"Oh my GOD!"
"I'll deal with this." Billy climbed over Sean
and Elijah and rolled down the window.
"What are you DOING?!" Jess asked him. "Are you
MAD?!"
"No," Said Billy. "Just Scottish." He leapt
out of the window and started tussling with the lorry driver.
"I can't watch." Jess buried her head in her hands.
"Don't worry, Jess, daddy's here." Dom reassured her.
"Shut up and keep your eyes on the road." Jess told
him.
There was a sudden crunch and a:
"Waaaaaaah!" Getting fainter. Then someone leapt into
the cab through the window and sat next to Jess. Jess opened her
eyes slowly.
"Billy?"
"Yep." Jess breathed a sigh of relief.
"I thought I was going to have a great big angry truck
driver sitting next to me!"
"GET OUT OF THE BLOODY WAY? WHAT ARE YOU? BLIND?"
Shouted Dom at a passing Ford Fiesta.
Jess looked at him.
"Oh…"
Dom turned a corner and screeched to a sudden halt. Everyone fell
forward as the knackered truck hissed, moaned, and jerked to a
final stop.
Jess extracted one of Elijah's fingers from her ear and sat up.
"We made it!" She opened the cab door and they all
spilled out onto the pavement just outside the hotel.
"Perfect. You should get a medal for that, dad."
"Thanks…love…" Dom choked before collapsing
on top of Sean and Billy.
"Just a pity that
we were meant to go to the CHURCH!" Jess
screamed.
Dom went pale with anger. "BOLLOCKS!!"
About a hundred startled
pigeons almost killed Hannah as they took off as a rude word
echoed around the square. As she turned the corner onto the road
with the hotel on it, she almost got flattened by a
flower-delivery van hurtling at break-neck speed past her.
"What is it with people today! Do they have no
respect for their brides?!"
She stormed into reception almost knocking over the ex-facilities
manager who was scrubbing the floor. Still cross, she got into a
lift with Orlando who was also going up (if he was going down and
she joined him, it would just be wrong).
"What's up with you?" He asked as they sped up to their
rooms.
"My wedding's going CRAP." Hannah said, grumpily.
"Why?" Orlando immediately realised he shouldn't have
asked.
"My groom hasn't got a best man, my arch nemesis is buying
all her wedding stuff I'M getting, my bridesmaid is
probably mucking up the arrangements for the flowers, only half
the people I invited have bothered to RSVP-" Orlando was
relieved to hear the lift ping and see the doors open on his
floor.
"Oh, would you look at that?! I'd better go!" He ran
for his life.
Hannah sulkily pressed the button for the next floor and watched
the doors close.
She reached her door in the corridor a minute later and wrenched
the door open grumpily.
Twinkles was sitting on the bed, holding an empty whiskey bottle.
"Twinkles! How many of those have you had today?!"
"Twelvety!" Twinkles hiccupped and fell over. Living in
a hotel where cleaners came in 20 times a day meant that there
was a void in Twinkles' life. He had taken to filling this void
with drink.
Hannah snatched the hotel phone receiver up and rang Jess'
mobile.
"Where are you, what are you doing and why aren't you
here?"
"Westminster Abbey, delivering the ENTIRE garden centre you
ordered, and BECAUSE I'M HERE!" Jess replied, pissed
off.
"I'm unhappy. Cheer me up."
"Sod you! I'm busy doing stuff for you! Cheer
yourself up." Jess hung up.
"BITCH!" Hannah dialled another number.
"Hello?"
"Still marrying Natalie?"
"Still marrying Chris?"
"Yes."
"Then yes."
"CRAP." Hannah scowled (which was a waste of time, as
Daniel couldn't see her down the phone). "Listen, YOU –
are we getting married or NOT?"
"Not if you're marrying Chris."
"But I can't call off my wedding to Chris if I'm not
getting married to YOU!" Hannah whined, not really
knowing what she was talking about.
"You'll have to decide; not up to me." Daniel hung up.
"BITCH!" Hannah kicked Twinkles off the bed and sat
there in a grump.
"Twinky flew!"
Twinkles said slowly.
"Congratulations." Hannah said sarcastically.
"I'll make you fly out of the room, if you'd like."
There came no reply since Twinkles had passed out. There was a
knock at the door and Hannah lumbered over to it and yanked it
open.
"Hi."
"Oh." Hannah looked at Chris.
"Maybe we should call the wedding off?"
Hannah couldn't find any appropriate words to say so she just
opened and shut her mouth, then shut the door.
"Twinky see three poppies!!"
Hannah walked over and snatched the half-full bottle of rum from
his grasp.
"Hannah need drink." She glugged down the bottle.
"Ho ho!"
That evening, Jess sat in
the lounge, picking at pollen stains on her trousers. She was
pissed off. Severely. Hannah had seemed to have abandoned her and
was now solely using her. Also, she had just realised that she
had no goals left in life – she had met all the hobbits
(well, as accurately as she could considering they were figments
of Tolkein's imagination), she had once upon a time had a comedy
club and she was writing around 1 book a week (let alone
reading…). What more could one want? (Apart from world
domination. Though technically she had already tried that with
her brain in Hannah's body.)
There seemed to be nothing better to do in life. She was left
with one option…
"Tomato juice, please."
The waiter dropped his tray. "Are…are you sure,
miss?"
"Just GET ME THE DAMN JUICE!" Jess shrieked. The waiter
scuttled off like a crab from a chef and returned shortly with a
solitary glass on his tray. He put it in front of Jess and ran
off, covering his eyes (consequently falling over a table).
Jess stared at the tomato juice and it stared back at her. (Well,
that may have just been the light). Jess reached out and took the
yellow umbrella out of it and licked the juice off it. The tomato
juice quivered. (Yet again, that may have just been the table
shaking). Jess boldly picked up the glass and knocked it back in
one. She almost threw up, but deep down she knew it was good for
her despite how people said it was horrible (it was
enriched with vitamins).
She was about to order another one when the door burst open.
"DON'T DO IT! PUT IT DOWN!"
� Jess and Hannah 2002