There was an enormous bang and the Earth shuddered, mud and a few Australians who had seemed to fall through the hole on the other side of the world, flew into the air.
"'Ang about, 'ow the 'ell did we get 'ere?!" one of the Australians muttered. "You drongo, we took a wrong bloody turning!!"
"Beats travelling by plane," the other one replied.
Otto walked over to them and pushed them all into the hole. They heard a "weeeeeee" as they disappeared.
"Nice work Mr Mole Detector," Jess said sarcastically.
"Hmm. Well, I guess I didn't realise he could dig that fast or that far."
"He's insane," Hannah said, getting up. Everyone stared at her blankly. "I mean I'd know considering I've already had his triplets..."
"WHAT?" screeched Jess. "You were just pregnant a minute ago!"
"Well...Jess...had you been in a relationship with an alien you would know that alien pregnancies are three times faster than human ones."
"That's still a three-month gestation period, Hannah," said Ben, after a calculation in his head.
"He was a fast mover," Hannah concluded.
"Unlike SOME," muttered Xander, looking at Ben.
"LOOK-" Otto started, getting annoyed. "We need to sort this little alien b*st*rd!"
"How do you suggest we do that Goth-Boy?" asked Jess.
"We journey," said Otto, grandly, "to the centre of the Earth."
"Oh...f*ck*ng mother of b*ll*cks," Jess muttered.
"Language."
"Sorry, Ben."
"Well, come on then. Whatever are we waiting for can wait, let's go." Otto grabbed his spade and started to lower himself down the hole in Jess' garden that led apparently to Australia.
"Can we visit Australia?" Hannah asked.
"Don't you care about your Latino lover??" One of the reporters shouted over the fence.
"Oh yes, but to be honest I was cheating on him from the start-"
Everyone looked at Otto.
"-No silly! Um…er…" Hannah thought quickly (which was strange for her). "-That tree." She pointed at a fir at the bottom of the garden and jumped quickly down the hole.
Sediment layers whizzed past and so did dinosaur bones and a couple of crucifixes. They came to a sudden abrupt halt somewhere near the centre of the Earth where the rod of dynamite had exploded and caused a cave-in of rocks.
"Well, now we're stuck in a large hole somewhere near the centre of the Earth. Any ideas?"
"This is weird," Jess muttered.
"It's a bit bloody warm down here, isn't it?" said Otto, taking off his black t-shirt.
"Ooh-hoo-hoo!" Hannah giggled.
"Shameless hussy," Jess hissed at her.
Otto whipped off his trousers too.
"Ooh-hoo-hoo!"
"JESS!" Hannah slapped her.
"It is hot enough to melt rock down here," said Ben, factually. "That's why we're surrounded by liquid hot mag-ma."
"Actually, Benjamin, the VERY centre of the Earth is solid and made of metal," Xander commented.
"You sh*t." Ben gave Xander a violent push and he fell against a wall of rock. There was a loud rumbling noise.
"Oh…c*ck." Hannah clung to Otto's near-naked body. "This is the way I'd wanted to go – cuddled up to a sweating, half-naked Goth."
A few rocks tumbled down around them.
"Ok, I'm leaving my giant cuddly Zippy toy to Hannah, and-"
"Jess, I'm gonna die too!"
"Oh…well…who do I leave all my stuff to?"
A big rock came tumbling down and broke into little pieces.
"I'm sorry I shouted!" Ben sobbed, throwing himself into Xander's arms.
"I'm sorry I've been such a useless husband!" Xander sniffed.
"Oh, God," Otto moaned. "I suppose you'll want your marriage blessed before we die?"
Ben and Xander considered this.
"Do you see a priest anywhere?" asked Ben.
Otto was about to thump him when a very large rock came flying down from nowhere, and everything went black.

Hannah opened her eyes (and nose) to smell TCP and antiseptic. She rose to see she had been lying in a bed in a hospital ward. A nurse in a green uniform walked past.
"Excuse me," said Hannah. "Where am I?"
"You're in the Hospital At The Centre Of The Earth," the nurse replied, toddling off on her rounds.
"Wait!" Hannah called. "Where are all my friends?"
"They're on the normal ward."
"Where am I, then, if they're on the normal ward?"
"The psychiatric ward, love." The nurse walked off.
"SH*T!"

Jess pushed her and her bed away from the wall with a hospital mop.
"Can't believe I'm bed-ridden," Jess moaned.
"Try sitting in the OAP chair," Otto said, beneath the air-con system.
"Why are you bed-ridden anyway?" Ben asked, pacing their private ward.
"They tied me down just to stop me doing John Cleese's Nazi-walk." Jess sighed. "It was fun in this nightdress and it kept me cool."
"Excuse me," Xander said to a passing nurse, "You wouldn't happen to know who runs this hospital, would you?"
"Satan." The nurse smiled sweetly and walked off.
"Wow. Heaven and hell in one book!" Ben was impressed.
"Sh*t. What if he finds out about the time I helped an old lady across the road?" Jess was hot.
"Well, where is he?" I want to complain about the food," Xander ordered.
"Um…you can't actually talk to him…he RUNS the hospital," the nurse replied.
"Ah. Like the John Radcliffe." Jess nodded.
"Well…could you make an exception?" Xander asked.
"Um…well…let me think…NO!" The nurse clicked her fingers and left.
"Sh*te." Xander slumped into a chair.
"Wonder where Hannah is," Jess said.
"Hmm," Otto muttered.
"Do you actually care?" Jess added.
"Hmm," Otto repeated.
Jess pressed the attention button above her bed.
A doctor came running over with a crash trolley. "WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?! IS IT A CARDIAC ARREST?!!" he shrieked.
"Um…no. I was wondering if you could help me find a friend."
"ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT HAVING A CARDIAC ARREST?!" the doctor asked, grabbing his stethoscope and listening to Jess' chest.
"No, seriously – I'm fine," she replied.
The doctor picked up a heartbeat and sighed with relief. "Oh…ok thank God." The doctor composed himself (I think it was Beethoven's 6th) and then turned back to Jess. "Who was it you needed to find?"
"My friend Hannah."
"OH - yes. She went onto the psychiatric ward."
"I KNEW she'd be there, I wanted to know the way."
"OH yes. Well that'd be next to Satan's office."
"Oh, crap."
"No, it's quite nice." The doctor checked her heart once more before running off.
"Come on Otto, do me a favour and untie me…" Jess said. "It'll be doing you a favour!" She tried to entice him.
"HA! That's b*ll*cks!" He laughed out loud. "Not only will you start doing that Nazi-walk again, but I'll have to move away from the air-con system."
"STOP THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF AND UNTIE ME!"
Otto begrudgingly got up and untied Jess, who immediately jumped out of bed and did the Nazi-walk out of the ward.
Otto smacked his hand against his head in defeat.

<< back to Book 3.4

� Jess and Hannah 2002