Lion landed near the front entrance of Disneyland half an hour later and, after unloading his passengers, ran off behind a pillar (well, it had been a LONG journey).
"I must leave you here," said Batell.
"Why?" asked Hannah.
"I can't leave Disneyland or I turn into a kiwi-fruit."
"Oh. Oh…dear."
"But, DAD-" started Otto.
"Look, my little llama, I'm sorry – but I'll always be here for you…"
Jess snorted. "Yeah, that's what MY biological father said, and when did he last write?!" Batell changed into a bat in a sudden puff of smoke and flapped away.
"Just don't forget the CHILD SUPPORT!" Otto shouted after him.
A small squeak came as a reply.
"What did he say?" Hannah asked.
"Pay for yourself." Otto sighed. "He nicked my coat too." He sighed again. "Nuts."
"F*ck nuts!" Jess exclaimed, trying to plait her hair but knotting it unsuccessfully.
"You taught her that word you big bully," Ben cried to Xander.
"Oh, get a grip, woman!" Xander retorted.
"You two are well aware that you are freaks since you have the guts to shout it out to ever surrounding person, but may I just ask delicately – are you gay?"
Xander and Ben looked at Hannah in confusion. No word was passed between them.
"Oh, alright then. Obviously unhappy to talk about this…I understand." Hannah literally backed off.
"Why does she think we're gay!" Xander exclaimed to Ben.
"No idea," Ben replied. "What a FREAK."
Hannah ran ahead and grabbed Lee. "Lee…listen to me. If you release that possum – I can give you anything. When I rule the world…"
"What?" Lee asked, confused.
"When I take over the world, I can get you anything. Money, power, women…" Hannah examined Lee's face. He didn't seem impressed. "Men?"
"Look, Hannah, I don't know what you want, but we're taking this possum back to the wizard so he'll give you and Jess your personalities back."
"Sh*t." Hannah stamped her foot. She ran over to Otto (she was getting desperate). "Otto…I'll give you anything you want if you stop that man." She pointed at Lee with the possum.
"That's not a man," Otto commented.
"Come on…anything. Just for one random…thing." Hannah bargained with Otto's soul. (Actually Otto had sold his soul for a limited edition 'Coal Chamber' album, but anyway…)
"I really need to talk about music. Sorry," Otto explained.
"Well…I can talk about music," she said, hopefully.
"No you can't. You only seem to know the birth and death dates of old men."
"I know, problem that…I figure I can try to shove that information out of my brain and input important information in."
"Like…?"
"Dates of bands formed and dates of albums released. Stuff like that."
"Alright then."
"Then you kill Lee for me?"
"Maybe."
"Great! Try me…"
"Year Nirvana formed?"
"Erm…Hannah frowned. "1975? Oh, no, that was the year Kenneth Horne died."
"Silverchair's first album – when was it released?"
"1994!" Jess called from behind them.
"I'm sorry, Hannah. This really can't go on."
"Come on! Give me another chance! Erm…Rolling Stones, 1958 to 1964…oh, Christ! That was the running dates for Around The Horne…" She put her head in her hands.
"How do you expect to make interesting conversation with people when you only know about that stuff?!" Otto exclaimed.
"I don't know…Jess always managed it!"
"She must have been bluffing. Because frankly you're so boring I could keel over right now and DIE." Otto strode ahead.
"NO!" Hannah sank to her knees and looked up at the sky. "I don't WANT this bloody brain any more!"
A voice boomed down from the sky… "Well, you should have taken me back down with you, shouldn't you?!"
"P*SS OFF, STEVE!"

