"Right. I'm off to get a paper," Jess called to the rest of the mad troupe, approaching her front door. "I'll be back in five." She had just opened the front door when she was blinded by flashes. Reporters appeared from nowhere.
"Is it true about the alien?"
"Can you give us a statement about the invasion?"
"Can we offer you money for the exclusive story of Hannah's affair with the alien?"
Hannah appeared in the hallway. "WHAT?" She zoomed down the corridor and out of the door to scream at the reporters. "I'll take the largest offer of money and tell you anything you want to hear!!"
Jess pushed the front door ajar to leave Hannah to it, her plan of escape now being the back door.
"I must say it's times like this," Xander said, putting a hand on Jess' shoulder. "That I'm proud of you for never listening to your friend. Some might call you selfish, maybe even down-right stupid, but I'm proud to call you my daughter." He smiled at his achievement to get that out in one go with no interruptions.
"Thanks dad...three." Jess walked off leaving Xander in an utter state of confusion, mainly blaming Ben for the entire occurrence.
When Jess got out into her back yard she met a surprising situation - Gregory, not dead, trying to pull his foot off the black, bin liner attached to his skin.
"I know what this looks like!" he whispered. "But it's not, I assure you!!" He gave his foot another tug. "Give us a hand and get me some scissors!!"
"'Us'?? 'US'??" Jess lost her temper - we think it was somewhere back in the flower pot that she landed butt-first in. "THERE NEVER WAS ANY 'US'!! You never even gave me a chance to call you Ian! What kind of a household pet could you ever be??!!" she spat.
"I take it all back," Gregory said hastily. "You call me anything you want - Ian, Peter...Dylan?"
"How did you...?"
"I told you, I read minds."
"Oh, WELL MY CAT NEVER DID THAT!!" she yelled. "So...so...so!..." she searched for the appropriate word, "Go throw yourself in a black hole!"
There was a silence.
"You can't THROW yourself into a black hole, stupid. It SUCKS you in," Gregory replied.
"You'll never make a household pet, Gregory. You'll always be a stupid, good-for-nothing alien!"
"Don't shatter my dreams," Gregory stuttered, wiping away a green tear.
"Jess? What's going on?" Otto came out of the back door, followed by Xander, Ben and Hannah.
"Crap." Gregory popped himself into a mole and began to burrow away.
"Come back here, you green spawn of Satan!"
"Oh, just leave him," Xander muttered. "He'll be halfway around the world by now."
There was a silence.
"Xander...he's a mole. Not a f*ck*ng ROADRUNNER," Ben retorted.
"Has anyone got any mustard gas?" asked Otto, crouching over the hole.
"Otto, forget it. He's gone," Jess muttered.
"NO!" Hannah said, having spotted some reporters peeping over the fence. "NO! Don't leave me, Gregory...NOOOOO...." Hannah struggled to think of more juice for the journalists. "I'm carrying your child!"
"WHAT?" Ben, Xander, Otto and Jess all turned to stare in shock.
"Oh, crap. Her journalist radar has kicked in!" Jess exclaimed.
"What?" asked Otto.
"Hannah can detect a reporter at a distance of 400 feet," Jess whispered. "She can come up with a decent story in a matter of seconds."
"Oh dear God," muttered Otto.
"I'll offer you �20m to sell your intergalactic sex secrets to us!" shouted one reporter, clambering over the fence.
"I'm sold," said Hannah.
Otto picked up the spade.
"I'm so sold," Hannah repeated, running over to the reporters.
CLUNK.
Hannah dropped to the floor and Otto swivelled round to face the mole hole.
"Right, now she's out of the way I can deal with Greg." Otto started to pace the back garden looking deviously at the mounds that were appearing in the mud.
"What are you? Some kind of mole hunter?!" Jess scoffed.
"Well actually, I've got a PhD , now you mention it!" Otto replied. "The fences will prevent him from getting out of the garden, so he must be somewhere beneath our feet as we speak..."
Everyone looked at the ground.
"Couldn't he just dig underneath the fence??!" Jess asked sceptically.
"Oh, well, it's always a possibility I expect," Otto said, feeling as downtrodden as the earth beneath his feet. (Quick finish this now so I don't have to write anymore stupid similes!!) The reporters over the garden fence watched expectantly, having given up trying to get over the fence, since Hannah was now lying on the ground. They were satisfied of the pictures they'd taken just then - maybe they would be able to digitally insert her on top of a horizontal picture of Gregory.
"Well, by my calculations-" Otto started.
"Which are stupid," Jess said.
"-he should be somewhere in this vicinity." He threw his arms around in a wide circle.
"How profound."
"Maybe we could break for some tea??" Ben said nervously, with a motherly fear of too much tension, which can never be a good thing.
"Oh...yes, Ben - that's your answer to EVERYTHING, isn't it?"
"No, Xander, as I've tried to convince you many times, VIAGRA is the answer to everything!"
There was a long silence and a tumbleweed blew into Jess' face.
"Anyway...about the alien." Otto reached into the pocket of his baggy trousers and pulled out a stick of dynamite.
"Oh...oh, Otto, no!" Ben pleaded. "Not in front of the children...!"
Otto ignored him and removed a lighter from his coat pocket. "Let's rock," he said, lighting the fuse, dropping the stick into one of the mole holes and running for dear life.
"What happens now?" Jess asked Ben.
"You...well...you just hold mummy's hand and close your eyes..." Ben replied.

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� Jess and Hannah 2002