The doors of the restaurant
in the marquee burst open as people came flooding in for the
reception.
"Let me at the caesar salad, let me at it!!!" Jess
burst through the crowd and ran towards the table, knocking Pin
Man, Toby and the Incontinent Lion out of her way in the process. He whimpered and a bunch of tea
light candles he was standing over went out. Slowly, the hundreds
of well-dressed round tables in the candle-lit marquee (yes, it
is rather a fire-hazard), filled up with hundreds and hundreds of
people. Hannah, half an hour later, was sat on a long high table
(it wasn't actually that tall – the carpenter had
been a dwarf). She looked bored. Suddenly a silver spoon was
banged against a crystal glass (we're going for specifics
here…) and Hannah looked up excitedly – the speeches!
Chris stood up and cleared his throat. Everybody looked up, and
those at the back of the tent looked up at a TV screen. (I used
the term 'tent' loosely).
"I guess it's speech time." He started. "But
before that I just need to ask where Jess is?"
All the heads turned to reveal Jess on a table 10 metres away
with Billy, Dom, Sean, Elijah and caesar salads.
"Sorry?" Jess said crunching some lettuce.
"Ah, you're meant to be sitting here." Chris indicated
to an empty seat on Hannah's left-hand-side. Hannah beamed at all
the turned heads like the happy bride she was trying to be.
"Can I bring these?" Sean looked up excitedly to see
that Jess was actually pointing to the salad bowls.
"Sure." Said Chris, nervous about his speech – he
didn't actually have one. Jess bumbled over.
Chris cleared his throat once more. "Well, here I am, married. Who would have
thought it?!"
"Not me." Muttered Daniel from a table near the
front where he was sitting with Natalie.
"Well, uh…I'd like to thank my beautiful bride-"
"HUH." Natalie made an odd noise under the
pretence of clearing her throat. A glass came flying from the
bridal table and narrowly missed her.
"And my best man, Ben, who ALMOST didn't make it. And
Hannah's bridesmaid, Jess, who, despite barely being able to
move, has put on a brave face all day, so good for her."
There was a smattering of applause for Hannah, Ben and Jess.
"And now, the father's speech?" Chris said, looking
around expectantly.
6 men in the room stood up.
"DAD! Sit DOWN! It's not my
wedding!" Jess shouted.
5 men sat down, leaving just Hannah's dad.
"Well, I never thought I'd see my little girl grow up to be
so beautiful and successful and-" He burst into tears.
"Sit DOWN." Hannah sighed, wearily.
"And the best man speech?" Chris asked.
Ben stood up nervously.
"Um, this is a bit last minute, so it's a bit short."
Ben said. A few people laughed. "No, seriously."
He said, clutching a single cue card. "Um…Chris is my
best friend…after Daniel. I'm glad he's got
married…hope he's happy. Yeah. Ok." He sat down.
"Sorry, Ben, honey – I think in the rush you forgot
your GRAMMAR." Jess muttered to him.
"Right. Ok. Well, Hannah, if you'd like to throw the
bouquet…"
Hannah stood up, turned around and lobbed the bouquet over her
head.
Natalie jumped on top of her and Daniel's table, pulled on a pair
of goal-keeper's gloves and cackled evilly. Despite Hannah's best attempts at
shaking her off the table, the bouquet flew straight towards
Natalie. But suddenly, like a bat out of hell, a woman screaming
"Elijah!" flew in front of her to grab it.
Unfortunately, gravity defeated her, and she started to fall, but
before collapsing onto an unexpecting hobbit she grabbed a hold
of Natalie's shins and took her down with her. The bouquet
bounced off of Natalie's head and fell onto Jess' lap.
"Oh." Jess said, levelly.
A hundred hot and sweaty women looked at her with anger. Hannah
smiled.
"Jess is getting married," She sung jeerily, "Jess
is getting married…"
"Shut up or I'll stand on your dress." Jess snapped.
"You wouldn't…"
"Oh yes I would."
Jess stood up and the bouquet fell to the floor. Ben picked it
up.
"Here you are." There was a silence.
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I SAID NO!"
Meanwhile, over the other side of the room, Hannah was standing
next to Chris, who was talking to Toby, Marethrow, Patrick Marber
and Charlie the flight attendant, who was trying to grab
Patrick's arse.
