"'Ward 3'…'Ward…2'…'Ward…1' 'The Psychiatric Ward - that's one more than zero'." Jess read aloud from the placard on the door. "Time to go in," Jess thought aloud. She wasn't quite sure why she was saying what she was thinking to herself – it was probably the madness driving her mad.
"Han-naaaaah?" she bleated, poking her head around a curtain.
"ARRRGH!"
"Oops…sorry!" Jess retreated from the curtain and tried the next one along. "Hannah?"
"No. I'm Bill. I'm an owl," replied the inhabitant of the bed.
Jess ignored Bill's hoots and went over to the nurse's desk.
"Ooh, hello, love. Have you escaped?" the nurse on duty asked, picking up a pair of handcuffs from the desk with a smile.
"UM, NO - I'm looking for a friend."
"Who's your friend?"
"Hannah?"
"OH. HER." The nurse grimaced.
"Yes! That's the one! That's her!" Jess smiled triumphantly.
"She's over there – Bed three." The nurse led Jess over to a curtain.
Jess drew it aside to see Hannah chained to a bed screaming, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T HAVE A BED-BATH? GET THAT MALE NURSE BACK IN HERE, WITH A SPONGE, NOW!!"
"Um…hi, Hans." Jess raised a hand.
"JESS! You fool of a Took! Where the hell have you been, you PRATT?!"
Jess smiled. Ah, it was nice to have Hannah back again.
"WELL? I haven't got all day! Clearly!" Jess looked at her wrists attached to the head board – clearly.
"I've been upstairs," Jess answered.
"Oh, did they put you in the Psychotic Ward??"
"No…"
"The Rabies Ward?"
"No…"
"The Ward?"
"No…"
"Oh, well that rules out psychotic tendencies, rabies and avoidance issues." Hannah thought for a while. "Did they create a mental ward just for you then?"
"Uh, no."
"Oh. So where are you?"
"Well…in the main hospital ward."
"WHAT?!!" Hannah screeched. "THE CHEEK OF IT!! ME, INSANE, YOU, SANE!??"
"Yes, well, we all knew it would happen in the end.
"Bu…bu…but you want to go to Cambridge!"
"And-?"
"You wear corduroys!"
"And-?"
"Too many things to note," Hannah said, trying to hit Jess, failing and trying to bite her instead.
"Nurse!" A nurse ran over to Jess. "I think Hannah needs some more…"
"Morphine?" the nurse prompted.
"Well, yes!" Jess said. "Sorry Hans, it wasn't my suggestion." She shrugged.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Hannah screamed after Jess. "I'LL SET FIRE TO YOUR HOBBIT FOOT-HAIR!!"
The nurse fiddled with Hannah's drip.
"Ooooooh."
"There we go." Jess smiled. "Are you gonna be nice to me now?"
"Hmm…" Hannah smiled at the large pink Easter bunny who was dancing on her bedsheet.
"She should be ok for visitors now, if you want to bring your friends up," the nurse said.
"Good plan." Jess sped off down the ward.

"Check my heartbeat again!" Hannah waited until the male nurse was within easy reach, then grabbed hold of his stethoscope. "Can ya hear it beatin'?" she asked.
"Um…hope so. Otherwise it means you're dead," he replied.
The curtain suddenly flew back and Jess appeared with Xander, Ben and Otto.
"OTTO!" Hannah hurled the stethoscope away and pushed the nurse over. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU WONDERFUL LLAMA-MAN, YOU?"
"Now, Jess, you've been very responsible by taking us back to Hannah, so we'd like to give you this." Ben handed Jess a �10 note.
Jess took it and reflected that it might be worth playing along with Ben and Xander a bit longer before having them committed.
"You might want to stand at least two metres away from the bed," the male nurse noted. "That means she can't grab any of your limbs…any of them."
Otto looked at Hannah meaningfully. "Have you been flirting with other men again??"
"Maybe," Hannah said quietly.
"I'm not going to talk to you then." Otto smirked, manipulating Hannah to fullest capabilities.
Hannah started to look teary and fell silent.
"Right, shall we go back up then?" Jess asked hopefully.
"Oh, I don't taste Gregory-blood yet," Otto said.
"Fine, we leave you here then," Jess said, sorting that one out for good.
This was all a little too much for Hannah who started to wail like a particularly traumatised wailing banshee.
"You have to be cleared by Satan before leaving Middle Earth," said the male nurse.
Jess did a double take.
"Can we take her off your hands," Ben asked him.
"Well, I suppose…" the male nurse replied. "I'll have to get it cleared by my boss, but you may be in luck since we need a bed in this department for a little green man who calls himself 'Gregory'." The male nurse laughed until he cried, then walked off.
"D'hear that?!" Otto exclaimed, leaping out of his wheelchair and immediately falling over.
"Yes…" Jess looked around for an exit. The heat down in the centre of the Earth was playing havoc with her brain cells and she wanted to go home.
"Right. We get Hannah discharged, then hide somewhere…" Otto began.
"Hide where?" Xander asked, waving his arms around.
"Behind a curtain or something," Otto muttered, looking around. "Anyway…NUUUUURSE?"

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� Jess and Hannah 2002