They opened the door of the
projector room cautiously… it was very dark and Hannah shoved Orlando in front
of her.
"You walk then we follow."
"Fine." Orlando said, trying to feel brave.
"Anyone got a bow and arrow?" He asked to the small
crowd behind him. (Billy had now joined them, fed up of looking
at Elijah with his strange face already.
"I've got a bra and a hair pin?" Hannah replied.
"I might pass." Orlando said, feeing the wall for the
switch. "Ready, on 3, 1, 2, 3." The lights switched on,
bright in contrast to the previous darkness.
The guy in the suit was
standing in the middle of the room with a tall guy who looked
oddly square and chunky. He had his back to them and was stiffly
moving an arm to emphasise his words.
"What's going on?" Asked Dom, taking a tentative step
into the room. The guy in the suit turned to them.
"This madman is sabotaging the premiere!"
"Who are you?" Asked Orlando speaking to the creepy
chunky guy.
He turned around slowly, and, as he did, the whole room gasped as
they realised that he wasn't a man…he was some sort
of robot…!
"COLIN?!" Hannah's exclamation was so
loud even the people in the cinema could hear her.
The two little screens positioned where Colin's eyes should be
displayed sheepish faces.
"Miss Hannah…hello." He said, nervously.
"What are you doing here?" Hannah exclaimed.
"And what's all this?" She indicated to Colin's
robotic body.
"This is my secret project, Miss Hannah. I have been
secretly building and preparing so that I could walk and run and
sit and…touch…" His left arm jerked upwards,
towards Hannah.
"Great flying possums!" Hannah sprang backwards towards
Orlando. "This is both creepy AND sick!"
"HE'S the reason I did this," Colin said,
his arm revolving smoothly to point at Orlando. "Him and the
other one…I thought that you liked them more than me because
they had bodies…"
"Well…they do, indeed, have bodies," Hannah
started, looking at Orlando. "And…very nice bodies at
that, but that's not the point!"
"Look, Colin, I know this is hard, but you've got to
understand that Hannah is a person and you are a computer."
Jess said, stepping forwards and placing a hand on his robotic
arm.
"There's no point in doing that – I can't feel
it." Colin said, his voice going snuffly.
"Sorry." Jess withdrew her arm hurriedly. "But, do
you understand?" She asked.
Colin's head jerked in what appeared to be a nod. Then a spark
flashed by his eye as a tear emerged from the left screen.
"Um…Colin, I wouldn't do that…" Hannah
advised, nervously. There was another, larger spark and a crackle
as Colin continued crying.
"I can't help it!" He sobbed, his arms jerking around
uncontrollably, nearly knocking Jess out. "I've just
discovered that the love of my life doesn't actually love me at
all!" He sniffed, and there was a dull, ominous whirring
sound from somewhere in his head.
"Oh, dear god." The man in the suit began to back
towards the door, and Hannah, Orlando, Billy, Jess and Dom
decided it was probably best to follow his example.
Just as they reached the foyer, they saw Elijah and Sean emerging
from the cinema, blinking in the bright light.
"What's going-"
"RUN!" Dom and Billy shouted at them,
grabbing hold of one of them each and pegging it out of the door,
a stampeding audience full of stars right behind them.
Just as they reached the far end of Leicester Square Jess felt
someone jump on top of her and pull her to the ground. There was
an enormous BOOM, and Jess felt the force of the blast behind her
roll her and her intervener several feet forward before hearing a
disturbing silence, broken only by the sound of the occasional
piece of debris hitting the ground.
"Orlando?" Hannah looked over.
"Billy? Dom?" Jess looked over at her intervener.
"HANNAH?"
"ARGH!" Hannah jumped off Jess.
Suddenly there was the distant sound of a small child or animal
saying: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!". And it was getting closer
and louder at a fast rate, from above. Hannah and Jess looked up
just in time to see their house-elf crash into the road. Dust and
gravel flew over their heads from the impact that it made with
the tarmac.
There was a short silence and then from the hole in the road
there came the high-pitched voice: "FUCKING C**T!"
Everyone around them gasped and a few windows broke with the
squeal.
Dom covered Jess' ears
2 seconds too late.
"Oh, God…now she's going to be saying that continu-"
"SHUT UP!!" Jess shouted.
"See?!" Dom looked around at the random celebrities who
hadn't any idea what was going on.
"No! Be quiet!" Jess said. "I'm FED UP
of people fathering me!"
"People?" Dom said. "I thought it was mainly the
male species that fathered naturally." Said Dom, avoiding
the fact that he was being 'dumped', in a sense.
"Not when I'm involved. "Said Jess grimly,
thinking of all the times she'd brought out the opposite sex in
people. And Ben Miller was just the start.
"So what are you trying to say?" Dom said, cautiously.
"You're very nice but…"
"I'm gonna have to let you go." Hannah whispered in her
ear.
"No! Um…"
"I need to feed my break-up addiction."
"No!"
"I'm seeing your brother."
"HANNAH! I'M NOT BREAKING UP WITH HIM!"
"Sorry, I was just trying to help." Shrugged Hannah and
walked off.
Jess thought for a while, then finished: "I need my space. I
don't need another father – I've already got four. You're
perfect as a friend but not family. Plus, you're far too
young."
Dom sniffed. "I suppose. I just thought you needed a strong
male character in your life. Spending all your time with Hannah
must really do your head in."
"True, but I'm getting therapy." Jess said.
"Ok." Dom walked off to gather the other hobbits from
the debris. Suddenly Billy appeared in Jess' dazed line of
vision.
"You ok?" He asked.
"Fine." Jess shook her head to clear her vision. She
realised why she had blurred vision – her glasses weren't
situated on her nose where they should have been.
"Need a hug?" Billy opened his arms in the most
non-fatherly way possible. Jess nodded.
� Jess and Hannah 2002