After sitting on a random log for a while to catch their breath, Hannah asked Lee a question.
"Are we not going to turn back into a cartoon character…ever?"
"No. Not unless you go near Disneyland again."
Ben snapped suddenly, "Oh don't look at me like that Xander, it was your idea to take her there for Christmas."
A few seconds later it started raining – or seemed like it.
"You guys left me behind again!!" Lion landed nearby.
"Oh P*SS OFF!" Lee shouted.
"ROAR!"
"Yeah, whatever," Hannah dismissed. "Oh actually, can you fly us back to the Sapphire City? Jess is getting a bit tired…"
Sure enough Jess was lying, asleep, on a tree stump. (No, we don't know the logistics of it either).
"No."
"Oh, why not?"
"'Cause you all hate me."
"Just fly us, Lion."
"No!" Lion sat and sulked, then farted, then sulked.
"I am seriously not petting him for fear of catching something…dysentery probably."
"Actually, cholera is a more common waterborne disease," Hannah said, wearily. She was beginning to hate having a brain.
Suddenly there was a beep as a small green car trundled down the purple slate road. It pulled up alongside them and the driver's window wound down.
"Do you guys need a lift anywhere?" the voice from inside said.
"If you can fit five people, a gremlin, a lion and a possum in there?" Lee said, hopefully.
"Sure."
"The Sapphire City?" Hannah said, yet again, hopefully.
"Yep. Hop in."
"Wow…what are you? Superman?" Otto said as they hopped in.
"No. If I were Superman I would have a much better car than this hunk of junk," the man replied.
"So if you're not Superman who are you?"
"A random man who has a serious bone to pick with the Wizard of Sofa Land."
"Oh, you too? The only reason why we were on the other side of this stupid place was because of him," Xander said, holding Jess' hand. When everyone was in the car they drove off at a very slow speed. The man looked over at Otto who had the unconscious possum lying on his lap.
"Oh that," the man said. "That wizard is obsessed with him."
"Why?" Jess butted in, unsure of the meaning of 'obsessed' and 'wizard'.
"It is his pet. His personal possum," the man explained, "But he continually forgot to feed it, so it runs away all the time. He likes to make his visitors fetch it for him just because he can't be bothered."
Otto was watching the possum suspiciously, and as it slowly came round, he nutted it.
"You're lucky they don't have an RSPCA round here!" the man exclaimed.
"The Rivers and Streams Protection of Cabbages Association?" Jess asked excitedly.
"NO!" Hannah smacked her around the head.
"Hey!" Xander shouted at her. "If Ben and I decide to begin smacking Jess it will be a joint decision and we will only agree to it when she's old enough to understand what it means."
There was a pause.
Suddenly Ben and Xander both started hitting Jess repeatedly.
"OW!" she shrieked, holding her head.
"What did you do that for?" asked Lee.
"We made a joint decision," Ben said. "From your knowledge of this wizard guy, is he likely to keep his word?" asked Otto, who was concerned he'd have to have conversations about music with himself forever – a terrifying thought.
"Depends on his mood. Sometimes he does what he promised, sometimes he doesn't do what he promised, sometimes he gets p*ssed and turns you into a horsefly…"
Everyone stared at the guy in stunned silence.
"But normally he's OK, right?" Ben asked, ceasing from slapping Jess and slapping Xander instead.
"Can't really say, to be truthful," the man said.
"So what's your name?" asked Lee who had been looking out of the window and noting that they were moving nowhere fast. "I haven't seen you round here before."
"Just call me Harry," the man, (oh, sorry), Harry, said mysteriously.
"Can't you go faster?" Xander asked Harry. They had been riding along at 10mph for the past five minutes and were hardly out of sight of the log.
"Do you want to try driving on slate? Let's just say we know why they don't use slates as road surfaces…"
"Oh…ok, fair enough," Lee said, falling silent.
"Do you think, when I grow up, if I try reeeeeally hard, I could be a mop?" Jess asked, suddenly.
"Um…yes, Jess," Xander said, giving Ben a hard stare. "Seems she's inherited YOUR ambition," he observed in a harsh whisper.
"Um…don't you want to go to university and get an edu-"
"No," Jess interrupted Ben mid-sentence. "I want to be a MOP."
"Put your foot down," Otto demanded.
"Hold on to your pants," Harry said, revving up to 15mph. "Oh my God!" He laughed. "I've never gone this fast in my life…It's brilliant!!"
Lion clenched his bottom muscles and tried to ignore the madness in the car.

<< back to Book 3.3

� Jess and Hannah 2002