It was Ian (from 'Book
Two', remember?) and he looked flustered (it was probably the
time travel).
"What in the name of PANCAKES are YOU doing
here?!" Jess squeaked.
"I'm here for the wedding. Now how many have you had?"
"But-"
"How many?!"
"Just one!" Jess said, terrified.
"Right. No more. Don't throw your life away. You know what
happened to Kurt Cobain."
"How do you know about Kurt Cobain?" Jess asked as Ian
sat next to her.
"I did my homework about the future this time." Ian
grinned.
"Oh?"
"Yes. You have computers, e-mail, dig-it-all television and
Tony Blair is the President."
"Well he's actually the Pr-" Jess paused. "No,
actually, you're right. That's impressive!"
Suddenly the door burst
open and Hannah ran in.
"Oh GOOD!" She saw Ian. "Glad you could
make it, Ian." She slapped him on the back.
"Ow."
"Oh, sorry." Hannah fell over.
"Have you been drinking tomato juice too?" Ian said
sternly.
"No, rum." She hiccupped.
"Oh."
"I've decided, so listen up, I'm going to marry Chris
because I love him. He's a really nice guy and Daniel's an
asshole."
"Can I have that in writing?" Jess asked.
"No." Hannah fell off her chair and onto the floor with
a thump.
"Ooh, that's gonna bruise." Said Billy, walking over.
"Jess?"
"Yes?" Jess looked up at a stuttering Billy.
"I was wondering whether you'd like to come to the wedding
with me?"
"Well, I was going anyway, Billy."
"Oh."
"Who's he?" Asked Ian, walking over Hannah's motionless
body.
"Oh, Ian, this is Billy. Billy, this is Ian."
"Hi." Billy put out a hand.
"Yo." Ian gave him a high five.
"You've been doing too much research." Jess
observed.
Hannah stirred on the floor and sat up.
"Head hurt."
"Yes, I expect it does. And it's all your own
fault." Jess said, disapprovingly.
There was a stirring under Hannah's t-shirt and Twinkles poked
his head out the bottom. He was holding an empty shot glass,
which was probably about half a pint to his tiny frame.
"Oh, I see. You've been drinking with that damn
house-elf."
"House-elf?" Asked Ian. "And…what the hell is
that?" He pointed at Twinkles, who was drunkenly pointing at
Hannah's breasts and laughing.
"THAT'S the house-elf." Jess explained.
Suddenly Dom, Sean and Elijah came in.
"I'll get the drinks." Said Sean in his usual organised
manner.
Dom and Elijah came over.
"Have you called Ruby yet?" Asked Hannah, her voice
slurred.
"Er, no, not yet." Elijah said.
"How's my favourite daughter today?" Asked Dom,
ruffling Jess' hair.
"He's your dad? I thought MICHAEL PALIN was your dad?"
Ian exclaimed.
"You've been away too long." Jess concluded.
Two days later was the day
of the wedding (we're running out of pages in the book
here…). The previous day was nothing spectacular, so don't
worry. All that happened was Hannah finally came to terms with
the fact that she was marrying Chris, more people arrived by the
hundreds and Chris and Hannah had their stag and hen nights
(respectively).
Hannah woke at 8 o clock. She knew it was that time because she
was lying at the foot of a big clock…at a train
station…in Aberdeen.
"Billy, you BASTARD!!"
She groped in her
pocket for a phone. She dialled a number and listened to it
ringing.
"Hello?"
"Billy, you BASTARD!"
"Oh. Hi, Hannah."
"What am I doing in Aberdeen at 8 in the morning on my
wedding day?"
"Um…" There was some muffled conversation on the
other end of the line.
"BILLY? Why haven't I had an answer yet?"
"Hang on." He passed the phone over to someone else.
"Well, I'm hardly going anywhere, am I?!"
Hannah shouted.
"Hello? Hannah?" It was Sean.
"Hi. I'm in SCOTLAND!"
"I know. I booked you a flight straight back to London
– 8:30 from Aberdeen airport. You'll be back here by
10."
Hannah was speechless.
"You're the most fabulous, organised person in the
world!"
"I know."
"I could KISS you!"
"Well, you can't, because I'm in England and you're in
Scotland."
"Oh." There was a pause.
"Well, go catch the plane!"
"OK!" Hannah hung up and ran to catch a taxi.
"TAXI!!" Hannah stood in front of one, so it HAD to
stop. "Airport, pronto." She snapped.
"Which airport?" The taxi driver asked, looking at
Hannah in his rear-view mirror.
"Um!!!" Hannah panicked. "SEAN?"
"No, it's Billy."
"Billy! Get your BLOODY Sean on the phone!"
"Ooh! Ok!" Billy dropped the phone and Hannah heard
quick footsteps away from it.
"Aberdeen airport!"
"Thanks Sean!" Hannah put the phone down.
"Aberdeen airport, on the pronto! Or double…whatever.
QUICKLY!!"
Meanwhile, Jess was trying to get into her
bridesmaid dress.
"Who ordered this dress?!" She exclaimed from behind
her screen.
"Dom." Elijah, Billy and Sean chorused in unison.
"What SIZE is it?!"
"Um…" Dom looked at the scrap of paper that had
come with the dress. "12."
"Oh, for God's sake…" There was a shuffling
behind the screen. "Well, that was very flattering of
you, Dom, but RATHER impractical." Jess waddled out.
"Zip me up, someone."
"Ok, breath in." Sean said. Jess filled her lungs, legs
and arms. Sean zipped the back of the dress up.
"Wow! That looks great!" Said Elijah encouragingly.
"Yes…I look like a size twelve…" Jess said,
her voice two octaves too high. "Unfortunately I CAN'T
BREATHE!"
The boys stifled laughs and ran off to put their suits on,
leaving Jess in the middle of the room.
"Um…guys? GUYS? I can't move." Jess called after
them. It was hopeless; they couldn't hear her. "Oh,
CRAPPING, CRAPPING CRAP!" Jess exclaimed.
"Did you call?" A dark figure came slinking out of the
shadows.
"NO!" Jess screamed.
"Hi," Jess long time no ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF
YOU!" Otto cackled evilly. Jess tried to move in her
too-tight dress. It was hopeless.
"NOOOO!"
� Jess and Hannah 2002