"Yes, we'll be flying out to Barbados for a 3-week
honeymoon, then flying home from there."
"Wow. I guess it'll be one long holiday for you,
Hannah," Said Toby, with a smile. Tyke, on a lead, was
attacking Hannah's train.
"Um…why?"
"Well, Barbados for 3 weeks and then Oz
for…well…forever, I guess…" Toby said.
Hannah went white.
"Oz…Australia?"
"Yes, Hannah. That's where we LIVE."
Chris said.
"What? Oz…forever?!"
"Yes."
"But I live HERE!" Hannah said, pointing to the
ground. Patrick leant in.
"Impressive living space." He observed, wryly.
"You know what I mean!" Hannah cried.
"Oh, leave off
Oz!" Lee bounded over. "It's a nice place once you get
over the surprising colours."
Hannah pushed Lee away in the face. "But what am I going to
do?? England is maybe just manageable, Wales is a slight joke,
but AUSTRALIA!"
"You said you were going to live there when you were
older." Said Kelly Jones, approaching her.
"You stay there, matey. You have to explain yourself for
your bad behaviour on JessHannahtropolis."
"I think I'm never going to know you." Sighed Chris
looking at Hannah, shaking his head.
"Actually, maybe I should move to Australia. 'The
Book' would benefit from a change of scenery."
"But what about Jess?" Patrick said.
"When's that ever stopped me? She'll get over it."
Hannah said.
Jess waddling past heard a voice behind the long table of food of
the buffet.
"NO CHEESY POOFS?! NO CHEESY POOFS! SCREW you guys. I'm
going home."
"CARTMAN?!" Jess ran around the table and saw
Cartman sitting on the floor surrounded by napkins, empty plates
and old chicken bones. "Oi! Hippy! Do something
useful and find me some cheesy poofs, GODDAMMIT!" Jess
frowned.
"Bog off. I'm important. I'm the bridesmaid."
She stalked off.
"Aw…DAMMIT!" Cartman was about to get up when he
heard a snuffling under the long tablecloth. He pulled it back to
reveal Twinkles with 3 empty champagne bottles. "Who the
hell are you?!" Cartman asked. "Goddamn stupid
hippy."
"KISS MY ARSE." Twinkles replied, rolling over.
Cartman's eyes lit up. He thought he might like this odd-looking
fellow…
Jess' dads were introducing
themselves to each other and it was getting messy (what with one
of them being dead, 3 of them being comedians and one of them
technically being too young to have fathered her).
"Nice of you to fly all this way." Xander said to
Michael Palin, feeling slightly put off and also slightly in awe
of this 'biological father' he'd heard so much about.
"Well. You think I would miss my daughter being a
bridesmaid? This is something every father should see."
"Yes." Nodded Peter, taking notes. "Every
father…"
"So…did you go to Cambridge?" Peter asked Michael.
"No."
There was a silence.
"Oh, you're one of them." A great dividing range
seemed to pop up between the five of them. Xander and Peter went
to the buffet, Michael went to sit down, Jess' non-biological
father went to find Jess and Dom was left, utterly confused.
"Hannah, the car's here." Chris came over to her.
Hannah, who had been talking to Otto and the Wizard of SofaLand
about rock music (that kid had grown up fast), turned around.
"What, now?" She asked.
"Yes, NOW. We're going to the airport. For the
honeymoon."
"Oh." Hannah turned back to her friends. "I guess
I'll be seeing you."
Hannah walked out to the front of the tent with Chris. A limo was
waiting.
"Flash." Hannah observed.
"I know." Said Chris smugly.
Hannah suddenly turned back.
"Hang on! I haven't said goodbye to Jess!" She ran back
inside.
Everybody stood around
outside and someone coughed in embarrassment. Hannah re-appeared
with Jess.
"Hope you find a house and enjoy having your dads around and
maybe you can scrounge a house off of them and I'll email you
when I get back to Australia and I'll write to you every day from
Barbados with a nice postcard and for GOD'S SAKE decide which
hobbit you want!" She breathed in relief leaping in the
limo.
"What about a hug?" Jess pouted.
Hannah wound the window down.
"Oh, sod that!"
To read the next book, follow the link at the top of the Book Four homepage to Book Five.
� Jess and Hannah 2002