don't just turn them silent you bastards! What do you think
this is? A hospital!"
Jess pulled her phone out of her pocket and blushed.
"Sorry," She muttered, turning it off. "Carry
on."
The vicar turned back to the bride and groom.
"May I continue?"
"If you like." Chris replied, wearily.
"Right, as I was saying, if any one knows any just
imped-"
"STOP!" Everyone turned except Hannah who
clasped her hands together, looked up to the ceiling and
muttered:
"Let it be Daniel, let it be Daniel, let it be
Daniel…" She turned around. "Oh, BEN!" She
scowled. "What do you want?!"
"I'm the best-man – you can't get married without me!"
He ran up the aisle and straightened his bow tie.
"Right, now, if anyone knows any just impediment why these
two people cannot be joined, speak now, or forever hold your
peace."
There was a long silence.
Billy coughed.
Everyone looked at him.
"Sorry."
"Right. Hannah, do you-"
"Hang on!" Said Hannah. "I think you should wait
– I mean, someone might think of a just impediment
– give them a chance!"
There was another silence.
"Ok…The
priest started gently.
"Ssh!" Hannah said.
After 5 minutes the priest looked up. "Do you wish to
continue?"
Chris put his hands over Hannah's mouth. "YES."
"Ok…"
"Are priests allowed to say that?" Hannah asked.
"What? You think we're completely devoid of any slang term
used in the past 500 years, m'dear?"
Hannah was speechless.
"If anyone knows any just impediment as to why-" The
priest stopped abruptly.
"What?" Hannah looked up excitedly. "Did someone
whisper stop? Did they sound Australian?"
"No, I just figured I should skip that part. Do you, Hannah
N*****y, take this man, Chris Joannou, to be your lawfully wedded
husband? To love and cherish through sickness and in health, for
richer for po-"
"Yeah right." Hannah scoffed. "As if that
would happen."
"You never know," Chris scowled. "I could lose all
my money in a poker game."
"Do you play poker?"
"No, b-"
"My point exactly." She turned to the priest. "Please,
continue."
"For richer for
poorer, til death does you part?"
"Sure."
"Um, the customary reply is 'I do'." The priest said,
with a nervous smile.
"Oh. Well, you know me. Un-conventional."
Jess, who had been sitting next to Ben on the front pew, stood up
and marched over to Hannah.
"Do AS YOU'RE TOLD!" She hissed, loud
enough for the whole Abbey to hear. She shuffled back to her pew
and sat down between Billy and Ben.
"Wow. You're not a happy bridesmaid, are you?!" Billy
commented.
"Not really, but I really want to get to the
reception. They have chicken caesar salad!" She smiled
happily.
"I…do." Hannah said, giving Jess and odd look.
"Right. Now, Christopher-"
"Hey, you got his name wrong, priest-dude. His name's
Chris." Hannah turned to the front pew. "That was a
close one, eh? I might have ended up marrying the wrong
man!"
Jess started banging her head against the back of the pew.
"Um…Christopher's my full name." Chris said
to Hannah.
"WHAT? You're kidding. That sounds more like the name of a
Jess-type guy. Do I have to call you that after we're
married?"
Chris sighed.
"NO, Hannah."
"Oh, ok." The priest looked at them nervously.
"May I continue?"
"Uh-huh."
"Do you, Christopher Joannou, take this woman, Hannah
N*****y, to be your lawful wedded wife, in sickness and in
health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse?"
There was a silence.
"Well?!" Hannah stamped on Chris' foot. "Go
on!"
"I d-"
"STOP!"
Everyone turned to see Daniel standing at the back of the abbey
by the open doors.
"Well, YOU took your time!" Hannah exclaimed. "He
was about to say 'I do'!"
"Oh, shite." Jess buried her head in her
hands.
"Don't worry…um…maybe it's fate, maybe Hannah will
be happier this way…" Billy said, trying to be
encouraging.
"I'm not bothered about that!" Jess whinged.
"If she doesn't get married I can't go to the
reception…oh…the chicken caesar salad…" She
moaned sadly.
Daniel began to walk up the aisle.
"You're doing it wrong, Dan! You're meant to bob."
Hannah called at him.
"What is going on?!" Chris cried, looking cross.
Daniel pulled Hannah
aside and whispered to her: "I thought you didn't want to
marry him!?"
"Well…" Hannah thought (what a momentous
occasion). "Actually I quite like him."
"So you'll promise me you'll stay married to him 'till death
do you part?" Daniel hissed.
"Why?"
"Because he's my friend and I don't want anything bad to
happen to him."
"Well, if you insist. He is quite nice."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Hannah wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do but it was
an emotional link to Daniel Johns so she wasn't dismissing it.
"CAN I continue?!" The vicar asked, pissed off.
"Yeah." Hannah turned back. "Go on."
"Do you, Christopher Joannou, take this woman, Hannah
N*****y, to be your lawful wedded wife-"
"YES, I DO." Chris was
really pissed off, having stood there for nearly three hours.
"Oh. Great. Well, I pronounce you husband and wife."
There was a long silence. "Um…you MAY kiss the
bride." The vicar said, encouragingly.
"Uh-uh-uh…" Hannah warned Chris. "If you
smudge my lipstick you die."
� Jess and Hannah 2002